The falling seasons

Part 20

Haruni slowly opened the diary and she landed on a random page and with her educated eyes she could only feel how beautifully the words were written. She smiled as she forgot that it was written by someone she had hated all along.

19 June

Dear Daisy,

It has been really cold since few days and I am not able to get up so easily in the early morning as I used to be in my days of youth, or you can say before this disease got latched upon me. This cold is eating my brain away. If I cannot complete this writing part in time, then everything I have created over the years will be done for. And everything I have been holding tight will be annihilated.

Today when Sunanda came in, I didn't know how, but I felt she brought in a ray of hope of light with her. She actually brought in the light by opening the curtains for me. But with light, she also brought me the news that I am still trying to shake off. Haru has requested me to accompany her for the homeroom visit to her school. But with this unknown illness that eats me every moment, I don't want to make Haru come in contact with me for longer periods of time.

Haru is an understanding child since the time she started to perceive things. She understands even when her mother cannot shower her with the love she actually deserves. And I have been trying my best to not make her get attached to me, because someday when I leave this world, I don't want Haru to feel that she lost something, I wish, when I die, Haru should feel that there was nothing that was gone from her part. And she should be an independent child who can make wise decisions in her life by then. But...

The next few words were a bit smudged with a teardrop, but Haruni kept on reading-

I want to see my child! I want to hold her tight! But my illness, my disease... I don't want it to consume my baby who is as delicate as a petal of a rose. I know I can take this pain, and I should take it without complaining because I may have done some sins that need to be punished, but Haru? Well, Haru has done nothing wrong and instead she is taking the pain on my behalf, by not getting the part of my love when she deserves every part of it. So I will never allow this monster to consume my tender child.

Sometimes I see Haru jumping around the house. The golden shine of the chandelier is increased by her charm, but how much more can I see through the slit openings of the door and the hinges? But I am happy that Haru is happy without me, and she should be! Because she is a great girl and she deserves much more than a diseased weak excruciated mother.

Even when I want to see my child's happy face at school, I will not make her pay the price of being with me. For now, I will focus on the work that has been left, because of Sunanda, who had taken my pen away from me. I will start from the place I have been stuck...

So until next time!

Haruni's eyes were wide. She passively turned to one more page.

25 July 

Dear Daisy,

Today when Haru came into the house I was so ashamed of myself that I couldn't even look at her. That lovely child had gotten the highest marks in the entire class and had gotten it for her mother! And guess what? Forget accompanying, her shameless mother didn't even step out of her house to welcome her daughter.

It felt like an ice-cold knife piercing my flesh when Haru told me that she hated me. At that moment I couldn't even think anything. So I blurted out my inner feelings. I told Haru to despise her useless mother who is looking upon a dream of living more when there ain't one. I couldn't even make her feel good on a day where she had to have the greatest joy of her entire life. So when I came back to my room I felt that I had been an unfair mother, I felt like I should at least treat with her something that would make her happy even without coming in contact with me. So I thought