john mulaney quotes that i live by/live for

Quote time

(most likely with more quotes i'll remember later)

"who just did that piece of shit move? expecting to see like a 100 year old dog whos texting while driving and drinking a smoothie- instead they see a 28 year old healthy man trying his best."

"WE WANT A GIFT! BUT ONLY IF ITS MONEY!"

"college was like a four year game show called 'do my friends hate me or do i just need to go to sleep?' but instead of winning money, ya lose 12,000 dollars."

"may i interest you in a confection, good sir?"

"'why? it's not like he's going to remember you.'"

"and then he looks at my mom and goes 'hi ellen' because he never forgets a bitch."

"i am damp now, i will be damp later."

"THATS WHAT I THOUGHT YOUD SAY YOU DUMB FUCKING HORSE!"

"was there really a ghost? or was the dead victorian girl you saw just me all along?"

"'ooh, i wonder who that guy is. i bet he did kill his wife.'"

"'this is an on fire garbage can........*shoulder wiggle*....or a nursery."

"TAKE YOUR EPIPEN- TAKE YOUR GODDAMN EPIPEN- AND GET OUTTA MY HOUSE!"

"'eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.'"

"you spend your day telling a robot that you're not a robot, think about for one second and tell me that doesn't make you want to walk right into the ocean."

"hey, you could pour soup in my lap and ill probably apologize to you."

"'i have fired the horse catcher.'"

"'you know how im so filled with rage, im so horny and angry all the time and i have no outlet for it, so- eggs"

"no way sister, you're not takin me to no secondary location- YOU WANT IT? GO GET IT!"

(i need to sleep now i swear- omg)