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Chapter 1

I really want to be with you, Santana...

It's been 2 weeks since the Glee club officially ended, leaving its past and present members slightly lost and broken.

I've seen the world and I'm sure now more than ever that I belong with you...

It's been 14 days since I left my former home in Lima and came back to my new home in New York.

You can't recreate what you and I have...

It's been 336 hours since I witnessed my old friends graduate from McKinley High and venture off to start the next chapter of their lives.

If you want me... I'm here.

It's been 1,209,600 seconds since I said goodbye to Brittany... again (not that I'm counting).

Brittany...

Although it's been 2 whole weeks since I last saw my beautiful best friend, her voice and the last conversation we had still lingers on my brain. Brittany wants me back; Brittany wants us to be together. I can't tell you how blown my mind was to hear those sweet words coming out of her mouth. I was so surprised and shocked by that kiss that my entire body shut down for a few seconds.

That kiss... just, wow....

Do you have any idea how difficult it was to push Brittany away after her lips touched mine? It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I did it. I should be awarded a fucking gold medal or something! You have no idea how badly I wanted to kiss her back and take her into my arms, but I couldn't. Although my body was screaming "YES!" and urging me to continue, my stupid conscious was yelling the opposite.

Hello, brain... you remember Dani right?

Dani, who? Oh, that's right... your girlfriend!

In all of my 19 years of life, I've never wished more to be single than at particular point in time. I would've given anything to finish what Brittany started. No doubt it probably would've led to some very sexy times, but... I'm not that girl anymore; I'm trying to be better. Could I have gotten my mack on with Britt and totally gotten away with it... yes, indeed. However, my previous time with Brittany taught me to expect better from myself and to be a true, committed partner to my significant other.

Although I miss Brittany like crazy sometimes and think about how things would be if we were still together, the harsh reality is that she's not my girlfriend anymore... Dani is. Dani is a wonderful girl. She's kind and sweet and we get along so well. She has been a great distraction... right up until Brittany kissed me.

Why did she have to kiss me?!

I was finally in a good place and made so much progress on my quest to get over Brittany - with Dani's help - but now, I'm so freaking confused. But, what if I'm not completely over Brittany? Will I ever be? Like... is that even possible? More importantly... do I want to be over Brittany?

Aaahhhh!

I just want to press pause and go back to that moment. I want to not think about that kiss and how soft Brittany's lips were. I want to not think about how blue her eyes are and how I still manage to get lost in them. I want to not think about how her hand softly caressed my cheek and made me get that tingly feeling all over my body. I want to not think about Brittany at all because I really shouldn't be thinking about her to begin with.

I should be thinking about Dani.

"Santana!" I hear Dani yell as she shakes my shoulder, effectively breaking me from my inner turmoil.

"Huh?"

"Table 13 wants their check," Dani responds. "Hey... are you okay? You seem very far away..."

"Yeah, I'm good..." I quickly reply. "Lemme go cash my table out before my tip suffers even more."

I then hastily make my way over to my table before Dani can question me any further. I didn't tell her about what happened with Brittany... how could I? Better yet, what exactly would I tell her?

Hey Dani, by the way... Brittany totally kissed me and said she wants me back, but I totally stopped her before anything else happened. Now I'm kinda confused about what I want because I thought I was over her cuz things have been going so well with you, but I just don't know anymore. However, the good news is that I came back home to you, right? You all caught up now? Good...

Yeah... I don't think that conversation would go over so well.

I mean, technically I didn't cheat on Dani cuz I didn't kiss Brittany back. I know that I didn't exactly stop her when she first leaned in and pressed her lips against mine, but I have a reasonable explanation for that. I was in shock! I had no idea that Brittany was gonna kiss me or reveal all of the wonderful things she did afterwards. I honestly believed that we were over and that that chapter of our lives was closed. I thought for sure that Brittany would've already found someone new at MIT and that me and her would just continue to be best friends like we've always been... even before the romantic feelings became involved.

Now... my brain is just literally fucked. I know I've been kinda distant from Dani since I've been back, but it's not on purpose. I like being around her... it just feels a little strange now, knowing that Brittany left the door open for us. Honestly, I don't even know why I'm trippin' over this. Hypothetically, even if I wanted Brittany back, the long distance thing would still be an issue. Sure, Massachusetts is a hell of a lot closer than Ohio, but still... I don't ever want Brittany to feel like I left her behind again. When she initially told me that's how she felt when I came home that week to visit, it nearly broke me. It's part of the reason why I decided that we needed to take a break. It was never meant to be permanent, but I couldn't stand the thought of Brittany feeling all alone and hurting because of me.

And, of course... the rest is history.