Chapter One

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CHAPTER ONE

I wake up in a white room. There is no one around. I am connected with tubes all over. 'I survived!' I think wearily. I see my brother enter the room. He is so small, I reflect. I wish I were so. There is so much innocence on his face. He must have no worry. But even as I think that I can see the difference in him. The tiredness is evident, haggard lines have appeared on his face. He looks as if he hasn't slept for days. Have I done this to him?

He notices me staring at him.

"Valens?" I call out but my voice is a hoarse whisper.

He does not say anything but leaves the room as quietly as he entered it.

What the hell? Doesn't he want to talk to me? No, that can't be it. I mentally facepalm. He must have gone to fetch mom and the doctors. 

I look around me. There was a vase of lilac flowers beside me. "Allister!" I think. He always gave me lilacs. 
"Oh!" I whisper. Suddenly, everything comes back! The magnitude of what happened in the last few days hits me and tears make their way down my cheeks. I curl myself in a ball with the hope that it would ease the pain but the pain just doesn't leave! 

All my fault! All mine! 
The day had begun nicely enough. I was supposed to spend it with him but some of my old girlfriends came along and we decided to celebrate our reunion on the riverside. When I called to inform him of the change in my plans, needless to say, he understood. He always did. It was one of the best things about him. We hung up after exchanging I love you's. To think that was the last time I would ever hear him! During the course of the picnic, I had called him repeatedly only to have my calls unanswered. That had been enough to worry me. He never left my calls unattended. Let alone, so many calls. By night, I still hadn't received a callback, so I asked my friends to wait for me while I checked on him. Tears fill my eyes even as I think about it. I found the door to his flat slightly ajar. As I entered, I saw him asleep on the sofa. What I didn't see at that time was the knife jutting out from his chest. Once I did - well I don't remember much from that point on. From what I know, worried due to my prolonged absence, my friends decided to look for me and found me in a hysterical state. The cops were called. I don't remember being questioned. But then, I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to say anything coherently. My friends told me that I was in a state of shock.

Even though I don't remember much, I do have one regret -  that perhaps I could've saved him. If I had stayed with him that day instead of meeting with my friends, he would have still been alive. This guilt was what drove me to attempt suicide. 

I lose my train of thought as mom enters. She stops when she sees me curled up. A moment later, my brother joins her along with a bunch of stern-looking doctors.

Mom looks old, very old and very sick. Dad had expired when I was eight and my brother was just a year old and mom raised us both by herself. Luckily we had a great family and we were well off. Today, she didn't look like her usual radiant self.

I notice the dried tear streaks on her face. The mere sight of her makes my heart bleed. Her hair is left and unkempt. I can see tiny strands of white between her long black. Her eyes are puffed and red and she has visibly reduced a lot of weight. How long was I here since?

I know she feels the same seeing me. I don't trust myself to speak. So I hold her hand as tightly as I can.

 The pain is horrible but I'm not going to complain. This was my decision. A decision that has caused so many other's pain.  I deserve it. 

Noticing me reacting a bit, the doctors gear up to bombard me with details and questions. Apparently, I had been out for three days and had almost no hope of surviving. Somehow though, I made it.

I refuse to answer any of the questions put to me except to tell them I was fine. I need some time alone to think clearly. I want to be with my family. Eventually, they give up and we are left alone.

 No one says anything for a while, then my mom bursts out- "What were you thinking Veronica? I didn't give birth to this selfish a daughter. Didn't you think of us even once before doing this? How could I live without you? Did you think about your brother? He's just 14! Think of the effect this has on his mind"

There is nothing I can say to that. Tears are streaming from my eyes. I look at my brother who massages mom's shoulders in an attempt calm her down. How composed and mature he looks! Succeeding in soothing her, he gives her a glass of water and comes to sit beside me. He takes my hand in his and says, "Tell me everything!"

That is all he says. But it feels so good to know that someone understands my pain or at least is willing to try.  I am not ready but I am not going to argue. He knows it will be hard but also that I have to get it out. He knows everything already. I and Allister had never kept us a secret. Gently, he squeezes my hand. I take a moment to compose myself and am just about to begin when the cops come barging in. They say they need my statement about that night and they can't wait anymore. They are worried I will attempt to take my life again, and they will not get what they need.

 I tell them all that I know and they leave. I did not even bother to see who was questioning me.

I take a weak shaky breath. I don't want to talk anymore. I lie back on my bed.

Allister was murdered! Who could've possibly killed him? Allister had no close family and I had to have been the closest person he had. Somehow I have to find out the truth. I have to know who killed him and why. But first I need to get well.

With these thoughts running in my head, I close my eyes and drift off to sleep.

                                                                                ***

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