Upside down

Numb-White

After hours of raging and moping around I gazed at my clock that read 10:30 a.m. with a loud huff I rolled on my side, and curled in a ball of sorrow. I started to stare at my wall with my eyes wide and my stare blank. I analyzed my wall. The solid grey wall beamed by the decorations applied on it's surface. Fairy lights laced the border of the wall, along with Polaroids lined up perfectly along the string of lights. The pictures seemed to taunt me. Smiling pictures of me and Max stared at me and burned holes in my heart. Happy days at the lake when we were younger, pictures when we had a paint fight, or when we ate ice cream while watching the sunset. I couldn't look at the wall anymore. I want the happy Skylar back the girl who viewed the world better, the girl who had Max, the girl who had dreams, not this soulless empty body that takes meds and cries in her bedroom. I want that Skylar back. I feel blank, empty, like a blank canvas with a painter with no ideas left to fill the canvas, a crumpled piece of paper. I feel numb. I feel numb often, but today is the worst. I could describe this feeling as white a blank color that has no vibrant meaning. Just blank. I just wish I could be young again. I wish I didn't know how hard high school was or life in general. I understand responsibility, but I don't get why I have to force myself to wake up everyday. It's harder now that Max is gone.. I don't want to pity myself.. I try to be strong it's just so hard. Nothing helps. I try to smile I try to laugh I try to feel alive. I just feel empty. Tears gleamed in my eyes and my thoughts deepened. I turned around and slumped upwards. I read the time once again hoping it was later. The time read 10:45 a.m. Great. I forced every ounce of my body to trudge out of my room and head to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror to see my eyes red and puffy with a dark sloppy line of smeared mascara under my eyelids, my hair matted in a scruffy bun, and crusted snot surrounding my nose. My appearance was as attractive as the emotions I was feeling. I dragged myself to take a shower, as hot water streamed down my back I continued to sob. Everything built me up to this point, I didn't feel just numb, or angry, but uncontrollably sad. I lied on the cold tiles of my shower as I stared at the shower head blankly. Come on sky you're stronger than this.. I thought to myself but it just felt like my soul was gone and I was just alive.