PAPER HEARTS

19

I reach forward, almost as if on an impulse, my fingers grab his wrist and I squeeze my skin around his. His eyes fall on my hand, his jawline thickens and I sniffle a cold breath of air, as more tears begin to slide down my face. But this isn't about me - God, I abhor skinning my feelings out in front of him, loathe the feeling of detachment wallowing in the pit of my stomach whenever he is with me.

This is about Taehyung. Taehyung, his feelings, and my lack of considering for his words.

And just how I've always turned a blind eye to the way he would want things to go, by looking at things only at my perspective.

"I'm sorry," I sob, stepping closer to him. "I'm sorry that I never paid close attention, I'm sorry for being so pathetic - I tried, I tried to understand, but -"

It's raining over the pale grey of the pavement that we're stood over, its depths stretching into the blossoming darkness of the night. I'm drenched, my hair falling all over my face, and so is he. Taehyung's sweet smell looms in the air around me, and I feel my grip slackening around his cold hand.

I wait for his clasp to replace my touch on his skin - not through my fingers, but with the gentle wrap of his arms around me. I almost expect his chin to rest against the top of my head as he solaced me with the warmth in his heart pulsing over mine.

But everything I visioned, seems too far away, latched amongst the constellations against a clouded sky.

Taehyung snatches his hand away, taking a few steps further away from me, and I watch him do so with burning eyes.

"Look at yourself." He snarls furiously, and I shudder at the hollow tone of his voice, "Do you see yourself now, Jaehwa? You tell me to stay away, you tell me that you don't need someone like me in your life. And your reason? You tell me that you're better off alone because you have a boyfriend."

I wince at his words, each of them slicing through my already bleeding wounds. I cast my eyes to the flooded ground, hiccups beginning to leave my throat as he minces away.

"You come up with so many claims - this, that, the way you make things seem like nothing is your fault and how everyone else needs to take responsibility for your actions, and I," he pauses to let an assertive laugh echo down the alley,

"I - stupid fucking me, can't even get a word across because you're a queen, and I'm nowhere near your standards. You only need Minjun to leech off of -"

"You think that I'm the one at fault?" My voice begins to shake and my knuckles begin to sting from having fisted my hands too tightly, " You think I'm doing all of this because I want to? Because I want to gain attention? To have everyone gathered around me, and pity me? Take a look around you Tae, look at me. Do you think I can so easily suck Minjun's money out of him, without having done nothing in return?"

I whimper, holding a hand against my lips as my entire body begins to tremble, "You don't know me. You don't know the countless nights I'd spent, after being completely ravaged like a sex toy. You don't know just how I was only a broken girl who wanted her mother's arms around her withered body - you don't know just how many times I've tried to undo this, try and fix myself - make myself look more acceptable. Why? just because I loved someone? Do you know how lonely it feels to know that you are the only one that can protect the respect you have for yourself? To know that no one cares? Can't you see?"

"No." Taehyung steps forward, his breath minty and warm as he towers over me, "I don't. I don't understand the purpose behind it all, because love doesn't need you to change yourself.  He clearly doesn't love you enough if you're bent on changing yourself for him. Your feelings aren't anywhere near to being madly infatuated with someone if you only want them for their looks -"