Hiding From Us

41. liam

I sat next to Shain and put an arm around her. ‘‘What’s wrong?’’

     Her skin was warm, and I watched as she tried for a smile. It turned out to be a forced, sad smile, and I didn’t like it. Her hands were between her knees. Her fedora sat beside her, and her chocolate curls looked happy to be free. 

     ‘‘Nothing,’’ she said. ‘‘It’s just—nothing.’’

     ‘’Uh-huh.’’ I took my arm away from her shoulders and leaned forward so that I could stare at her eyes. ‘‘Shain. Nobody in this entire world has ever seen you depressed or crying. Are you gonna show your true colors or are you going to cover them up?’’

     ‘‘You’ve seen me cry, haven’t you?’’

     ‘‘Not because of emotional pain. I’ve seen you cry when you’re physically hurt, but not when you’re mentally hurt.’’ I put a finger underneath her chin and lifted it with mock skepticism on my face. ‘‘Has somebody hurt you on the inside?’’

      She smiled just a little bit as she sighed. Softly, she whispered, ‘’My heart’s a little cracked.’’

     So, to make her happy, I gasped dramatically and I spun in circles pretending to be an ambulance, muttering stuff into an imaginary walkie-talkie like, EMERGENCY EMERGENCY SHAIN FRANCES WATTS HAS A CRACKED HEART THIS IS NOT A DRILL ALL STATIONS REPORT TO SHAIN FRANCES WATTS, and then I collapsed on the bench beside her and leaned against her as though all my energy was gone. 

     I said, ‘‘This is an emergency.’’

     She said, ‘’No, it’s not. But thanks for trying to perk me up.’’ And then she kissed me on the cheek. 

     Quick as lightning, I pulled back and stared at her with wide eyes. My heart was pounding. Shain said, ‘‘What?’’ as I continued to gape at her. God, her heart really must’ve been cracked if she was kissing me on the cheek now. 

     I raised a hand to my mouth and spoke in walkie-talkie form again. ‘‘Attention, medics, we have a new report: side effects include kissing her best friend on the cheek. Also, she’s smiling a bit . . . and now she’s laughing. Code red! Code red!’’

     ‘‘Shut up,’’ she said. ‘‘Honestly, I’m fine. Erick and I just had a little mishap, but we’re okay now.’’ 

     I frowned at her. ‘‘Actually? Are you actually okay?’’

     Shain looked at me. Her diamond eyes were kind of wet, but they didn’t look like they were about to become more wet. ‘‘Liam,’’ she said, her tone serious, which was rare for her. ‘‘Tomorrow morning, I’m going to wake up and I’m not even going to remember what happened tonight because it’s such a minor issue. I’ll be fine.’’ And she gave me a smile, a real smile, but I still didn’t feel convinced. 

     Nevertheless, I let it go. She was trying to ease my worry. And so I would ease hers by pretending that she’d eased mine, if that made sense. 

     ‘‘Okay.’’ I sighed. ‘‘But I think I might be more convinced if I get another kiss . . ?’’

     She gave me a look and said, ‘‘Don’t count on it, Red,’’ and then she leaned into me and put her head in the crook of my neck. Hesitantly, I put my arm back around her shoulders. 

     ‘‘Well,’’ I said, ‘‘this’ll work, too.’’

     She said, ‘‘I’m not flirting with you.’’ 

     ‘’I know.’’ So I just closed my eyes and held her, inhaling her smell, feeling the feel of her curls against my cheek, cherishing her breath on my throat. Later, I saw Erick emerge from the gym. He saw us, saw Shain resting with me, and I watched him swallow. I gave him a look that hopefully said something like, This is your mistake. You need to fix it. He watched us for another second and then turned away. 

     When he was back in the gym, I touched my lips softly to her temple and I mouthed I love you onto her skin. She didn’t respond. I wasn’t sure if I wanted her to know, anyway.