Never Far Apart

Memories and Honey Walnut Shrimp

Saturday was my day off. After working a double and then working all last night, I needed a good days rest. I got after getting the word that my patient made it out of surgery well,
I slept until 7:49 PM the next day. Finally giving myself a talk to get up I did. I cleaned up my house and ordered dinner. Watched my favorite old time show Walker Texas Ranger. It's always been my favorite show since I was a kid and reminded me of home. I washed my scrubs for the next week. Work was all I had left.
My dad was gone and it was just me now. Being a single father, he never asked for help raising a baby girl. I can't remember how many times I went to school with a lop sided pony tail. I remember how nervous he was taking me to shop for my first bra. I swear he almost threw up that day from his nerves. To me he was the sweetest man I ever knew. He loved me unconditionally and put me before himself. But to others he was this big, strong and scary looking man that could break you in two if he wanted.
He threatened my senior prom date so bad, I didn't even get a goodnight kiss even though me and him had be dating since our junior year.
In all my years of being alive I'd only seen that big, strong man cry three times. When I graduated High School and when I got accepted into nursing school. The last time I saw him cry was when he told me he had Cancer. Adenocarcinoma, lung cancer. He only cried because I broke down. He was my everything and he was my life. But I knew he wouldn't be around forever. Thankfully he wasn't the wasn't the father that told me he was never going to die. He always told me on road trips,  "Don't go to sleep I won't be around forever you need to learn how to do stuff on your own".
To this day, I thank him for teaching me everything. He taught me everything from how to fight, to how to change my oil in my car, and everything in between. When he got cancer, I was in my junior year of nursing school. I wanted to drop out and take care of him but he told me "I told you I wouldn't be around forever, you need to do this for your own future. I got to see my future grow up. Now look at you almost done. Don't give up cause of me. I'll always be there for my baby girl."
He was so stubborn, I guess I got that from him too. I went through a horrible phase when he died my senior year of nursing school. I cut my long black hair to half it's length. Dyed it red and got a lip piercing. I wanted everything he loved about me gone. He loved my long hair and never let me cut it. I had to practically beg him to let me put highlights in it my ninth grade year. Then I got a lip piercing. He always teased me about my lips. They weren't huge but they were plump. I don't know why he always clowned me about them. But he never missed a beat when I kissed him on the cheek to mess with me. I made sure that when I had a bright lipstick on, to leave a big kiss mark on his cheek. He always got mad but it was my revenge. I guess I thought cutting my hair, dying it, and getting my lip pierced, would somehow make me move on. He loved all these things about me and I guess, I figured if I got rid of them, I would stop seeing and hearing  him every time I looked in the mirror. With all the things he loved about me gone, it would make me accept that, so was he. Watching my whole world waste away to nothing was the death inside of me. When he stopped responding to the medicines and the doctor told me he only had a couple weeks left, I spend every second with him. He slept most of the time. I used those times to tell him how I'd be okay. How I could take care of myself. How he could let go. Fifteen days later at 6:59am he was gone. I screamed, I punched my cousin in the chest when he tried to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay, and I ran. I needed space. I got all my fathers arrangements together and three days later I was burring him. There was at least two hundred people there, but I never looked back. I kept my eyes on him. His black combed over hair. His long lashes. His mole beside his nose. His salt and pepper mustache. His favorite church shirt. His calloused hands that I loved to hold and the ones that held me through everything. To this day I can still feel those calloused hands and can feel every line and wrinkle. After the funeral, I got myself together and put my head down and finished nursing school top of my class. When graduation day came, looking into the crowd and seeing my family I couldn't help but shed a tear when I couldn't see the one person I wanted there most wasn't there. I decided then and there as I exited the stage that there was nothing left for me in Texas. I sold our house and cars and cashed his life insurance check and decided to move to New York. Three years later here I am sitting in my apartment with an empty box of honey walnut shrimp. I wiped a tear from my eye and went to my room and went down to the last drawer in my dresser and pulled out a pair of grey sweat pants and a grey t-shirt with a pocket on the breast and a hole on the corner of the pocket. I pulled them up to my face and squeezed them. I wore my dads clothes when I missed him or I was having a day. I went to the shower and took a shower and tried to get myself together for work in the morning. Got out and grabbed my dads clothes. Got dresses and brushed my hair and went to bed. I took my phone and scrolled to my videos and found the one I was looking for. It was a black screen but it was a voicemail my dad left me on an old phone. I pushed play and placed the phone by my head "Whatever that monkey said I can't understand him but, anyways, I just called to tell you I'm on my way home, everything's doing good, okay. I love you mamacita. God bless you. Bye." I smiled and pressed play again. Hearing his voice always made me feel safe like he was right beside me. I closed my phone and put it on the charger on my night stand and set my alarm for the morning. I closed my eyes and pictured my dad. I miss you so much daddy.