PerfectionDefinition [AndrewBiersack]

Next is isolation and an ignored shot of comfort.

I didn't do much after the seminar. I just couldn't. I sat there by myself, thinking. I'd screwed so much up already, and I didn't want Andy healing me. I didn't want him near me. I didn't want Radke helping me. I wanted everyone to just leave me alone.

I took some sleeping pills, drunk them down with a bottle of vodka, and finally fell asleep, the sound of my own crying the last thing I heard.

****

I woke up the next morning to the sound of my band playing some loud Slipknot in the next room. Assholes.

I yawned, rubbing my eyes and sitting up, seeing that it was raining again and this time it was storming.

I cursed mentally. I loved cold weather, but I didn't want it to storm. Not really. It just made things difficult.

I lit a cigarette, dangling it from my thin lips and climbing from the bed, dragging a brush through my messy half shaved hair and tugged on an old Anthrax shirt, tugging on my black skinnies and chain, pulling my leather jacket on and making my way out.

I was supposed to be with Andy again today, but I was almost going to refuse.

The thought of spending another day with him just made my skin crawl. The fact that he didn't talk to me... The fact that he didn't even seem to care that my sanity and my life was basically hanging on a thread in his hands bothered me.

I didn't understand what he was trying to accomplish. Was this how he did things when he was getting his own life sorted out?

I didn't really know. I had never really cared for the man. So I guess it didn't matter. Did it?

I made my way outside into the rain, this time carrying a wide umbrella. Radke and Andy were already standing outside waiting for me.

I didn't even get a chance to speak before Andy's deep voice moved on.

"Today we're getting rid of all your drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes, so whatever you have, go and get it and bring it to me." he mused, lighting his own cigarette.

My eyes widened and my fists clenched in rage.

"What? No! Why the HELL would I do that?!" I yelled, and they both turned to me.

"Kai, listen to him. He knows what he's doing." Radke claimed, his eyes begging me to listen.

I sighed, cursing under my breath and running back up to my room, closing the umbrella and tossing it to the floor. I would regret it later when I was cold and wet, but I didn't care for now.

I went to my suitcase, opening it and ripping through my clothes, picking out my cigarettes I'd just bought and all the alcohol I'd bought here as well.

It wasn't bad, just some vodka and some whiskey.

And finally, I found a small bag of heroin in the very bottom that I'd nearly killed myself trying to get. I shook the small bag, the powder rippling in the small bag.

It had cost me so much money, and now I was getting rid of it.

I sighed, sitting on the bed and holding it for a moment. Was I seriously getting rid of it and changing my life? It had been a requirement, I knew, but I was giving it ALL up.

I took a deep breath, stuffing it in my jacket, grabbing all the rest of my addictions and going back downstairs and outside.

They were still waiting, and Radke had a somewhat surprised expression on his tired face. I would've been surprised as well. It wasn't often I listened to anyone besides Radke.

I shoved the bottles and packet in Andy's hands, pulling the small bag out of my jacket and stuffing it into the pocket of his jacket.

It didn't faze him and he handed the bottles to Radke, keeping the bag of heroin and cigarettes, raising his hand to call up a taxi.

One came spiraling down the road and stopped in front of us, Andy climbing in along with Radke and myself.

I asked where we were going, but neither of them answered and we kept driving. I bit my lip, running my tongue over the cool metal.

The taxi pulled up to a Red Lobster and I raised an eyebrow, shaking my head and climbing out behind Radke as the taxi pulled away.

"Um... Why are we here?" I asked again, and Andy, much to my dismay was the one to answer.

"We aren't going here, we're going to the bridge." he stated, pointing to the nearby bridge. It was a large metal bridge with rushing water beneath it.

I sighed. I was absolutely certain with what he meant to make me do with all my addiction things.

Andy kept hold of the cigarettes and the small baggy, and Radke held the bottles. They brought me to the metal bridge, my small and thin body standing on the very edge, almost allowing my limbs to dangle off the edge.

I let my finger trace along the tattoo again, my breath slightly rigid.

Radke handed me the bottles. "Empty them." he mused, stepping back. I could hear the tension in his voice. He was nervous. So was I.

It took me a moment to realize I needed to actually empty the bottles. I was so scared. I usually didn't show my emotions, but I was scared out of my goddamn mind.

I felt a warm hand on my back. "It's okay, Kai." I heard. I thought it was Radke. But it was Andy who'd said it.

I didn't answer, undoing the caps on the bottles and letting the liquid spill out into the water below.

I winced as the amber liquid mixed with the brown water. I felt like I was losing my life into the river.

Next was the small bag or heroin. Andy had said he was going to keep the cigarettes for himself, and I nodded. I didn't care. It was raining, I was soaked, and I didn't want to fight,

I emptied the bag, letting its powdery contents spill into the water.

The cold rain pouring over us made the scene more dramatic. I watched the white disappear into the grey as the wind came through faster and the rain came down harder.

I climbed off the side and just stood there. Andy opened his arms for a hug, but I ignored it, the depression setting in as I wanted nothing more than to smoke.

We started back, Andy not fazed in the least that I didn't want his comfort.

But for some reason, it was starting to way down on me.