
warning: self-harm and disordered eating
As the days blended into each other, Jin had expected the days to get easier. But his mind refused to let go of everything that he had been forced to endure.
He was even more paranoid anymore. Surely, everyone hated him. Surely, he was useless. If he got beat up one time, and now a teacher had yelled at him about it so many times, there definitely was some truth to the substance. Oh, he knew he was being irrational. Oh, he knew there was a possibility that Dang Seung was completely insane, but that didn't do anything to make himself feel better.
The others encouraged him. They were always so sweet and caring, but he literally could not get himself out of this rut. Others had dug him a hole and he had voluntarily jumped into it.
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He quickly realized, cutting himself gave him a comfort that few things did. It was unhealthy, he knew. But it was easy. Every night, he would find himself reaching for the blades. He would take one out and gently drag it across his skin. Sometimes it would draw blood, sometimes it wouldn't, but just the pain would calm him down.
He would bandage his cuts up carefully. He would hide them underneath his shirt. Jin would do anything to show the others that he was doing absolutely alright. He wouldn't have the others worry anymore. It was his fault that this had happened anyway.
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Gosh, he knew that something was wrong. Yoongi considered himself to be one of Jin's closest friends. He could tell when Jin wasn't alright. And now, seeing how secretive and scared he was all the time, how his face looked when he got yelled at, or just how unhappy he looked all the time, Yoongi just knew that Jin wasn't doing well.
He tried to ask him a few times if everything was okay, but Jin always said he was.
Yoongi saw the haunted look in his eyes though.
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There was such an alarming lack of control in his life. Jin tried to regain some of that. Even if he couldn't control how people treated him, he could control how many times he cut himself when he got home. He figured he could lose a few pounds. He just wanted to have some authority in some areas.
For the past months, he had resembled a rag doll. He had been thrown around from one end to the next, entirely at the mercy of other people. Now, it was time for him to do the same to himself.
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Namjoon's eyes widened. Poking out of Jin's shirt was the edge of a bandage. Now, anything could've happened, but he kept his guard up just in case.
"I think we should go ahead with her," Sejin said.
Jimin nodded. "I agree."
For once, they had been invited into the discussion of who their new dance teacher would be. Jin would normally be speaking his mind here, but he sat quietly. He occasionally picked at his sleeves. And that's what had gotten Namjoon's attention.
He tried to keep his mind off of it. He couldn't confront Jin about it - no, Jin would probably get angry - but he couldn't know for sure either. It was a complicated situation. Namjoon sighed. As a leader and a friend, he felt like it was in his business to know if something was going on.
But...
He tried to focus on the meeting. If he didn't, someone else would come who would do other crazy things.
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He had terrible self-control. Forget about losing weight, he couldn't stop eating now. He would eat until his jaw hurt from chewing. He would eat until he felt like he was going to throw up.
He needed to stop. Oh no. Someone was going to find out.
In anger, he lashed out at himself. He couldn't control anything but himself.
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"Hyung, hyung, hyung..."
Yoongi hurried over. Jin was hunched over in his bed, sobbing. He didn't care that it was three in the morning.
Yoongi wrapped his arms around Jin's shaking body. He didn't know what to say so he stayed quiet, hoping that his presence was enough to calm Jin down. Every time Jin sobbed, he gently patted his back.
"It's okay, I got you," Yoongi wanted to say. But he couldn't. He was too shy.
Instead, he rocked Jin back and forth. He knew that Jin was embarrassed, he knew that he hated others seeing him like that, but he needed comfort now, and Yoongi was willing to give it.
Back and forth, back and forth, until Jin finally asleep. Yoongi stayed up though, worry clouding his thoughts.
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old note:
Y'all know when you're sick and you don't want to be cuz you feel like trash but at the same time, you sort of want to be so you can stay home and not go to school and face the people who call themselves your friends
im sorry
780 words
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I Can't Hold on Anymore
Fanfiction[Completed] [Rewritten] "I feel like I'm an artist. My brushes are my blades and my canvas is my wrist." First chapter sucks, but I think the rest of it is decent . . . ❗❗Trigger Warning❗❗ Mentions of self-harm, eating disorders, depression and suic...
