The Sealed Planet

Chapter 20: The Guilt

Sethis Melser

Things had never felt better ever since we got out of Aurelis Three. However, I...felt rather empty. In fact, I think the right word is 'guilty'.

I was aware that everyone who survived never blamed me for what happened. Even my twin told me that my only fault was for sulking and not enjoying life. But I could not  feel anything other than that emptiness and guilt. I could not be a commander, but they chose me as theirs when our supposed commander was killed early in the skirmish, along with many other Saukaurs who landed on that forested planet. It was a chaotic landing and many died just before their landers ever touched the ground. By the end of the day, only around a hundred of us were left.

After our commander died, the whole company went into disarray. I looked at this and felt that, without any leaders, we would die. I did not quickly act like a commander, mind you. I only guided them towards the Vyrnian building I saw as we landed. My tracking skills was good enough to lead them there.

Then, the siege happened. We managed to establish a base, creating a good strategic place to defend ourselves until help came. No one came, and a week passed. Before the Vyrnian saviors came to that planet, most of our soldiers had died. I survived mostly due to the skills taught to me by my parents and...a skill I did not like to show.

Saukaurs were hunters, but it could mean many things. We could be hunters of dangerous alien beasts or aliens that took our interest, but we also hunt...targets, at least for me. I survived the dangerous forest of Aurelis Three because my stealth skills was tuned towards assassination of humanoid aliens. I must admit that George Atmell and Kilkaja surprised me, mostly because I did not expect a human and a Nuoevan to be on the planet.

If it wasn't for this group, we might end up dying in this planet or captured. It was a relief for everyone...except me. All I was fixated upon was the fact that I lost almost half of the soldiers I was supposed to guide. I declared myself their leader and they came to see me as such. I stepped up, but was it the right thing? If someone else stepped up, would they be able to fight back or at the very least, save more Saukaurs?

I didn't want to be saved. I know it's my guilt talking. I know those deaths mattered. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be here. Astha wouldn't be here. But, by Ap...17 Saukaurs out of 50? They did not think of it, but...whenever I looked at their faces, I imagined myself being silently judged for surviving. They must've been thinking 'if it wasn't for you, we might all look at our comrades' faces and rejoice'. It took me an effort not to start asking what they were thinking, feeling that I'd only hear a lie. For me, truth was blurry, especially given the facts.

I always wondered how a Felinian could cope with that survivor's guilt. When I witnessed Sel Kylas's resurrection, I wondered if she had that thought, too. While everyone around her died, she was the only one left alive. Maybe it did not matter given that she died and returned to life. I stayed on, surviving as others around me died.

I tried my best not to show any sense of that guilt during my stay on Lekan. I tried my best to move on from the deaths and kept myself occupied like training in my room or reading something on the tab, just...anything to avoid the others. I was fully aware of the Vyrnians and their own history. I was tempted to ask how they got that guilt away, but I was a coward. All I wanted was to stay away from the (imagined) scrutiny and just lock myself in a room until everyone forgot.

But my efforts to avoid everyone started to backfire. I did not realize a week had passed since our arrival. I started to become so comfortable avoiding everyone I started to become uneasy when the stared at me. My anxiety started again as I looked at their eyes. I hastily looked away and increased my pace, making me look rather suspicious. Every time I saw a Saukaur, I changed corner, trying my best to get them out of my sight. But...it didn't stop. It just...I don't know, wrong. Why was I so scared of being proven guilty? I did not kill anyone. I'll be honest. I did not kill anyone, even if it was a mercy kill. I did use one of their bodies as a trap, but they were already long dead. Was the guilt came from that?