Ordinarily Normal

Chapter Thirteen

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

I walk to their car and sit on the back seat.

I suddenly think of the absurd reason as to why the Police man hasn't questioned two 14 year olds for driving a car. I suppose the whole world has kind of fallen and split in two hasn't it?

As I sit in mum and Dad's car I can see Izzy talking to the police man in sign language. He obviously is not fully understanding and had she done that at another time I would be sitting here laughing at him, but no.

I sit playing with the material pocket on the back of the seat in front of me.

The whole car smells of them, that sweet parent-y smell. I look out the window at the forest surrounding one side of this road. It's thick with trees all swaying harshly in the wind. I wonder whether the killers would have ran back into the woods or whether they were in a car themselves.

I soak up the atmosphere and my thoughts and gather them all together in a ball of wool and store them away. I stop the shaking. I stop the heavy breathing. I stop the tears. I stop the goose pimples. I recollect everything before Izzy opens the car door.

She says 'We cannot be in here.'

I reply 'Well I am, this is my parents car and I'm not moving.'

She nods and takes a seat in the front. I guess she didn't mind me sitting in the car and it was probably the policeman who told me to get out. I now feel a sense of control over him.  Almost like I have won.  Me and Izzy sit in complete silence completely still letting our thoughts mingle. We must sit there for about 15 minutes before the thick policeman struts up to the car.

He lowers his head to the back window and gestures for us to step outside. I pretend not to hear him as I crawl into the front seat next to Izzy. I sit in the passenger seat and fiddle with the glove box as I count to ten, multiple times. The policeman steps to the left a bit and stands in front of my window. I roll down the window and he speaks

'Please may you evacuate the car as it will need to be searched.'

Izzy surprisingly jumps out of the car and closes the door behind her. I don't question it but I guess she just understood what the Policeman wanted rather than hearing his every word.

'Sir please may you evacuate the car too.'

I don't say anything but do gingerly get out of the car. I stand quietly outside leaning against the car door.

'Can I see them?' I ask.

'No sir, you may not, it is unwise.'

'But I'm allowed to decide what I want, surely.' I reply as a tear trickles from the corner of my eye. I look down toward my feet where I have my brown boots on. The tear travels down my cheek melting the cold icy feeling on my cheekbones before hitting the floor with an inaudible splash as the tear splits in two and bursts on the ground. Another follows another each in the similar spot as the last. Each less controllable, each gaining ferocity and power.

Izzy notices and puts an arm around my shoulder, I want to see them. More than ever. To just have five minutes to look at them. I wish I had five more minutes to speak to them. To tell that I love both of them more than anything that has every crossed my senses. But five minutes wouldn't be enough. I would need a day, a month, a year. More. I would of course kill myself during that time as I cannot imagine a world without them. I don't know how I am going to last anymore. How am I going to relax? How am I going to be able to say I am truly happy again? They will never see me grow up... Marry...or any of those things that we all take for granted as the days go by.

Numb, I don't feel anything. Nothing, like everything has been drawn out of me. I'm there but not there, here but not here, I'm on the corpus callosum of life. I'm on a bride between left and right, at the moment I am neither but I have to choose to venture into my new life or slip back into the ever growing depression I will get if I carry on how I am now.

I know what I want, it's easy, I want, my parents back. I want to reverse back in time and fulfil the happiness of our limited days together. The grief I get left behind is tragically unbearable. I feel helpless, abandoned. I need my parents to comfort me for the people I've lost but that's only impossible as they're the ones I've lost. Why me?

I don't know how I will get through these days, there will not be a single moment where I don't think of them. They were like my best friends, closest to my heart, the special ones and now they are no longer able to physically be that. I suppose in my heart they still are though. Losing someone close is like losing a part of what's inside you and it subconsciously rips apart from you leaving you never to be complete again. I don't want that! All the days where we would sit in silence not awkwardly but lovingly are gone, gone forever and an eternity, never coming back whoosh just like that, my world is turned upside down and I now do sit all alone awkwardly. I sit melancholy doing literally nothing.

Saddened by the situation. Hurt by the hollowness.

I sit on grief's doorstep. He engulfs me, suffocating my every breath, infecting my every vein. He has drained everything from me and I feel alien. Not at all human. I worry that I will turn cold-blooded with sadness. Everything I do now will be infected by this loss.

I sway slightly and Izzy holds me tighter. I need to sit down and give up the emotions.

'Get off.' I say even though she won't hear.

I take her hand off and push her away and shuffle round, open the car door and sit back in the driver's seat of my parents car. I sit, legs up on the dashboard in the front seat. Hands covering my face to hide the pain. I don't know how long I sit there for but no-one asks me to get out. I take away my hands and look out the window. I see Izzy talking to the policeman she is writing in her book.

I move to sit up straight thinking that I shouldn't have pushed her off but let me tell you this. If not for Izzy I would be dead now. I would have taken my own life somehow at some point. Probably in the care home.  I have never been attached to anyone but my parents. Without them I would become a nothing a nobody meaning I would dispose of myself to become a somebody. I am angry at Izzy for this, had I not met her I would be free to dispose of myself but I feel too attached. She will be broken if I was to leave her. If I was to leave her she would feel similar to how I feel. That is my justice to why I am angry at her but she doesn't know. She doesn't ever need to know.