Upside down

Anger-Red

When I think of the color red it isn't just a color to me.. It has a deeper meaning like fire and range, sweaty palms and clenched fists, hot tears and angry screams. I could list many other emotions that some up the color red. Red is impulsive. Red is how I desribe anger. It's a mixture of emotions that churn inside me that boil like hot water and burst into a hundred flames the second something triggers me. I can't control when I feel "red" it's an impulsive disclosure that can't be solved or trained. That my friend is how feelings are when your bipolar. Nothing is controlable. Feelings are vibrant like colors and can be visual and come alive. It's like a dramatized roller coaster that seizes and captures every ounce of your body. Or at least that's how it is for me.. Red is my most frequent "color". That's why half the people I know find me a condescending bitch. Am I? Absolutely. Do I try to be? No.. It's just my first and for most reaction when it comes to conversing. "If they want to fight I'll fight them." "I'm not afraid." Etc. My mom says I have anger issues. No shit Sherlock, I know. I can't help it or control myself. Therapy won't help the way I feel. I can't be contained like a caged animal. I'm offensive and dangerous. Red is the only thing that I felt from the time frame after I came home from the hospital. Flames engulfed my body and hot tears streamed down my face. I repeatedly punched my pillow ranging,screaming,crying. All I thought was why did he die? Why did he leave me? Why didn't he say goodbye? I hate him.. My heart was on fire and my face was a hot chili pepper. My door was locked and I was surrounded by my normal surroundings in my room. Silence. Range. Hatred. You see this is red. A pretty color, but a dangerous feeling.