~ Forgotten ~

Blood Stains

They tried to calm me. I took deep breaths in and slow breaths out.

The echoing wouldn't stop!

I could feel where they bandaged my throat. My mouth and throat were dry from screaming so much. My abdomen still hurt.

I was still wearing my suit. Blood was still everywhere.

I wanted to leave. Shower at least. I still knew the blood would just add to the invisible stains on my hands. My face was dry with tears and blood.

"I'm fine. I'm fine." I pushed everyone back and stood up uneasily. "I'm going to take a shower." I mumbled.

I walked off to my room, leaving them, with their dropped jaws and confused faces, behind. I turned on the hot water and undressed.

I was angry. I had gone so far, killed Madame B so easily, and was brought right back here against my will.

Thoughts rushed around my head as I let the water pour over me. It burnt my skin deeply, but I didn't care. I watched as the blood rinsed down into the drain. My matted hair only became more tangled. My skin was warm and cleaner. 

I scrubbed my face without mercy. I kept doing so even after the blood was gone. My eyes were blurry from tears. Red and sore.

I was so close. Why didn't they let me? I'm no good.

I shut off the water, not realizing I had stood there for about half an hour under the water, and dried off with a fluffy white towel. I wrapped it around me and attempted at my unruly red hair. After about 5 minutes, I grabbed under garments, jeans, and a button up white blouse.

I figured I'd try to look somewhat presentable past my dark circles under my eyes, the redness in my eyes, the large bandage on my throat, the bruises on my arms from when they yanked the knife away, and the bandage from the still aching hole in my stomach.

I was still confused as to why it hadn't healed. My powers had never been fully tested but I shrugged it off. Guess my body couldn't do everything.

I pulled on the clothes and braided my messy, wet hair into a side braid.

I looked at myself in the foggy mirror. I wish everyone could pretend nothing happened. I wanted everything to be normal. But we all know that wouldn't happen. They may not see my as a monster but I sure as hell do.

Maybe one day I could run away from here. Be free. I was starting to question myself as to why suicide was my first option. Running away could be the second. Yes, I'm a grown ass woman acting like I'm 12 running away from home, but living here? It was practically the same thing.

I didn't want HYDRA to have a grasp on me. Neither did I want SHIELD to. Maybe being alone, I could convince myself "It's not my fault" but I doubt that. Cap said that, but I don't think he listens even to his own preachings.

I sighed deeply and walked into the main area of my room.

I wanted to lie down and sleep. I was tired but I don't think I could sleep. I was surprised I fell asleep the entire way from Russia to here, but regardless, it was a very restless sleep. The voices..I don't know what they are.. but they don't stop. 

Maybe I am crazy afterall.

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"I don't want to talk about it." I sneered.

"Just explain." urged Natasha.

I huffed. they wouldn't rest until I told them something. Anything. "You wouldn't understand half of it."

"We'll try." offered Steve.

I sighed. "I bargained with Fury. Lied to Tony. Hopped on a quinjet. Lied some more. Landed in Russia. Killed Madame B. That's about all you'll understand."

"Uh huh. Care to explain the rest?" asked Tony. He had been drinking, like every night and day. He was woozy.

"No."

Nat sighed. She looked guiltily at my bruised arms.

"Don't worry about it." I assured her and folded my arms to hide them.

Clint had a different look on his face. He was, what I was guessing, the first one in the room at the academy. That's why he was able to shoot the gun out of my hand. He must have been the only one who saw with a gun at my skull.

I could tell he wanted answers but didn't want to push it.

I knew, by all their faces, they had one question and I only had one, logical and simple answer. 

"You're looking at me like a puppy with a broken leg. I'm okay. I swear on it." I lied. "It won't happen again. Trust me." That part wasn't exactly a lie or a truth. I had no idea what I'd do next.

HYDRA was still standing. Yes, Madame B..wasn't..but that didn't mean I wanted to stop there. Shut down HYDRA? Yes. Kill as many people as I want? No. I'd keep that part to a minimum. Zero, I hope.

"You're lying." said Natasha.

"No, I'm not. Now you all are going to let me leave now or you can fuck off." I said. I didn't care if it was a cruel thing to say. They were trying to help me. But I can't be fixed anymore.

I stood up and walked off. I wanted a breath of fresh air. I left the tower to go to one of the parks nearby. When I got there, had I realized, it's where I met Steve. It's basically how I got where I am today.

I sat down on a bench and sighed deeply.

I wanted to forget it all. HYDRA. SHIELD. But it would always be an imprint on my brain. Everlasting.

Our team, as everyone could tell, was falling apart. The media and the world was losing trust in us. We dropped a city from the sky for Godsake. People died. Wanda, a new addition, lost her brother. Vision was a thing now. We had to hide out at Clint's place. I ran away. People think were a threat. The U.N is against us.

Everything was falling apart. I knew I was going to lose my family soon. I was going to lose everything I have.

I'd be udderly confused and lost in the world.