Time Shift

The End Of The Road

Bjorn sighed as he watched the brake lights on the car in front of him come on yet again, it seemed that they were going nowhere fast, he'd already been in this queue for two hours. It was dark and snowing hard and he wanted to be at home, not for any reason other than he was tired and cold he admitted to himself. His marriage was as frozen and cold as the queue he was in, Lena had made it very clear that once she'd had the girls she wanted nothing more to do with him. Their relationship was as warm as an arctic wasteland unless there was an event and press then Lena would insist on coming, Bjorn had considered divorce over the years but didn't really see the point, he'd burnt all his bridges and he was stubborn. He couldn't admit that he'd failed twice because this time he had no excuses, last time he could blame Anna and Abba though if he was honest he had blamed Anna not Abba, she had been the one who ended it by leaving but she had carried on with Abba so the band wasn't the issue that she had made it out to be or so he had thought back then, it had taken years for him to admit to himself that it was he who had been at fault. A wry smile came to his lips as Gimme Gimme Gimme happened to come on the radio and he found himself wondering how she was and by far not for the first time, he knew that she'd cloistered herself at Ekero and that it was the only place that she felt safe, Linda and Christian had closed ranks around her and really he couldn't blame them. It had taken years for him to understand her
actions and if he looked back on their time together for too long he was conscious of a deep sense of regret and shame that he'd let go of their marriage so easily. He found himself very soon missing the fights that he'd moaned about, he'd come to recognise them as a sign that they'd both cared intensely and their fights were so much part of them. Now he couldn't remember the last time he'd cared enough to fight with Lena, they'd fought over the girls in the early years because he had wanted to see them more, it had been the height of irony really that he and Anna had fought over the fact that he didn't see Linda and Christian enough. He sighed as the traffic moved forward another inch, all he ever got out of Linda was that her Mama was well and if he asked Christian he would say the same. Now the children were grown he had no excuse to see her, they saw the grandchildren at different times even and he was more sure than ever that it was deliberate though no one would say.
Many people would question why he would want to see his ex wife after all this time especially after such an acrimonious split and it was despite what they had told the world but his heart  would always belong to her. There had never been a time that he hadn't wanted to speak to her, that he hadn't wanted her company but life, his own stubbornness and Lena's demands had overtaken him and suddenly years had passed before he'd realised.
He growled in frustration as the car in front continued to stay frustratingly still, he wanted to distract himself with work again, he did not need these thoughts in his head, there was nothing he could do now what was done was done, no matter how bitter his regrets were. People said he was a workaholic, yes he was but there was a bloody good reason.
Hindsight was a cruel mistress that was for sure, he wished so many things but most of all he wished he'd taken notice of Anna, he wished he had loved her like she had deserved but now the 30 minutes between their houses may as well be the other side of the world, it had turned him cold he knew. For years it had felt like he was frozen, his faith was gone, his children were grown and had lives of their own, he saw them on high days and holidays, he saw Christian and Linda more but he hadn't set foot in Ekero for more years than he could remember they always met out and about or at his house.
He thought of what he had waiting for him at home tonight Lena out and about or watching ridiculous TV, they'd sit there in silence having tried to make desolute attempts at conversation which always ended in Lena huffing impatiently and telling him she wasn't interested. He'd take a microwave meal or a takeaway into his office and there he would stay for the rest of the night until he took himself to his room and attempted to sleep. More often than not he would fail and he'd lie there wide awake with memories for his only company and he'd relive his life and imagine how things would be if he'd made different decisions. He jumped as a horn beeped and he realised traffic had moved a little bit so he edged the car forward and soon came to a stop again.
Deep in contemplation Bjorn didn't hear the phone right away and it was the flashing of the screen out of the corner of his eye that alerted him, he answered it through the hands free and was delighted beyond reason to hear Christian's voice "Hi Papa, how are you?" "Stuck in traffic on the way home but fine. I was just thinking of you. How are you?" Bjorn replied "We're all fine Papa, just calling to ask if you wanted to come to dinner one night, we haven't seen you for a while" "I'd love to" Bjorn didn't stop to think, he didn't ask when or where he just needed to see his family "Who will come?" he asked "you, Linda, Jens me Isabelle" "What about the kids?"  he asked "Mama will have them all, she says it's time for us to have supper  just us. We don't get much adult time together and we thought you might want to join us" Bjorn was pleased but couldn't help feeling sad "Mama could come you know" he tried "I wouldn't mind seeing the kids, I'd love too" "Mama can't come Papa" Christian was gentle "Is she ill?" Bjorn asked "No Papa, she is well and she's at peace with her life" Christian told him quietly "Why won't she talk to me?" he wasn't really asking the question he was just frustrated "Why won't you two let me near her? I won't hurt her" "Papa, you already did that but you don't know how her life is now, she not scared at Ekero, she can live a life there that she finds fulfilling. She needs peace now Papa and she's very aware that you have a good life, Lena was always very clear that she keep away and you supported that Papa" Bjorn sighed "You're right, I did. I never meant for it to get this far Christian." he admitted "it was easier not to see her" Christian sighed "Papa, you can't change your mind now, you cut her off. She had no choice in the matter but if its of comfort to you she doesn't see anyone really, just us" "Christian, I was young and stupid and very foolish. I will pay the price for the rest of my life. Don't make the same mistake I did. If you truly love her don't you ever let Isabelle go son" Christian was left speechless as his Papa then said "let me know when dinner is, I love you. Tell her I'm sorry" and hung up. Christian was sure that he heard Bjorns voice cracking in that last sentence and was left staring at the phone in his hand.
Bjorn drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and thought over what Christian had said and was sure that he was right. He had known over the years the struggles that she had, he cringed at his lack of sympathy for her worries back in the day, it seemed that she had been proved right for whatever had happened to her had driven her to seek solace in her seclusion, he really couldn't blame her, he just wished that he could be with her. He smiled to himself age was making him crazy, wishing for things that would never happen. He had divorced Anna 35 years ago and he was damned if he could think of a good enough reason why he'd let her go, he couldn't remember anything other than Lena setting out her intentions pretty clearly and Anna walking away from him because he chose Lena and Abba over her. He should never have done that, it gave him a life sentence of regret that had become all consuming as the years went by. There was so much he should have done. So many wrong decisions that he could never make it right. He thought of the last beautiful time he'd seen Anna 2 years ago. No one else would ever know but them and he was so sorry he'd let her slip away from him a second time.
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of squealing brakes and the unmistakable sound of an uncontrolled skid, he looked in his mirror and saw an articulated lorry barrelling towards him at speed on the ice. He closed his eyes and murmured "Forgive Me Anna" and he knew no more.