DNYL CLUB/// norenmin

Part 21

Emails Renjun and a friend from China sent to each other.

(This person is not the stranger from the last update.)

-- 1 --

Hi, gege.

Are you sick of this yet?

Are you sick of seeing me like this? Are you sick of seeing me be this unhappy? I don't know how to deal with it anymore. Yangyang is with someone else. I know it. He doesn't smile for me anymore. Did he ever? I don't know. When he comes back home, he's grinning like the sun, and the second he sees me his smile falters. We've been together just a little bit longer than a year; I'm not sure I can let him go now. But I have to, don't I? He's lost his feelings for me. We were both lost. He seems like he's been found again, though.

But it wasn't me who found him.

I'm not sure if it ever was me.

Enough sadness. How are you? I hope you're happy with your boyfriend. I remember you told me about him last time I visited. I haven't gotten to meet him yet though; bring him with you when you visit. How's everyone back in China? Is my dad doing okay? I hope you guys don't miss me too much. I miss you all a lot, though. It isn't really the way it used to be when I visited during the summers. Obviously I'm staying here for good this time, but everything else is different, too. I own the house now. I must say, I wasn't expecting her to leave it to me. I thought she hated me. But maybe- maybe- there was some love there. Now that Mom is gone, though, Jisung keeps getting the worst nightmares. He doesn't talk about it, but he clings to me in his sleep and clings to me when he's awake. I don't get it. We were never close before, but now he doesn't have anyone else to lean on and he's with me. I'm not complaining, exactly. I'm connecting with him like I never did before. It finally seems like I have a little brother, not just some distant cousin from Korea. The situation is weird, that's all.

It's good that I have him right now, though, what with Jaemin having his new boyfriend and all. I try my best to be happy for him, I really do. But I can't help being jealous. The one time I really need to lean on him, he's gone. He's too busy with Jeno. I really should have seen it coming. Obviously the boy I introduced to Jaemin would catch his eye. We always had the same taste in guys, huh?

I'm sorry I'm dumping all this on you. It's just that you always took care of me when Dad wouldn't, especially right after the divorce when he would come home wasted. I'm so glad you were here to help me. You might not be family, but I see you as my brother now. I've gotten into the habit of telling you everything. Since Jaemin isn't talking to me much right now, and I don't want to give Jisung more to worry about, we're here. You're kind of the only person I can talk to.

Tell me what you think I should do about Yangyang. I don't know how to deal with him right now. Please visit soon.

I can't do this much longer.

~Renjun

-- 2 --

Renjun, I'm not sure what to say. Are you really sure Yangyang is with someone else? Don't think I'm doubting your judgement- I'm not. I just think you should look at this again. Is Yangyang cheating, or has he just found something that makes him happy? Either way, I don't really think you should ignore the problems anymore. I know you were doing your best to forget about the way that he would act before, but there's really nothing you can do right now if you don't ask him directly. Don't assume he's with another person until and unless you see definite proof. I get that he's been distant, but he still deserves the benefit of the doubt. He's still your boyfriend, isn't he? Don't do anything rash. Don't do anything other than talk to him unless you're sure something is seriously wrong, okay? Take it from me- Ten gets distant sometimes, too. But as long as you trust Yangyang, things can still be worked out.

Ten and I are doing fine. I'm pretty happy with him, but we haven't been together long enough to really tell how things will go. You would love him, though. He isn't just into art, Junnie- he might as well be art. He dances, sings, draws, and his creativity is in his every move. I love that about him. He has so much energy. Ten is also really stubborn, though. When he wants something, he'll do his best to get it. That's actually a problem with us- I used to think it was endearing how stubborn he was, but now I'm starting to wonder whether we'll ever be able to work out a serious fight. All relationships have their ups and downs, and all people have their good and bad traits. I see that in you and Yangyang, too. Just keep believing that things will get better.

It's good that Jisung is closer to you now. I get the feeling that you will need him someday, just as much as he needs you right now. You need to remember that Jisung is a kid. You, your mom, and Jaemin are probably the only constants he has in his life. I remember you telling me how much he loves dance- help him with that. You love dancing too, just like me. Does he have other friends? I don't know exactly how, but I just know that if he had other people he trusted this much, you would probably not be the person he turned to. For him to go to you when you haven't been around often, he must be pretty lonely. Help him make some more friends, okay?

Don't just worry about Jisung, though. How have you been coping with your mom's death? You said you saw it coming, but I'm pretty sure the truth is that someone could be right at death's doorstep and you still wouldn't be prepared to handle them being gone. You and your mom weren't close- at least, that's what you've told me- but she was still important. She was your main connection to art. She was your mother. There's no use in denying that she was important. You need to make time for yourself to recover, too. It's a shock- suddenly you're Jisung's guardian, and the owner of the house, and things just got pushed on you; things you never thought would be your responsibility. On top of that, you have the pressure of school and managing your own friends. Take a break when you need to.

Now, about Jaemin and Jeno. Obviously Jaemin is going to pay a bit more attention to him than to you right now, especially since they've just started dating. Try and be friends with them anyways. It's gonna hurt for a bit. You might feel lonely. But what matters here is that he is still your friend, and you need to support him in what he does. He's still got your back.

Don't worry about me. I like knowing that you trust me enough to tell me all of this. You're basically my little brother now.

One more thing. I hate to say this, but I need to. If Yangyang is hurting you, you need to break up with him.

I'll come visit you guys soon.

~Kun