Abandoned Hotel, a Randy stories

Chapter 47, Feeling alive

Rye's pov

I was running through the forest with my headphones in. All I heard was my music and the sound of my feet hitting the ground as I run. My breath controlled and my gaze at the path in front of me. I needed to clear my head, the last few days were... interesting you can say at least. Running helps me to keep my mind off things, and I needed nothing more then that. I didn't want to think about Andy or Emma or anybody. Just me in the forest with my music.

I came on a small path and an older couple appeared in front of me. I stopped running and let them pass. The women was supporting her what I think was her husband. The women gave me a sweet smile, and I smiled back. Her eyes were ice blue and beamed out happiness. Her face was wrinkled, but when she smiled I saw that those wrinkles must have come from laughing so much. You could see that she had been through some things, but was very strong and positive minded. She reminded me of someone. Someone who I did not want to think about, but couldn't help to do so.

Andrew Fowler. My band mate. My best mate. God Andy, what did you fuck me up the last couple off months. I shook my head and picked up my speed again. I didn't noticed that I had forgotten to put my headphones back in after pulling them out to say hi to the older couple. Without my music my mind started to drift off.

It drifted off to the fight Andy and I had. I remembered how angry I was at Andy and just couldn't understand why he would do such a thing. But then he declared his love to me, and something inside me just... broke... I couldn't stand hating him, I couldn't stand living a lie, I couldn't stand being this person who I have turned to anymore. I remembered how weak I felt. So empty. Not knowing what to do and where to go to from this place I have found myself in. Laying on Andy's stomach, hearing his heartbeat, his smell in my nose, making me realise that it was time. Time to give up. Time to stand up for myself and get  rid of the fear that was hunting me. I was so mad at myself that I have letting it come so far. I got up and left to go to my room. When I was in my room I just broke down crying again against my wall. Shaking and shivering. Thinking about the words my mum told me during Christmas. Ow God Christmas! I was so happy to be with Andy. Andy made me more happy then I could ever have imagined. Why did it end? Because I was scared. Scared of my friends, Blair, Roadies, my parents.... Myself. That weird feeling in my stomach was because I was scared of myself. What if I couldn't take it? The hate? The comments? The looks? What if being with Andy was not the thing I wanted? I will hurt him.
I remembered what Andy said:

"I- I'm scared too. I'm so scared for the reactions from my family and don't even let me get started about Blair! But the thing is... I was ready for it. I wanted you so bad. I wanted to be happy with the person I loved, and I couldn't care less about what people thought about it. It's my life, not theirs. And I wanted to live it like this, with you."

He was right. He's always right. It's my life. And... I- I want to spent it with Andy. I got up and walked to the mirror. I wiped my eyes with my sleeve and took an confident pose. I took a deep breath:

"I am Ryan Beaumont. I am bisexual and in love with Andy Fowler."

Tears started to fall again. That was it. That was the moment I finally realised who I was and what I wanted. That was my coming out to myself. My tears became happy tears. I did it! I KNOW WHO I AM!

I stopped walking and leaned against a tree with my hand.
That it took me so damn long to find out what I wanted, while I knew it al along. I started to think about Emma. She took it surprisingly well. I was shocked that Andy was in her house as I came out to her. We talked things out, just her and me. We are ok now. Not friends, but we don't hate each other. On the contrary, I still lover her! But not in the same way...
Andy went with her to the abortion clinic yesterday. Emma is pretty sick from it so she's at home. I thought it was an nice gesture of Andy, and I'm glad Emma saw it the same way. They teased me by showing me pictures of the embryo and saying they are cheating on me with each other now. Andy and Emma got along pretty well and I'm happy that they seem ever closer knowing that they both got screwed up by me.