What it means to have scars *Rewritten*

Chapter 4 Betterish

It's kinda weird when you think about it. I mean how many people can say that they made a friend at a mental hospital? Technically speaking I wouldn't say he's quite yet a friend but I can almost feel it. To be excited in my opinion is one of the weirdest emotions. You get butterfly's in your stomach like your riding up a rollercoaster. It just builds and builds until your at the point where you're about to come down.

Other people are weird things too. I mean for sure I can enjoy conversations with others. I also generally like people, except children of course, they just gross me out. When things like this happen I'm reminded how other I feel. Like I lack something that every other human has, everyone can feel this great connection and I'm left out of the circle.

Sorry sorry bit off track there. Currently I'm walking into the hellish room that is the meeting room. However I'm feeling less miserable then usual, Zane is here twice a month. Twice a month that I won't be alone in this room. Now don't get me wrong, I've known Paisley and Carrie and even Blake for about a year. A year coming to this room to the same people or people who aren't here long enough to form a connection. I don't know I guess I've always felt out of place even here with people who are also struggling to feel that connection to the world.

Moving on from that depressing subject. I notice Zane isn't here yet only Dr. Anderson and Paisley grace the room. Paisley notices I've arrived and sends me a pleading look then glances at Dr. Anderson. Currently he's picking at his teeth and not saying a word. Understanding what they mean I nod and sit next to him. Paisley gets very anxious when its quiet so I make small talk until others enter the room.

Five of the nine chairs are full. I really hope Zane will come today. He might come next week but after last week I want to see him as soon as I can. Just as this thought passes through my head Zane walks through the door.

He's wearing a "Falling In Reverse tee shirt with a red and black flannel accompanied by black jeans with several zippers. His hair is a "I didn't try but I still look fabulous". As soon as he enters his hazel eyes dart to mine he immediately takes the seat next to mine.

"Now let's get started" Dr. Anderson interrupts the first chance he's given.

Zane gives me a look that I interpret as he's annoyed with Dr. Anderson for interrupting us. It makes me feel light in my chest. He wanted to talk with me. To be fair most good friend's talk everyday I mean we did seem to get along last week. If you couldn't tell I have the fun tendency to overthink EVERY LITTLE THING. But that's just a fun accessory to my anxiety.

"Today we're going to switch things up. Pair up with someone else in the group and for five minutes discuss helpful coping skills".

Dr. Anderson says in a bored tone taking a few seconds to stare at every individual.
I immediately look towards Zane. He seems to know what I mean so, he nods enthusiastically. He gives me a bright smile it makes me feel the slightest tinge of awkward that he was so excited. But what can I say I'm happy he said yes.

I look around and everyone is in groups or rather their are three groups Dr. Anderson being in one with Blake. Paisley and Carrie and finally me and Zane. He taps my thigh to get my attention.

"Hey, you there?" Zane asks looking at me curiously, I nod and smile, starting to speak

"So how have you been "coping" as of late?" I ask a voice mimicking Dr. Andersons typical tone.

"Oh pretty good doing a little coke, little heroine y'know this and that. How have you been?"

I would have thought he was serious if I didn't see him trying to hide a smile. This banter is fun seeing him smile makes me feel so good. I want to see him smile all the time.

"I've been good, not coping as well as you have though" Saying this trying not to let a laugh slip is a challenge that I barely succeed in.

"Alright everyone time's up let's resume regular group".

He says so tiredly that If I had just heard his voice, would have thought he was a worker at the DMV.

Just when the conversation was getting good. I think Zane feels the same way by the look he's giving me right now. And from the corner of my eye I see him give me a once over. I feel like my whole body turns bright red like I can physically feel his eyes roaming me. I can't even fathom why he would find me attractive. He is my absolute definition of attractive, hot and tempting, it leaves me absolutely baffled.

I don't want the weight of his thigh touching mine to end. Or the soft feeling of his arm brushing my own limb. The places where he's touching me even so lightly feel so hot and comforting. I want him to wrap his arms around me, I want to feel like I'm snuggled in a blanket.

Is that weird? I think that's weird. God I've seen this guy twice and what already falling head over converse. Y'know this is why I go to a group at a mental hospital, i'm fucking crazy. Yep I'm using my mental illness as an excuse.

While I've been having this deep inner dialogue Dr. Anderson has been droning on about something. Now looking over to Zane he's giving me a somewhat concerned look. I forgot what it's like to have people care. In some ways its kinda stressful to have people care because the last thing you want to do is upset them.

Shooting my best I'm "totally fine and not thinking about you at all" smile.

"Okay everyone sessions over everyone try to have a good week" Dr. Anderson says with a tone so distasteful it reminds me of too lemonade.

You don't know how hard it is to come up with these metaphors. Amywhore folding up my chair I keep gazing at Zane its as if I can't take my eye's off him. Right now he's giving me concerned looks but hey you lose some and you have inner dialogs about hot guys.

Dr. Anderson is the first to walk out the door right to nurse Maggie. I give him the meanest glare I can conjure as I pass him though he hardly notices. Its like I'm on autopilot right now I see and respond to everything in my head but my body is just doing the moves. Zane is walking on my left side now it makes me feel somewhat happy I have a friend/ almost friend.

"So hey now that we're getting closer I was wondering would you want my phone number?" Zane asks with a air of confidence as though this is a normal occurrence for him.

"Yeah, I'd like that"

I want to grin but I manage a regular smile. Normal people do not get this excited over a phone number.

As I'm thinking this we reach Melissa, giving us a look over she opens her slider and tosses the bags. Zane barely catches his but the look of accomplishment on his face suffocates my irritation at her. I know why she hates me but she doesn't have to give Zane the same treatment.

I sit down in the nearest chair and Zane takes a seat next to me. Thighs touching I look at him but he's busy putting on his converse. Figuring I should get ready too I start to put on my own converse however now I feel his eyes on me. I can only imagine what he's thinking but hopefully its positive.

Standing up Zane follows and just as I'm about to nod to the security guard he grabs my arm. The feeling of helplessness floods me as it brings back many unwanted memories. But mostly I'm worrying about my arm. I feel stings along them even though he's only adding light pressure. Enough to get my attention but also enough to irritate my cuts.

Seeing the pain he immediately lets go but I feel he knows exactly what happened.

"I'm so sorry I didn't mean to do that" he says not making eye contact with me but my arm.

"It's fine no worries" giving him a smile but the pain from my arm still there in the background.

The security guard is observing and probably hearing the whole conversation. I know he won't talk though we're cool. Zane hands me a paper reading

425-*2*-9**9

Despite what just happened I still feel excited. He didn't reject me just yet even after what he learned. So I can count this as a win. Finally nodding to the security guard we walk out the doors.

His number in my hand.