Living with Fibromyalgia and being borderline personality disorder

A brief introduction

I remember having mental issues since I was 12 or since I can ever remember... I never knew what was going on with me.. was it depression I wondered..I remember cutting myself whenever I was hurt by someone.. that's how it started then it turned into an addiction at 12! I remember cutting around 50 cuts a day... it felt good .. felt pleasant.. ugh what was I thinking I said looking at my now scarred body..I've been clean for 5 months now at 21..and no if you are wondering it wasn't depression but that's a detailed story for some other time...

Hi, my name is not important but I am a 21 years old middle eastern girl. I have 3 siblings, 2 brothers and 1 sister... I am the eldest. I should be in university right now but life doesn't always go easy on us does it?! I was a very active 17 years old, I would always be at the gym letting out my depression and negative energy...suddenly, one day I started feeling weird pain all over my body... I ignored it as usual..denying it... but one day I came out from the swimming pool and went to have a shower but instead i fell down to the ground having semi paralysis.. for 15 minutes... a lot tried to help me up but from the knees down I felt nothing couldn't getup...at 17! I heard some of them say behind me.. I cried until finally I was able to get up.. went under the shower letting the warmth of the water fall onto my now naked aching body.. went back home with a severe depressive episode .. shocked but as usual told nobody instead I cut myself and cried myself to sleep.. next day on the dinning table i was trying to eat and i couldn't lift the spoon to my mouth .. what's going on i screamed with everyone staring at me thinking I am making it up...I went to bed shivering... what is going on I thought...later that night I was painting and then suddenly a sharp pain I've never felt before was all over my arm I screamed and ran to my mum and the next day we went to rheumatologist .. he said "the AC caused the pain" ... then day after day the pain spread all over my body .. I did some research going crazy as idk what's going on with me... finally I remember the 2 top results were "rheumatoid arthritis and Fibromyalgia" so we went back to the doctor and we tested for RA but it came back negative.. what is going on with me!!! Nobody knows ... weeks later we went to the ER because I was literally dying..the doctor said she has RA and even though it is negative this happens sometimes... I cried for 2 reasons.. 1 I now know what's wrong with me and 2 that finally my parents believe there's something wrong with me... I started having panic attacks decided I should see a psychiatrist to help .. my parents didn't approve but I went anyway he said "you have panic anxiety disorder and adult ADHD and severe clinical depression" ... I was in tears .. someone actually believes me! I didn't whether I should be happy or sad about the news... he gave me some pills and advised with psychotherapy but it was too expensive and our insurance was about to be taken away ... so that was the last of that while in Saudi Arabia.. few weeks went by we went to another doctor for my physical issues... I heard him telling my mum "she should never get upset her mentality is killing her and giving her severe pain" I cried and had a fight with mum .. just FYI my mum never laid her hands on me but that day she pulled me by the hair and threw me down to the floor and my dad threw away all my craft supplies that helped with my depression ... and I swore to leave this hellhole and go study in my country Egypt... not knowing that would be the worst choice of my life... but that's to be told another day... for now I was diagnosed with PAD and ADHD and Depression and RA... and that's just the beginning of the never ending roller coaster...that's called my life.

Xoxo, thanks for reading please follow me for more.
R.