The End

one

The sun was barely beyond the shoreline, the ocean cast in an orange hue. The view was expansive, only ending in the barely visible shore on either side of me. In front, it went further than any human eyes could understand.

Standing on the cliff, the rest of the world fell away. On this small clearing, there was little more than myself, trees and water. Any evidence of civilisation was well hidden by the forest flanking me, any noise overpowered by the roaring of the waves beneath me.

Unfortunately, the main revenue this small town has ever had has been tourism. In the summer we could double our population with people from all over the world wanting to see our forest-lined beaches. The town would go for somewhere unfamiliar with traffic to somewhere overrun with people. Perhaps growing up here has made me jaded, but I have never seen the allure. It was nothing more than one of the thousands of places that an ocean ended.

The water was murky, and the beaches are covered in rocks that somehow still manages to stick to you like sand. The beach line itself was only short, meaning that it was constantly overcrowded, even in the dead of winter. Yet, despite the average nature of the beach, everyone from surfers to the average traveller aimed to visit.

I was standing just within the last line of trees before the small clearing. My plan caused no hesitation within me, but the idea of onlookers did. With the small bench and table in the middle of the clearing, it wasn't an uncommon spot for couples to watch the sunrise.

But for once I didn't just feel alone; I really was.

I took a slow step forward from the cover of the trees and the wind bit at my bare arms, my feet stepping off the concrete path and onto the grass, too long and too green. I continued to step warily towards the furthest point of the cliff, enjoying the fresh air and the coolness in my lungs.

I wore an old sleep shirt, a gift from my aunt that she claimed I would grow into, and while it is closer to fitting than it once was, I am a short girl, not an XL man like the shirt was intended for. The loose fabric whipped around my knees, threatening to flow up and expose my too-small shorts underneath.

I peered below me, watching how high the spray from the crashing waves came. The ocean sat not far below me, but far enough that even with the high tide the salt spray didn't hit me.

Last summer a few tourists tried to use this point as a launching spot for their swim. It didn't work well for them.

It would be perfect for me.

The water below me crashed against the hard rock with a fury. The water moulded itself against the rock, trying to pull it away but the rock held strong. The water fell back, blending in with the rest before attempting to carve it away again, and again.

I don't know how long I watched the unrelenting waves change and reform. My mind was as quiet as the town behind me, my thoughts solely resting on the angry waters.

I didn't think about what was under those waves. I didn't let myself consider whether hitting the water would be enough to end me, or if it would take being swept against those rocks. I didn't let myself consider where my body would be found - if it were found.

I didn't let myself consider how my family would find out.

I didn't write any letters for my family. Not because I didn't want to, but because the idea didn't occur to me. This had been a loose thought in my mind for what feels like years, but I did not plan on it being today.

I woke up this morning and I knew. I felt no reason to get up today, or the next day or the day after that. I felt no reason to continue. My last shred of passion that kept me alive this long seemed to evaporate while I slept, leaving absolutely nothing behind.

I know no one would be surprised. It's been clear for years now that I was done with life. I didn't have anything I wanted to achieve, nothing left to keep pushing for. My pain was unrelenting, all it did was cause my family to hurt along with me and they didn't deserve that.

They will hurt for a while, but they will recover. Far better than the drawn-out pain of me fighting the inevitable.

And thats how I saw this ending - inevitable. I've never been able to imagine myself growing old, or even reaching my 30's. To be completely honest, each day I've woken up past the age of 19 has been a surprise.

By the time I had broken my trance on the undulating waters, the sun was golden on my face, wiping away the bite of the morning air and replacing it with a warmth that heated my bones. I inched forward, covering the small amount of earth left in front of me, the constant sound of the water coupled with the falling rocks that gave out under my weight didn't cover up the sound of my rapidly beating heart.

I didn't know if my heart was going into over drive due to fear or excitement, but either way the adrenaline was carrying me through.

I closed my eyes, feeling the warm sun on my face. It would be a suffocatingly hot day today, the air already feeling thick with the heat. The beach will be crowded, surfers coating the water like a weed.

I could smell the ocean salt in the air, clearing my mind and my airways. I could taste the salt in the air, drying out my mouth and igniting my desire for freshwater.

And with a deep, salty breath in, I took my last step forward.

My heart threw itself into my throat as the earth seemed to slip from beneath me. The waves screamed louder, and louder as I fell.

I had dreamt of this fall for longer than I would even admit to my therapist. With my eyes closed, my hair and shirt whipping all about, I felt completely at peace.

The mere second's long fall felt like an eternity, time becoming little more than a construct. Forcing my eyes open against the harsh air my perception was wiped away by the wind burning my cheeks, replacing the once dull water with something almost crystalline. I had never seen anything more beautiful.

The local clock tower chimed as the bustle of the town reached my ears. I heard the cars racing through town, trying to make it to work on time. I heard a group of surfers arrive to the beach, laughing over their over sleep and their regret at not seeing the sun rise over the waves.

They were all oblivious to me.

I turned my head down towards the rapidly approaching water. The spraying salt water stung my eyes, blurring the world surrounding me.

How had I never noticed how beautiful it was? In these few moments I had truly learnt how something could look stunning. How the mere sight of something could take your breath away.

How had I never noticed that it was all in my head?

I thought the world was little more than darkness, yet it is clear that the darkness was in the shadow of me. All the worthlessness of myself and the world around me, was spun by my own eyes, hiding the beautiful truth.

And now, I will never live that truth.

I opened my mouth to scream, my last hope that perhaps they could find me quickly. Instead, my toes broke the surface of the water and the scream was replaced with water as I was swept away into the cold darkness.