Looking For Snow

1 ~ Wednesday Nights ~

   I felt half dead as I leaned onto my frozen window. I stared out into the winter night. The landscape outside my father's house was beautiful.

   From my window I could see the stone driveway that lead to the dirt road which was now cover with snow that had been defaced with foot prints and tire tracks and weaved it's way through through his entire property.

  The stone path had snow on either side covering the grass of the front garden the used to smell so sweet. Tall ferns decorated with snow and icicles surrounded the large caps of snow like a fence. Just beyond the dirt road was the lake, frozen, covered with the scratches left behind by ice skaters.

   Every night I'd usually lose myself in the moonlight beauty and doze off. But Wednesday nights were different. The throbbing pain shooting from my pelvis to my thighs was so irritating that I couldn't sleep. I usually spent Wednesday nights dwelling on all the derogatory statements my father and Derek had spat at me.

" This is all you'll ever be good for, you little bitch!"
" You're such a fuck up!"
"There's no good reason for you to be alive..."

  
   Wednesday is the day my father meets with Derek, his dealer and old college friend who he never spoke to when Elizabeth was around. Derek supplies him the dope and my father pays him with anything except what's in his wallet. Alcohol, pirated videos and... me. Derek gets full access to me. I believe that's the only reason for my father keeps me around, otherwise I think he would've killed me long ago.

   I had no idea how long I had been sitting in the window now. I was waiting for my father to awake from his intoxication and unlock my door. One this happened I would go clean myself up for school. If Derek had marked my face I wouldn't be allowed to go, tonight I was fortunate. My only escape from this place was the time spent at the suicidal playground. The bullies and snot-nosed weren't half as bad as this place. Even my room was a depressing sight.

   My room was small with four walls and one window. The window stretched from about two feet above the floor to the ceiling with a wide pane, enough for me to lay on. I had a small throw pillow and a thin, dirty blue blanket to sleep with folded up by my feet. The walls were covered with old, flowery wallpaper that was slowly peeling it's off. The floor was wooden and dusty, it looked grey in the night.

   Just as I was getting ready to examine my new bruises on my arms, I heard a rattling at the door. My father's hand was shaking violently and he was turning the lock. My legs were still in a great ally of pain but I managed to stand and face him as he entered. The flew open and he stood like a dark shadow in the hall light. As he stepped into my room I could immediately smell his mid weekly stench. It always smelled like a dark red wine, a disgustingly strong brandy, and like he had been getting off for two hours to whatever was on his phone.

  He hobbled into the room and walked right up to me putting his hands on my shoulders and bent down to put his face in mine. He was rather good looking despite his substance abuse. His were a deep brown, they matched his the colour of his strait, perfectly parted hair with gold highlights. His physique was quite nice, he was a little over six feet, thin, and he always wore fitted shirts. The signs of age you could find in his face were tiny creases found in the corner of his eyes. His lips were a dark pink aligned with a thin mustache that hovered over them.

   I  smiled at him using all my might to stop myself from trembling knowing that any other reaction would provide me with an additional bruise. He grabbed my cheeks with one hand turning my head left and right examining my face.

"You're fine."

He murmured shooting his nauseating breath in my direction.

"Just cover that up with your hair."

He pointed to a large red spot on my neck.

" Now get your arse to the lavatory and wash up."

He then ripped his hand from my face knocking me to the ground.

"Get off the floor you lazy cunt!"

   Pain overcame my entire lower half causing me to let out a small whimper.

" Stop that crying shit or I'll give you something to cry about!"

  His voice wasn't quite loud enough to be considered telling yet but it was enough for a sharp pain to be shot through my ears. It took me a minute but I was able to get back on my feet. He looked at me as if he was trying to find another reason to contradict me. I disregarded it and made my way to the restroom.

   Shutting the door behind me I first used the toilet. When I finished I took off my shirt and underwear then looked in the mirror. I was a bit taken aback by what I saw.

   My eyelids hung low over my bright green eyes. My hair looked like a long bird's nest that stretched just past my shoulders, dark brown and tangled with a noticeable knot just behind my right ear. I had a thin face which was uncommon amongst other twelve year olds. My skin was nearly white as paper with a small cluster of light brown freckles on my left cheek. My nose was small and curved upward a tiny bit. Nearly half my neck was red on the left side.

My flat chest and stomach was covered in large yellow bruises and one blue spot by my naval. I looked down on my pelvic area and legs to find no visible injury but that didn't change the fact that walking or standing was a most painful act.

    I turned on the water and let it run over my hands. They were small  with thin, bony fingers with nails that had been chewed on so much that they'd bleed from time to time. My palms had skin peeling of in random places. My hands were strange to me. They had changed so my in the last ten months. They used to be chubby and smooth. These twig-like creatures were not mine.

   I drew myself away from the sink to turn on the shower. There was no curtain or soap to wash with. I climbed over the side of the tub, sat in the centre of the tub, and just let the water rain down on my head.