Frozen

The Grinch

My lungs were burning; what little air I had in them was forcefully coming out as I was coughing so hard it brought a slight flavor of blood that provoked in me a persistent urge to throw up. I spent the last moments yelling and crying out Angie's name, until I was left with my mouth agape, with no sound coming out – if I uttered one more word, I knew, my vocal chords were going to break. I could feel the cold blocking the air in my throat as I ran, trying to catch my breath. Exhausted, I walked along the little path that led to the river, after running everywhere from a tree to another. Finally, my legs failed me, and I found myself kneeling down helpless: I couldn't find her. My baby, my life, disappeared out of nowhere, and it was all my fault. I would have given anything to be able to turn back time and did things differently. Starting with the way I dealt with things when she was only six months. Bette would have been still here, and Angelica would have been with her other mother. A fucking hurricane... I destroyed everything.

The shiver that ran through my whole body made me realize only then that I wasn't wearing a coat. As if on cue, I felt someone approaching me from behind tossing me a scarf and my jacket.

"Here. Put these on" she said in her usual flat tone.

"What are you doing here?" my eyes not leaving the ground.

"The girls, especially Kit, said it's our fault, and we have to deal with the consequences... on our own"

I couldn't help the scoff, "How nice of them. I'm here looking for Angelica and the only thing they think of is whose fault it is" I said as I rolled my eyes.

"I have my phone with me. If we don't find her within thirty minutes I'm calling for help"

"I've been looking everywhere and she's nowhere to be seen! Why not call for help already?" I said frantically without stopping, this close to fainting for the lack of oxygen.

"Maybe if you actually looked for her, instead of yelling/" the nerve she had!

"Are you fucking serious? My baby is out there! Alone! It's fucking freezing/" I cut her off before she did the same.

"And we're going to find her... if you stop yelling. See? We're wasting time. I'm sure she's not far from here" That's how our 'conversation' ended.

She started walking while I was still sitting on my knees. She didn't even bother to help me get up... and who was I kidding? It was obvious by then that no encouragements were going to come from her; not for my sake at least. I quickly got up, almost falling face first onto the snow-covered ground, and sheepishly wore my coat and scarf. I thanked God for the temporary relief and followed her. She was a couple of feet ahead of me. She kept moving not even acknowledging me for the whole time. I don't know why, but I had to turn around and look at our footprints: they were following a completely different path and pattern. I stopped and meditated. We were indeed following a different path; it had been like that for six years. It was like we had no recalling of the way back. I stared at Bette's footprints and I noticed how they followed a very accurate and neat pattern. It was like a knitting work; every print was linked to the other one. A straight path. That's how she's always been: so sure of herself. Whenever she wanted something, she always would walk and take it. I wonder why she stopped fighting. Maybe she didn't want it anymore. Maybe she wanted to pursue her real dream and go straight to New York, and be able to live again. Little did I know she was walking straight to hell. Mine, on the other hand, traced a very confused path... just how I've been living, lately: in total confusion.

The cold wind hitting my face woke me from my reverie and I must have stood there for a while because Bette could be barely seen from where I stood. I sped up my steps and kept staring at her back while my mind drifted off to the old good times.

• • •

We were able to charm a whole room. There were no heads turned away from us each time we walked in. A special aura could be felt around the two of us, and people could sense it from ten meters away. Our souls walked along, following the same path; they lived for the other one's sake.

It was one of those big nights for Bette, it was the first time I got to accompany her to the opening of one of her shows as her girlfriend. She was looking stunning and I was the proudest woman on earth. I was Bette Porter's girlfriend and people around us seemed to be captured by what was unfolding in front of them. As we entered the room their stares were planted on us... especially on her.

"It's amazing" I said in awe.

"What?"

"You" I smiled, "This" then I added pointing to the crowd.

"It's you"

"What do you mean?"

"It's you they're looking at" she smirked.

"What? Come on" I giggled, "They're looking at you"

"Exactly" she said earning a frown from me, "Don't you see? This smile. This confidence... it's you. They're looking at your reflection on me"