November

1 (Prologue)

"...sweetest things. I wish I knew how to express myself like..."

"Mam Rean! Tawag ka po ni mommy mo. Something important daw."

When I heard the word 'mommy' I immediately stand up. Manang is still standing there, smiling.

I'm not really in the mood right now but I manage to smile back at her, halfheartedly.

"Mam, bakit parang wala sa mood ang mommy mo?"

"Dahil siguro sa pagod manang." I answered simply. Ayoko nang humaba pa ang usapan namin tungkol sa kanya.

Nauna na 'kong bumaba at naabutan ko siya na nakaupo sa isang kitchen stool. Her favorite spot feat her wine glass with red wine.

I am now beside her and she still doesn't notice me. Lumingon lang siya sa'kin nang tinawag ko siya.

"November..."

I flinched and closed my eyes as tightly as I can. Ito yung way ko para mawala kahit papano yung galit at sakit na nararamdaman ko.

I can't shout. I don't want to. She's my mom.

"I told you, my name's Rean." Nagpipigil na sabi ko.

"I heard you didn't attend your session last week." Pag-iiba niya ng usapan.

"Mom, I already told you I'm fine. Hindi ko na kailangang ituloy yung session na yun. I can handle myself. Isa pa, it's a waste of time." I explained trying to prove my point.

I never wanted to attend those sessions. I'd rather be in the coffee shop with Henry.

"You're wasting my money." Kaswal na sabi niya habang nakatitig sa kawalan.

"Did I tell you to waste your money on me?" I can't hold it now.

Tinignan niya 'ko ng masama.

Kinalma ko ang sarili ko at humingi ng pasensya.

"I'm sorry, I just..." can't find my words.

Hindi niya ko tinignan. Tumayo na siya at naglakad papunta sa kwarto nila.

Did we really have to be like this every day? It's tiring.

Naglakad na rin ako patungo sa kwarto. Pero bago 'yon ay sumilip muna ako sa kwarto nila mommy. Nakaawang ang pinto kaya kahit papaano ay nakikita ko siya.

Hawak niya ang isang framed picture na nakalagay sa bedside table nila.

Suddenly, her tears began to fall.

I can't see her like this.

Nagmadali akong pumasok sa kwarto at nilibang ang sarili. Pero kada galaw ko ay naiisip ko si mommy.

Nakita ko siyang ganon pero hindi ko man lang kinomfort? The guilt is eating me up.

Tumayo ako at pumunta ulit sa tapat ng pinto nila. Sumilip ulit ako.

Umiiyak pa rin siya, but this time, kinocomfort na siya ni daddy.

Ni hindi ko man lang naramdaman ang pagdating niya.

But nevertheless, I feel relieved. Thank you, dad.

Pumasok na ulit ako sa kwarto at dumiretso sa kama para humiga.

Nakakapagod.

Nakakapagod mag-isip.

Nakakapagod makipag-argumento.

Nakakapagod na paulit-ulit na lang gan'to.

Nakakapagod lahat.

Ang tagal na nung makaramdam ako ng kapayapaan sa sarili ko.

I wanna feel it again. I wanna feel alive again.

Ever since he left me, he took away my life from me.

And I miss my life as much I miss him.

I always wish I could turn back the time.

Yung hindi man perpekto pero masayang mga araw. Kahit yun lang.

Pero alam ko na hindi ko yun kayang gawin at hinding hindi na 'yon mangyayari.

Because I know na you left, for good.

And I hate you for doing it to me. To us.

I miss you so much, Dean.

We miss you so much, my twin.

➸