Shattered Silence

It’s grueling to get up after having a great fall off. Some find it disheartening as to the possibility of falling off once again. Some end up reticent from people around them, leaving an empty shell of the man who once was driven with a passion for success. It may sound hard to believe but I was once that man.

I’m Jeric Demoral. I am 21. I was born on the 3rd of June 1993. I have 3 siblings; two of them have a family of their own now. I’m said to be the bread winner on my family. I’d grown up being favored by my parents. Most of their attentions were focused on me. And as such, their expectation is not unknown to me.

I vaguely remember how and when things started to change its course but I did know that it was too late to take control over it. It didn’t occur to me that I had been chased not until it was too late for me to make a reaction. I was only on my 2nd year in college at Cebu Normal University, November of 2011, that my once complacent life had undergone a perturb situation. I was 18 by then. Guess I was stupid, immature and naive. I thought I was smart enough to make my own decision, to do thing my way and live my way. The choices I’d made were those that anyone would not be proud of. I honestly thought that I could easy get out it but I guess I was wrong, so wrong! When it did catch me I was caught by surprise. I had no time to react or do something about it. I was distraught, scared and anxious. I had no one that I can speak of my predicament, neither my classmates nor my friends. It didn’t take long for my parent to know of my current situation. It was insane, everyone demands an explanation but I can’t think of one. My dilemma drove me depression. I cried and cried myself to sleep every night. I got no one to rely and unload the burdens I carry which I brought to myself. My parent blames me. My relative questions my integrity. The people who knows of my situation looks at me with speculating eyes. I do not blame them for it. I was at fault.

Driven by the heaviness of my problem, embarrassment and disappointments, my muddled mind can’t help but thought of committing suicide. Maybe then it would end the painfulness I feel. Maybe then it would solve my problems partially. Or maybe it would stop people from questioning me. But there were all maybe’s and I know that it wasn’t the solution to my problem. I thought about my parents and how they would react if I exactly did that. Even if they blame me from causing a problem, I still knew that they would be devastated if I committed a sudden death. My parents, even when their angry I know that they still love me earnestly. And so as my sanity come back, I had decided that the time has come for me to rise up. What would my weeping do? How long will I sulk? How long will I stay on the corner and do nothing? The look of sadness and disappointments in my parents was something I could never forget. I’d crushed the dreams they had for me, so as my pride plummeted to the ground, broken and worn. If only things were different.

It’s been 3 years since the spiteful incident happen. Gone were the carefree and unconcern teenager. What’s left is a man who has matured and would take responsibility seriously.  I firmly believe that the maturity of a person is not measure by age but by its attitude built by experience. Now, as I gaze up in the heavens, I can’t help but shed in tears, tears not of pain but of joy. Up above is my friend and my confidante. I know I could always rely on Him. He was the very reason that I’d stood up once again. He gave me the strength and the courage. He was my all in all. I got no regrets over the things that happened. I’m just grateful that I made it through. It may have shattered our once peaceful existence but I know that it was only a test of time, more shall come. I’ve made a decision that for rest of my remaining years I would choose not to run away from my problems like a coward, that I would face my adversaries with a positive and brighter perspective. I’m not anymore alone. Ahead is my strong tower (Proverbs 18:10).