big daddy matty

blonde-ing lights

  I whip out my Google Pixel 3 scrambling to phone Matty B Raps. I go to the only other contact I have in my phone with an eggplant emoji besides Jacob's. The phone begins to purr and soon a pleasurable squawk emerges from the device hidden within my long phalanges. "Hello...Matty are you there?",
I stutter in fear as I clench my left fist on the table. "Hello my hot sexy princess! How are you?" "I'm alright I guess... Listen Madison I think we have to talk." Matty's breathing goes silent, he is petrified. "Oh. Ok I guess. Where are we to meet my love?" "At the top of the lifeguard stand at the beach please good sir be on time", I cry as I am disappointed in myself. "I'll be there soon", he squeals and I hear his feet pattering like a penguin across the floor as he springs to fetch his keys.
***
(meanwhile at Mattia's place...)
   Mattia wanted to surprise Nicole the gift of apples and sugar cubes: the perfect horse treat, along with his horse coq. He walked in to hear neighing coming from the bedroom. Mattia walks in to find...no...could it really be...CHASE HUDSON crawling around the floor like a demented horse with a saddle on his back: Nicole mounted firmly on it?! "Mattia it's not what it looks like!!", she exclaims, "We were just horseing around, I swear!!" Mattia is on the verge of tears. He is shaken. He feels drops of sweat balling up around the rim of his bootycraq. "Don't try to lie to me. I know that once you go black you never go back. Goodbye Nicole".
***
(meanwhile at the beach stand)
   I sit patiently on the left corner inch of the purple lifeguard stand, sitting like a queen, awaiting the arrival of my 4'11" king, Madison Bee Wraps. From the corner of my eyeBALL, I see a sliver of my husky man's left ingrown toenail, immediately igniting a flame inside my third uterine tract as I yearned to yank it out and feed it to my king. His top lip quivers as he hobbles over at a speed of 0.234178 m/s and accelerating at 172 m/s^2 while exerting 403 Newtons of force and 102,824 Joules into the earth's crust from his coque dragging in the sand alongside his miniature body. I feel the ground beneath me tremble in fear. At first I confuse it with the constant convulsions of my 17th uterine tract, before I see the inhabitants of the beach running around screaming like there's no tomorrow. I now know...Madison's tremendous cawk has caused an earthquake 4 times the size of earthquake Katrina. I'm absolutely bewildered as I sit on the edge of my green lifeguard chair, trying with all my might to not tumble off the edge to my demise...do I run?! Do I hide?! Do I use Matty's caulk as a trampoline?! Do I use his foreskin as a parachute?! These are all valid questions, yet I do not have the time to ponder them as a ginormous wave comes surfing into shore on a yellow hello kitty surfboard. "Oh my golly gee!", I exclaim, "A tsunami has arisen from its slumber!!" "My bad", says Matty as he carefully slips his 3 inch cocc back into his Dorer the Explorer thong. "Oh no! What do we do now!", I screech like an aroused Tasmanian Devil in the moonlight as Matty proclaims with a smirk upon his visage, "What is there to do besides each other...". He places his left foot, ingrown toenails and all, onto the stand where I have placed buttocks. He stands hovering above me leaning in for a kith until...a bolt of the world's most powerful lightning strikes Matty straight in his voluptuous fivehead. He falls back in agony, hollering like a decapitated child, as his cranium begins to seize. His luxurious dirty (as in dirty from not being washed for 2 centuries) dirty blonde locks begin to spike up, turning a shade of neon white just like Anna from the hit 2013 Disney original film, Frozen. "Oh me! Oh my! What do I do with his carcass?! I may be a lifeguard, but what can I do once the life may no longer be guarded?!?!?!?!?!", I shiver in disgust. Suddenly Matty arises like Jesus on Easter Sunday, levitating (Dua Lipa with DaBaby) into the atmosphere above, like a heliums balloon released from the grasp of a child's greasy little phalanges. "I have arisen...", stroking his rotting fingies through his now platinum blonde hair before collapsing to the ground like a tranquilized horse. I finally realized what the B in Matty B Raps stands for: Bleach-Blonde-Buzzcut. "Well looks like he's alive and I wont have to hide anymore bodies this week...", I think in relief.
***
(meanwhile behind the tie dye lifeguard stand ~ Jacob's POV)
   After searching google for hours, Jacob (Jacob talks in third person...for anyone wondering) has finally stumbled upon the location of Sophie's employment. "At last...", he rumbles from the deepest corner of his esophageal glands. He slithers under the top layer of the sand like a burrowing groundhog, plotting to grasp onto Sophie's ankles and drag her into the underworld. Suddenly he feels astronomical vibrations and comes up for a quick peak only to notice a bulge arising from none other than Matty B's Dorer the Explorer trousers as Sophie leans in to provide CPR to his unconscious standing body. "What in the heck is going on here GUYSSSS", shouts Jacob as he feels the jealousy growing within his bottom right wisdom tooth. Sophie does a full 180 (crazyyyy -Dua Lipa without DaBaby) as she flails in utter shock. Jacob is ANGRERY. "I. DECLARE. WARREWEERR." Matty B whispers to Sophie, "I can finally demonstrate what else these fists can really do...".