Special

Confessions

Winter was quickly nearing its end and with the begin of school exams were approaching. At first Matt hadn't thought anything of it that Daniel had made himself scarce. Even though he was the smartest person Matt had ever met he had to study for the exams himself and of course he couldn't always spend his entire afternoon in a café with Matt, explaining the most basic things to him. But then it struck him as strange that even in weeks where there weren't any exams Daniel would still say that he was busy. And after a while he started going over everything he had said to him when they had met. Maybe he had said something wrong or one of his jokes had come across as too insulting? But no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't come up with anything.

"Why?" he asked and stared at a duck as he sat in the park one afternoon. It was a beautifully sunny Saturday with a light breeze cooling the air down to a refreshing temperature. It felt like drinking lemonade on a summer day. Matt sighed leaned back a little and enjoyed the warmth of the sun on his face while his thoughts were running marathons inside his head. Again and again they came back to his feeling of guilt whenever he remembered the plan that Joe and Jonathan had had. He didn't know if they still remembered it and if they were still planning on doing it but he wouldn't be a part of their schemes anymore. And although the two had thought that he was following their plan he had never intended on doing so. His brother's lecture was still ringing in his hears and he huffed. There was no doubt about it that if Daniel was gay Matt wouldn't tell anybody about it who would use that knowledge to threaten him. He felt too protective of Daniel, both because he considered him his best friend now and because of the feelings he had for him that went beyond friendship. But still there was the feeling of guilt.

Matt shook his head and opened his eyes, focusing on the hedge in the distance that surrounded the park. He felt like he needed to clean up his head. The metaphor had always resonated with him because more often than not he had wished that it was actually as easy as cleaning up a messy room, just being able to open up his head and sort all the thoughts into their corners like books onto a bookshelf. Sadly thoughts were so much more complicated.

"Well, I love him," he told the duck after taking a careful look around to check if anyone was within earshot. "Definitely."

It was true. They had been friends when they were younger but he had always wanted Daniel's attention all to himself. He smiled at the thought of his innocent younger self and once again he wondered how things would be if homophobia didn't exist. Either way, he loved him and even though he had apologised for it over and over again lately he still felt guilty for the way he had treated Daniel for the past few years.

Guilt. There was more to it than just that. There was the question if he was lying to Daniel by not telling him about the plans that Joe and Jonathan had made. Did Daniel need to know about it though? Wouldn't that make Daniel more wary of him? They had just started to rebuild a friendship that once was and Matt didn't want to lose that. Daniel seemed to be a very kind and forgiving person so even if he could not be with Daniel at least he could still be friends with him. It was better than nothing. But if Daniel found out through someone else wouldn't that damage the trust more than if he just told him now? Matt sighed and got up from the bench. He knew that he didn't have the guts to tell Daniel and did he even need to know anyway? And if the answer to that was no then wasn't he technically protecting Daniel by not telling him about it?

"I am going to walk for a bit," he explained to the duck who looked at him and Matt had no problem imagining betrayal in her eyes when he got up and stretched his legs. He had sat there for far too long.

Soon, after wandering around aimlessly for a while, he found himself on the narrow gravel path that wound itself up the slope of the hill and lead to that special place that Daniel had decided to share with him. For a moment he stopped and asked himself if he was invading a place that was so important to Daniel. Maybe he should only go there if Daniel was going with him? He smiled at the thought of going up there again with him. It was wishful thinking because he missed the afternoons and weekends where they had hung out together. His steps got faster the closer he got and he finally took a deep breath of the clear air when he stepped out between the trees onto the stone. But the relaxation he was expecting was wiped away when the sight of the beautifully setting sun was tainted by the figure of a slim boy rocking back and forth on the ledge with his arms hugging his knees tightly.