The what if's

Love or Lust?

You know them nights where you sleep peacefully alone not having to worry about your boyfriend cheating? Being single and not having to stay committed to just one person? Having to go out at night and just enjoy being young, dumb, reckless, and single? But then you start to wonder at night what's it's like to be in a fully committed relationship with one person. Knowing he'll be there for you when things get difficult, or to be there to pick up your crown once it fall.
What if the man we created in our minds was a real person? What if he will love you for you when your sick, no makeup on , and having an a brutal day . What if he got you like he says he got you and put you before anything else? What if he tells you he loves you and remind you everyday how beautiful you are and how lucky he is to be with you . What if he was had spoiled you and given you the world? What if he mean't his promises and kept them til the day he die? What if he didn't even look at another female the way he looks at you, admiring you for you . It's everything you'd dream of right? Knowing he's putting his all into just you .
   But what if he starts lying to you just to protect you from what you don't wanna hear? You don't wanna think it's true but it's as true as death. What if he starts hiding his phone or quickly declining his calls ?What if he start ignoring you for hours just to text someone else or even be laid up with another female ? What if he doesn't appreciate you enough anymore ?What if he don't call you "mamas" or "babygirl?" What if he treats you completely different ? What if you've mistaken lust for love?
   Then you start to wonder was it really worth going through all the pain and ache for someone who isn't trying and putting in as much effort like you are? Was it really worth trading in your freedom for a commitment he wasn't even sure of?
    As you start to realize he isn't giving you as much attention as he once was before you start calling his phone, blowing him up, only to get called crazy . He calls you crazy for calling him out , but he made those promises and he promised you  he won't break those promises . You begin to feel hurt and decide to investigate and come to find out he's been lying to you . He would rather choose someone who was never in it for the whole ride over you . It hurts doesn't it ?
   You begin to think what if he breaks up with me? Is he worth it ? Did he lie to me the whole time? When you said "I love you," did it have any meaning at all or was that a lie. You begin to get the thoughts of the what if this happens .
     What if he only loved me for my body? What if he only liked the attention and how sprung I was on him? What if he loved me but got tired of me? What if I wasn't his girlfriend and he was playing me?
     You begin to ask yourself did you really love him? Knowing those feeling were real but still questioning it. Was the feeling not mutual? Did he or did he not mean every word?
Your insecurities start to tense , you begin to feel the anger built up , and start to go in depressed mode . You hear your phone dinging and you just ignore it staring at the ceiling trying to figure out why? You start hearing your phone ding and suddenly you feel the need to pick it up to see who's texting , just to find out it's him. Five missed calls, and a whole bunch of text messages asking if you're okay .You wanna tell him how you feel but you reply back with a simple "I'm fine ."
He begin to call you and you decide not to answer it because you don't want him to hear how hurt you're . You begin texting him but then he give you a paragraph, talking about how different you're acting . You wanna text him what you've found out but only reply with a simple "k." He starts getting aggravated and calls you out, things you never expected from him . So you begin to feel your eyes water up , the person who you thought loved you are now hurting you.