I want her back...

Life Goes On

It seems like when I start to get happy again, something comes and knocks it over. I wish I could just go somewhere by myself or something where I cant hear about anything going on in the world but I cant. The things I want are too far gone and I cant do anything about that, it's my fault that I'm in the situation I'm in now but I wish someone would've at least tried a little to stop me. Its 1:27 am and I have been thinking about the same few messages since I got them and I'm happy for her but I'm also upset cause I want it to be me. Lifes just got a fucked up sense of humor I guess. I mean all I am anymore is a person for someone else to come and pick on or use for something so to some people I'm probably not even a person anymore. I cant show my emotions because my own situation but they are pounding at me all day, telling me I need to tell her how I feel and want to fix things but I can't. I have to keep everything balled up inside me where no one can find it and throw on a smile and get through the day where at the end I sit in my bed and just think till I wake up the next day and it starts all over again. I just cant get over her, she means so much to me and I cant get rid of it no matter what I do. Most nights I dream about her, but I wake up mad and hit my bed because it isnt real... I want her for her amazing smile, her beautiful eyes, that smile she has when she gets happy, that laugh she makes when I tell a stupid joke, her body to hold and kiss and hug whenever I want, that perfect personality that gets along with everybody as long as your a good person, the forgiving and loving heart she has.I want to be the one to be able to have that. Not one of my bestfriends...