In Our Hearts

3 ~ KOURTNEY

It's been a week since the last show.

It's been a week since the last time I held his hand, saw his face and when he walked away.

I spend most of my days sitting on the couch, sipping on a red wine and staring on the window, looking at nothing in particular, any view I could get from the outside of my loft.

I'm famous, yet so fucked up. People think I have everything I want but not. I'm the most awarded female singer of this generation and yet I feel like I'm not enough. I'm not enough for Brin.

I thought he went out with me because I was special. I'm the best he can have. But really, can he ever find someone better than me?

What if he really left me because he found someone better? What if he thought I'm just like those famewhores who previously went out with him? What if I'm just a game to him?

Just having these thoughts makes me want to break him into pieces. I threw the glass of wine and it collided with the closest wall. I scream my lungs out and my maid rushed to the living room right away. She swept the shattered glass without any word and I started crying again.

***

More days had passed and I cannot find the courage to face the world. Today, I gathered all my strength to get up on my bed. After all the hints I gave out to the media that Brin and I are possibly dating for the past months, I cannot imagine what could happen if he will be spotted with some other girls again. Especially right now that the press are busy spreading the news we're over before we even begin.

I clutch my head. My mornings were not complete without hangover. I checked my phone from the side table and I have twelve missed calls from my manager, Oliver Wilson.

I dialled his number and he immediately answered after two rings.

"Kourtney, my darling. Thank God you called." The forced sweetness in his voice is so irritating. I can imagine his pinky finger in the air as he speak.

"What do you want?" I cut the chase. I know when he needs something for business.

"I'm just checking on you. Your manager has the right to know. We are worried about you." I almost believe him but no one showed care as much as Star did.

"Look, if you have nothing good to say, I gotta go." I was about to hang up the phone when he cut me off.

"Fine. I was hoping if you happened to change your mind about the America's Music Award? You know, the opening act. I know it's still far but-"

"No." I answered to stop him from wasting his breath.

"But.." He insisted.

"I said no and it's final."

"How long do you plan on casting yourself in the shadow? I thought you said Brin is just for fun? Why is it like the other way around now?" Oliver whined. Now I want to believe he cares. For the longest time we've been together as a team, he never let me down. He took care of me like he's my own mother and I'm his own chid.

But he doesn't need to point out how wrong I was. At the beginning, I thought of Brin as a leverage to boost my career. but as I get to know him, I fell and I knew I wanted more than what we have. I want him mine.

He lectured me on how I should go on with my life like it's just easy as counting one to three. I bid my goodbye to Oliver before I burst into yet, another flood of tears.

I steady my breathing and decided to grab the remote somewhere under my sheets. I turn on the flat screen tv and randomly scroll through the channels.

I was planning to distract myself from all the stress I was dealing but luck seems so aloof with me. I have passed three channels already and they were all some sick teased to my wounded feelings.

Soda commercial with Brin..

Music Channel with Brin's song playing..

A talkshow with Brin as guest..

I switch off the television and threw the remote on the floor. It feels a little upsetting that it didn't clash with anything to break.

I took the phone on the bed side table. I tap on the favorite list and dialled Star's number.

"Hey, where are you?" I asked her the moment she pick up.

"In Paris. How are you?" She answered with worry evident on her voicem

"Since when?" I was shocked, not recalling any moment she mentioned leaving the country.

"Last night. I was actually trying to call you to let you know but I guess you were already past asleep." She explained.

"Oh.." I didn't bother to correct her that presumably, I was past drunk when she tried to call.

She further explanained her travel is job related and bit kind of a rush. Right after I wish her luck with the project, I hang up the phone.

I don't know how to fucking consume my day now that Star is not around. I don't have much friends to call. Or I should say, people to trust in hanging out at the moment. Most of them are just trying to get info they could sell to the media and not genuinely concern.

I get up on my bed and went straight to the mini bar and pour myself a drink. I guess nothing is much better to do than to distract myself by staring at the busy ground of Soho from my window.

My hands run through the ipod player and search for a song to scream for me. And as if the pain is not enough, it chose to play the song Open Up by the one and only.

No matter how much I want to avoid him, I can never shake my head enough to erase him. And no matter how much it hurts not to be with him, it's only his voice who could ever soothe my broken heart.