Time Shift

Guardian Of The Night

She crept in safe under the shroud of darkness, her demons were snapping at her but she was more determined than she had ever been, she would make it Bjorn's side no matter how terrified she was. She slipped in through the only entrance open at that time of night, creeping in through the emergency department cutting a non descript figure in jeans, dark boots and a hoodie of Christian's, she managed to get out of the department more by luck than judgement and spent far too long looking for intensive care for she did not want to ask anyone and draw attention to herself. Once she got there she'd had to wait for what felt like an eternity until someone came out and the doors opened. She snuck into the department and had singled an older looking female nurse and as she approached her the nurse glared at her and said "How did you get in here? We can't have visitors in here at this time of night, it's past midnight" Anna's resolve faltered and she whispered an apology and even turned on her heel before she remembered the conversation she'd had with Linda that morning. It had been 2 weeks since Bjorn's accident and she'd heard from Linda that there had been no change and no response from Bjorn, if that hadn't been bad enough Linda had told her that after a one short visit in the first week Lena had said that she wasn't going to visit again until the nurses told her that he was awake, that she wasn't going to just sit with him because it was a waste of time, she saw no need for it. She had told Linda on the phone to stop ringing her and bothering her. Emma and Anna had visited every day and they were horrified at their mother's attitude  but had confided to Linda that their parents marriage had been over in everything but name for decades and they genuinely didn't understand why they hadn't divorced, there was no shame in divorce nowadays and it was clear to them that both of them were unhappy. Linda had told Anna only some of this, she felt all of it would have a negative impact on her mama. The three girls had discussed all this while sitting with Bjorn and Linda had a lot of her suspicions confirmed.
What Anna did know was that Bjorn was all by himself for most of the time fighting for his life and she knew that she needed to see him, she needed to see him like she needed to breathe. She needed to reassure herself that he did live and she would never forgive herself if he died before she'd set eyes on him, she needed to help him fight. She'd planned this for days, she hadn't driven alone for such a long time and certainly not in the dark, she planned her clothes and her route to the hospital, she knew that she couldn't go in the day because there was always the chance she would bump into Lena and the girls and that surely would not be good for Bjorn's state of mind if he could hear them and also she had to consider the press, if they were to get wind of this they would eat her alive and she would not bring that to Bjorn's doorstep, he'd had enough of her dramas over the years and she would not give him another one. She'd snuck out of Ekero at 1130pm when everyone was in bed and confronted her terror, she sweated her way through the 40 minute drive to the hospital and nearly cried as she walked into the hospital in the dark
All these thoughts whizzed through her mind, she come so far and she could not be denied, she turned back around and said quietly to the nurse "I AM sorry, I know its against the rules but I need to talk to you. Please." she begged bravely. The nurse hadn't recognised her yet but she did recognise the pain in her voice so she ushered her into the waiting room and closed the door. Anna took her hood down and her glasses off and the nurse audibly gasped." please, I'm trusting you with my life. I know you know who I am, I cannot come in the daytime. I'm sure you understand why. I need to see him, please let me" she begged and impatiently wiped her tears away "I won't hurt him, I know he's sleeping but I need to see that he's breathing, that he lives" Anna was ready to get down on her knees but the nurse took hold of her arm gently "Miss Faltskog, I understand. You could have called and we would have sorted it out for you to come overnight. You don't need to sneak around. I understand" she repeated reassuringly "I have to sneak around in case the press see me or someone recognises me and tells the press, that wouldn't be good for him, besides we aren't really on good terms but I won't bother you again after tonight" she said quietly "Miss Faltskog, my name is Eva, he could do with some company. He can hear you even if he can't respond. I can take you to him but I need to tell you some information first so that you are fully prepared for what you will see" Anna listened carefully as Eva explained the machinery that was keeping Bjorn alive, she explained the noises that they made and that she'd soon get used to them. She told Anna that she needed to wash her hands before she touched him because any infection could be dangerous for him. When they'd finished Anna put her glasses back on and her hood up and said "Can I ask you and your staff not to tell anyone that I've been here? If his wife or children were to find out it wouldn't do Bjorn any good and I want what's best for him" "Miss Faltskog Mr Ulvaeus has the right to visitors, in confidence. We will not divulge his private business to anyone unless we are bound by a legal ruling, currently we are not so you have no worries. I will talk to the night staff team" Anna was reassured for now and Eva opened the door to escort her to Bjorn's room, Anna washed her hands carefully at the sink outside his door and when she was ready she steeled herself and forced herself to follow Eva. She'd never been so scared in all her life and she thought she was going to throw up right there and then, everything else that had ever scared her paled into insignificance compared to this and her first sight of Bjorn threatened to buckle her knees and she'd had to grab at the bedrail to keep herself standing and Eva found herself feeling so sorry for this beautiful woman, she'd met her less than 20 minutes ago and she could already see the love shining out of her for this man and she could see the