Yours Sincerely, Clumsy

How I Spill My Coffee

I am a naturally clumsy person. As hard as it is to believe, I not only trip on air as casually as a stalker scrolling through an Insta account but I choke on air as well. I high-five all the tables, chairs, baby carriages in a metre radius, and kiss the ground with my butt a lot more times than I would care to admit within five seconds of arrival.

The problem is not with me. It is with my environment. They want to be one with me. And I aspire to not let them down. Clumsy is code for The Chosen One.

Onto the present.

Imagine a cafeteria packed with the all-inclusive diversity of a typical mayonnaise jar. Imagine there is a clique in the middle, popular, yes, but not unapproachable, and with a minimum of two morons from among the jocks. Imagine that at this particular table, there is a heated argument going on, about the most interesting duo of creatures from them all.

Caterpillars and unicorns.

"But think," Amanda insists with a clenched fist around her apple, brown curls looking on from tanned shoulders, "if a caterpillar were to not be in a cocoon but a walnut, and everytime you crack one it hits puberty and goes through the pains of being awkward and moody and becomes a butterfly when it wraps itself around a specific leaf from the tree it came from."

Cue a pained sigh from her best friend.

"Amanda, you cannot change their life pattern. Stop overthinking Lepidoptera domination. Let the moths and butterflies be."

"But the possibilities!"

"I'm thinking that unicorns have gender specified by the point of their horns," comes the second argument from my left, between a party of six. "Sharp points indicate female intelligence and wits, while blunt ones represent male inferiority and lack of complexity. I believe that it is the females who work hard to bring about change in their kingdom." Jenifer has the salad in front of her serving as motivation - she only gets worked up if it's to avoid the cold truth that she's on a self-imposed diet.

"But without males, hunters would lure the females and trick them into giving up their horns. I'm thinking that they keep their intelligence hidden so as to avoid confrontation with humans," Alex pipes in, scooping up a generous amount of mush into his mouth. The cafeteria ladies swear on their cooking utensils that what they serve is genuine food but let me tell you, I've caught my goop of food moving twice over the course of two months. The third time it moves, I'll have it on camera.

So, a clique arguing over trivial creatures, me smack in the middle, the school shoved into this suffocating place of a cafeteria. What do I do?

I will tell, in great poetic detail, what I did, starting a mere second after Alex's generous opinion on male stupidity.

I get up, lifting the styrofoam cup with steaming black coffee and carelessly taking the straw up in the other hand, ready to leave to meet up with my other friends.

I turn, opening the lid on the cup with the maturity of a four-year-old because it doesn't hurt to check if I ordered purple goop instead of dark goop.

I slam, spilling the contents onto a well-defined chest of someone tall, liquid plip-plopping onto the floor as the coffee spills.

Good news - like I described eloquently, well-defined chest means that the impact pains me more than it does him.

Bad news - said chest is covered with soft fabric that has a tiny Versace logo neatly tucked there, looking all proud and arrogant and letting me understand that I currently do not have the money to pay this guy back, ever.

Current news - said T-shirt has handed the reins of the situation to its owner with a smug mien fabric shouldn't be able to muster.

I cautiously let my eyes go up in a pathetic attempt at postponement, cup crushed and on the floor, coffee that would've been mine smouldering an already hot guy I had no idea existed till now.

The world around me is silent.

I hope my funeral has pink roses and they play Enrique Iglesias as they lower my MLP-themed coffin to the sea, for my remains will be too gruesome for the earth.