Domesticated America

Evelyn

"The books have been put in place to ensure a perfect balance, the otherside would be chaos. Everything we have done and fight for everyday is to keep the chaos at bay, never growing." Interviewing the President.

The peace you recieve after crying is one of my favorite things in the world. The number one probably being Jaxyn. After him and I had spent our last night together, I rode down the elevator to go back to my house. I had to try to pretend everything was normal, and that was a hard thing to pretend since it was four in the morning, rising before the sun and if I were to get caught I would be in major trouble. After Jaxyn kisses me one last time, just missing the elevator doors closing; I start bawling my eyes out. 

In the past few weeks I have been crying more than I have in my lifetime. These are stressful times, and I didn't find this too surprising. I scream and I cry because of course I couldn't fall with a man who was blissfully dumb just like I was. I shouldn't wish this, I know I shouldn't. Knowledge is a powerful thing and without it I would live a long life with no real emotions. Once the elevator doors open I find that a certain calm has passed over me. 

I am no longer afraid of the dark corners of this city, I want out. I want Jaxyn to pull me away from this city, away from these politics. I want unmarked towns with no laws. I daydream about a world with tall, wild grass and cheerful neighbors. Late night bonfires where we tell jokes that are supposed to make us laugh so hard we cry. Wanting these things used to scare me, but I realize that it isn't wrong for me to want these things. It's wrong for the government to assume with the bad we wouldn't want the good. I know this now. 

It was tough leaving Jaxyn without saying goodbye, because we didn't want to be negative and think we wouldn't make thorugh it. Yet we didn't want to say see you later because that would be too cocky. Instead we didn't say anything. Kissing until we had to push each other away, knowing we had taks to attend to before the riot. 

I went home and crept upstairs, crawling into my bed for hopefully at least an hour more of sleep. I could feel myself on the edge of tears. If this was the right decision, why was I crying so much? Maybe I knew it was right, but it didn't make this hurt any less. I would have to shoot my dad, and leave my mother to anyone's guess of a future. These thoughts make a big lump form in my throat and I find it unberable. Somehow I get an hours sleep between waking up and thinking how horrible I am for what i'm going to do. 

When I get up for real, I try to think what i'll need to face this day. I decide on work out clothes and tennis shoes, insuring for a quick getaway. I didn't want the extra material of jeans and a sweatshirt slowing me down on my run over the wall. From my understanding, there will be a bluetooth earpiece on the wall of the fountain, and i'll go to the government building. Meanwhile, a group from the Untamed will drug up the guards and put sticks of dynamite on a section of the wall. Simultaneously, Jaxyn will be watching a group of rebels burning the books that the foundation of this new form of government stands on. Similar plans will be happening all over the U.S. Even though I know the plan as well as Tyler and Jaxyn, I realize that, just like they must realize, there is room for so much to go wrong. 

I try not to think about this as I ask my mother to french braid my hair. Even she looked a little surprise as she told me, "you haven't asked me to braid your hair since you were a little girl." I wish I could say I remember a fun filled childhood like Jaxyn's, even though his parents could have gotten executed for this behavor, but my childhood wasn't bad. 

"Is dad at the office already?" I press down the lump in my throat that is threatening tears to overflow. if I start crying, my mother will know something is very wrong. She still believes me to be the young lady who grew up pretending to be like the adults in the way of never showing emotion. Any displays, especially sobbing, would freak her out.