Frozen

Heartstorm

"Are you scared of the storm?"
"Yes"
"You know you're safe, here. The walls of our house are thick, they will protect us"
"Hold me and ask me again"
"Are you scared of the storm?"
"Not anymore"

• • •

Storms always scared the hell out of me since I was a kid. I would go on and on whining, crying, running back and forth across the hallway in my childhood's home; my parents words did little to sooth me. It took years and years to find my real refuge. It was not a building bounded with thick walls, it was Bette's arms. I haven't been scared of a storm since then. She herself was a storm. One of those brilliant, wonderful storms. She could overwhelm me with the force of her winds, caressing me when we made love. Creating ripples that soon became waves of pleasure. We went, we came, our souls parting before crashing against each other, again, when our eyes met in a fulfilling calmness once the whirlwinds of our passion ceased. I learnt to love that storm, in that storm I found my refuge.

A shelter I couldn't find any more when I looked in her eyes, now. I sat at the table, in the kitchen and the overwhelming feeling that crossed my body every time I was near her gave me everything but a soothing sensation and the fear came back. The fortress collapsed. I dropped the bomb that caused it to fall down. I started to panic as I heard the doors and windows slamming for the wind was too strong now it almost made the entire cabin rock. I stood up and ran toward my room.
In a matter of two seconds, I found myself hidden underneath a duvet, waiting for the end of it all. I didn't know if the noise I was hearing was my breath or the winds outside. I needed to calm myself if I didn't want to die like that. Dying because of a fucking snowstorm, how nice! I heard a loud noise. A thunder?
"Tina! What the hell happened?" Alice voice came through the closed door. I soon realized the noise was her fist banging against it.
"Storms scare me!" was my muffled reply.

"Oh, come on, honey! The walls of the cabin are thick, they'll protect us" she tried to reassure me. Poor woman, if she only knew how wrong those words sounded to me right now.
"That so doesn't sound right!" I whined.
"What the fuck is wrong with her?" I heard her whisper to someone else. Kit? Shane? I didn't really care.
"Baby girl, why don't ya come back in the kitchen? I'll make ya a cup of hot tea and you will forget all about the storm" Kit's sweet voice almost brought tears to my eyes, but I couldn't forget about the storm. I didn't even know which one scared me the most. The one outside or the one inside? I guess I'd go for the latter. At least, the first one could end. Bette was a constant presence in my life, and her calmness, her coldness was even more frightening. A shiver running along my spine was the result of the thought on how scary it could have been, the moment in which her winds happened to blow in their full force.

I don't remember how long it took but, at last, they managed to get me out of my 'temporary' hiding place using Angelica as an excuse. She was asking what was wrong with me and I rushed to her, poor baby she looked at me as I was out of my mind; and pretty much, I was. Screw me! I was making an ass out of myself, in front of everyone.
"You should take better care of your daughter," Bette said as I entered the kitchen. I don't know if it was due to my being anxious at the moment, but I was starting to hate her witty remarks.
I sat down and huffed, "I hate storms!"
"The cabin will protect you. The walls are thick" she said matter of factly, and how I hoped I could ask her to hold me, just like I used to do years ago. I wondered, for a second, if she was thinking about the same memory, hoping to see a glimpse of the warmth I was so used to feel. The doorway to the fortress barricaded the exact moment I walked out. The storm overwhelming me from the inside to the way out.

After my quasi-confrontation with Helena, we didn't speak to each other for the whole morning. Sitting across one another, I could see she wanted to talk to me. As a fish out of water, she kept opening and closing her mouth, without saying anything, each time ending with a long sigh. My friends, and Bette, quickly dematerialize as soon as breakfast was over. We were alone and I guess that was the right time to try to get over what happened that morning. What really happened I couldn't understand, actually.
"I'm sorry about this morning" she finally spoke earning a scoff from me.
"Are you two all lovey-dovey now?" I could feel the jealousy in the tone of my voice.
"It's not what it looks like"
"Well, I can easily say what it sounds like" I replied clearly talking about the sounds they made that morning.
She sighed, "It's just... complicated"
Silence.
She went on, "Tina, I saw a side of Bette that no one here saw. She's been in hell. That's how she acts when things get hard. I tried to talk her out of it but she just can't help it"
"Oh, so you just go and fuck her in the room next to mine?"
"She goes and fucks"
I frowned.
"It's not only with me, Tina. She has been living like this for the last six years she's been in New York. She finds a woman, she fucks her, she leaves her. She never, not even for a second, lets them touch her"
My eyes widened, "So, you let her use you? Or wait... maybe that's exactly what you want, right?! I know she can be really good at it!" I snapped. No, she couldn't be in love with her. That would mean there wasn't any hope left for me.
"One night," she started saying, ignoring my outburst, "we met in New York, after one of her exhibits and got really drunk. One thing led to another and we ended up in bed together. We didn't expect anything from one another; we did it to numb the pain. I was hurting because of Dylan, she was hurting because of you"
"So, you're fuck buddies, now?"
"Kind of"
"And you like it?"
"I can't say I don't, it would be a lie"