Enter Mary-Jane: The Diary Entries

November 1st: I Found You!

Sunday, November 1st: 12:30 pm

Diary,

I found you for the first time in over eight months. You were covered in dust beneath my bed.

Its strange how after all this time, I still refer to you as, well, "you".

Things are so different now, diary. Gayle had a baby two months ago. A little boy she named Timothy (after his father). I visited them in Pittsburgh last month. It took me three month's worth of tips from waitressing to buy a Greyhound ticket to see them.

I shouldn't have done it.

Sure, it was great to see Gayle again but what I saw in her husband's eyes frightened me… Over dinner, Gayle announced that she was pregnant again. The look I saw in her husband's eyes made me sick to my stomach. There was a trapped look in his eyes. The sort of saddening look that a caged bird has in its eyes as it beats against its cage. The sort of look my father always had in his bloodshot eyes.

Even though I was still sort of angry with her, I wanted nothing more than to grab her and my nephew and drag them away from that place. Gayle assured me that their marriage was doing fine and I only hope she was telling the truth.

Mom is really sick. She refuses to eat. The doctors say for the most part, she's fine physically but mentally, it's like the life has been sucked right out of her. She doesn't talk anymore. She lays in bed all day, deep purple bags beneath her eyes and a blank look in her graying eyes. She's the reason I had to get a job at the Corner Diner. It doesn't pay much but if I work long hours I can make enough to pay Uncle Brown the rent that she normally would have paid him.

I don't hate her like I hate my father but I do resent her. Maybe I'm selfish... I feel like she's trying to steal my childhood from me; Like she's always been trying to steal my childhood from me. God, I sound so selfish but if she would just get out of bed! Force some food down her throat! She would get better, I know she would! And I could be doing the things that normal teenagers do!

I can still remember writing my last diary entry. I was sitting Indian-style on the floor of my bedroom, right where I'm sitting now. I was furious with Gwen and my mother for the whole situation. I felt so betrayed. I remember writing, "How could she be so Goddamn heartless to leave me here, alone." And then throwing you.

I didn't look where I threw you. All I heard was a thump as you landed on the wood floor and then the sound of you skidding across it. You ended up beneath my bed and I only just now found you.

The truth is… I only found you because I'm packing all of my stuff up. I'm moving out of Uncle Brown's. For the last four months, I've tried to work my ass off to pay him rent but I can't do it anymore. Aunt Anna said that her door was always open for me but I didn't want to burden her. It seems though that I'm going to have to do just that. I can't continue to work like I've been working, diary. I fall asleep in class everyday. Teachers and students alike, think its because I've been partying too hard. The truth of it is, I've been WORKING too hard. I thank my lucky stars that none of my classmates have walked into the diner while I was waitressing so I can keep up this "party-girl" façade.

No one knows what's happening at home, diary. It's just how it's always been; Watsons don't "air out their dirty laundry" (as mom would say).

I was voted "Party Animal" by the junior class. It's funny because I don't even party anymore. I have a job now and don't have time for it. I've had to give up things just to make enough money for rent and groceries and occasionally, clothes for me. Clothes. That's just something I'm not willing to sacrifice.

There are some days where I come home from work and I nearly cry over how much I hate her. Eventually I calm down and I tell myself that I don't hate her. I only resent her and even though I may resent her, I can't give up on her. She's still family and she's the only family who hasn't run away from me.

I'm now a Sophomore at Midtown High. I'll be a Junior next August. I don't see college in my future because frankly, I don't need it to be an actress. I might have had to give up everything else in my life but I will never give up my dream.

Mom gave up her dream for love but we've seen where that got her. You better believe I'm not gonna make that mistake.

Things will get better. I just have to keep on smiling, keep on laughing and good things will happen. Just gotta keep telling myself that.

Oooh, diary… I'm so glad I found you. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders just from writing all this shit down.