suffering in her eyes. Unprofessional of her it may be but the thought crossed her mind that no two women could be so different, his current wife couldn't care less and yet here was his ex wife coming here in the middle of the night because it was best for Bjorn and her tears pierced Eva's professional armour "He's stable Miss Faltskog, he's just healing" she tried to reassure her and Anna turned tear washed eyes to meet hers "Why doesn't he wake? I don't care if he hates me and tells me to go, I want him to fight with me. When will he wake up?" she'd lost all reason and Eva recognised that and set about reassuring her all over again "it all takes time Miss..." "just Anna will do" Anna said firmly "Anna" she amended "I've seen thousands of coma patients and there is no reason to think that he won't come out of this in his own time, he's stable" she repeated "What should I do??" Anna was anguished " I need to do something for him. What can I do??" Eva said gently "Talk to him, let your voice bring him home. Let him hear you. Sing to him. Remind him why he needs to come back. Give him something to aim for" she said gently "How much can you cope with Anna?" "Anything, I'll do anything for him" Anna said with no doubt or hesitation "his lips and mouth get dry because of the ventilator, he gets mouth ulcers if we don't care for him I could teach you how to do it, it needs doing a lot" "Teach me" Anna said eagerly "I can do it for him. Can I touch him?" "Yes, you won't hurt him, coma patients respond to touch. I'll leave you for a while, I have a round to do. When I'm done I'll come back and see how you're doing and teach you his mouth care routine if you still want to by then" Anna nodded assent "Anna take your coat off, make yourself at home. I'll talk to the team, you're safe here. Relax with him" Anna smiled and with that Eva left.
Left alone with Bjorn Anna avoided looking at him for an age, she found comfort in just his company, if she looked at him she would have to admit this was really happening so she spent an inordinately long time taking her coat off and using the en suite toilet but when she came out she realised that she was being ridiculous, this is what she had come here for and she was wasting time, who knew when they would throw her out and so she made her way to the window side of his bed so she was facing the door, she lowered the bed side so she could get to him, she gently took hold of his hand, it was warm and dry "Hjartat, you must come back. I'm sorry it took me so long baby, but I'm here now" she wasn't expecting a response so she tangled her fingers in his and leaned forward to study him, she stroked his hair off his forehead "You look peaceful Bjorn but you've had enough sleep now, we need you to come home. I need you to be here even if you hate me I need to know that you are fine" she rested her forehead on his "I love you Bjorn Ulvaeus, you'll never know I was here but I need to say it.  Five decades I've loved your bones and if you die now I'll never forgive you I swear" her tears dripped onto his face and she wiped them away gently. She rubbed small circles on the back of his hand absently while she chatted to him about the children and the grandchildren, she told him about her two dogs and her driving here in the middle of the night and how scared she'd been but she'd done it. Eva came back in as she was finishing that story and she smiled quietly to herself, that was more input than he'd had in days and she noted that Anna was not scared to touch him and had tight hold of his hand. "OK, I've spoken to the night team and they know that when you visit you'll be coming at night, they are bound by our confidentiality contracts so your presence here will not be leaked. Anna was grateful and said so" Anna this shouldn't be a one off, he needs you and I think you need to be here for both of you don't you?" Eva questioned gently. "He probably wouldn't want me here" she admitted "we fight all the time" "Let's deal with that when the time comes, there's a fine line between love and anger isn't there, I see it a lot" Eva said "Still want to learn?" "God yes" Anna said and went to wash her hands again. Eva showed her the intricacies of mouth care and Anna could see that Bjorn's mouth and lips were very dry and looked sore and his skin looked dry "Can I bring lip balm and some cream for him?" she asked "Yes of course, bring him familiar toiletries, the smell can help. Wear the perfume you always wore, it may awaken memories. Play your music, remind him of the Abba days. It may be painful for you but it might jog something for him" "I will, I'll do it for him" Anna said decisively "When can I come?" "as many nights as you wish Anna, I've cleared it with the bosses and as long as you stay in this room with him it's ok. As long as you abide by the rules and you don't disturb any of the other patients and you stay out of the way when the nurses come to do something then it'll be fine with all of us. You'll be safe here. I'll get you a parking permit so that you can park just overnight in our department car park so you won't have to walk through half the hospital. I'll show you the way when you go" Anna had tears in her eyes at the generosity of this woman and her team "I'll do all that you say I promise, I'll come and see him every night until he's better. He has to get better" Eva smiled and watched over Anna until she got Bjorn's care exactly right then left her to it.
Anna chatted with Bjorn until 4am and made lists of the things she would bring for him and the things she could do, she found it incredibly hard to leave him alone and vulnerable but she needed to be home before it was light and she needed Eva to show her the car park that she was to come to tonight and get her permit.
She kissed Bjorn gently and told him she'd be back tonight, she told him she loved him and on the drive back to Ekero she realised that she finally felt that she had a purpose in life and despite the uncertainty of the situation the prospect of spending every night with Bjorn until he woke gave her unexpected peace. She knew that she regretted much in her life but she would not regret this, he would wake and he would never know of her input and that was quite the way it should be.