Moss and the Irishman - IT Crowd

Two Segments Of Kissing

The calmingly rhythmic sound of my own white sneakers hitting the tiles as I bounced my way from the elevator to my office alerted the rest of my team of my whereabouts.

My team, of course, consisted of my best friend in the whole world, Roy (who some refer to as an a-hole, but I prefer misunderstood), and the pathological liar, yet somehow 'relationship manager', Jen.

As I approached the office, an argument between, ironically, the relationship manager and my best friend seemed to come to an abrupt halt. I stood patiently at the door between the elevator to our basement and my shared office with Roy, as the two turned around and gave me a fake smile.

"Welcome back to the office, Maurice," Roy gestured towards me and seemingly did his best to act calm.

On most people, I wouldn't recognise the sudden change in demeanour, but as I've spent about the past ten years talking to Roy and only Roy, I not only noticed that, but the fact that, for whatever reason, his hair was straight today.

"Thank you," I figured receiving a welcome was well deserved as I did tend to do a lot of the work, so I shrugged it off and continued with my usual daily rituals.

"Hello, Jen!" I smiled innocently as I removed my coat and backpack.

"Moss," her voice was inquisitive as she shuffled her way over to me, causing Roy to groan from where he was now slouching at his desk.

"Yes?" I smiled up at her after quickly logging into my computer.

"Do you notice anything different about me today?" My boss perched herself atop my desk and seemingly tried to sit up so straight, she would break her back.

I wracked my brain for about ten seconds whilst looking her up and down, and all I could come up with was;

"Well, you are sitting in a rather odd position. Are you sure that's comfortable? I could refer you to a good chiropractor if you need one," I leaned my arms on the desk and shrugged slightly.

Jen began to sit normally again before nodding her head to Roy, "Notice anything different about roy, then?"

I felt my smile grow slightly as I swivelled my chair to fixate on Roy. That I did know!

"Roy's hair has been straightened," I looked back at Jen, my teeth showing, awaiting approval.

"See!" Jen yelled accusingly and pointed at Roy and I, "You two never focus on me or notice anything about me!"

Roy rolled his eyes in protest, "Moss and I have just known each other for longer, of course we notice you!"

I shrugged and nodded along with Roy's explanation. I was convinced Roy would be my best buddy forever, and you must back your best buds.

"How long have you guys known each other for?" Jen raised an eyebrow.

"Around ten years," I replied.

"And you two, in that long, have only made out once?" She laughed a little as Roy's facial expression dropped.

"Well, it was one lot of kissing, over what I would call two segments, so I suppose it depends-" My thorough explanation was cut off boy Roy's, unfairly, annoyed voice.

"You told her about that!?" Roy's voice raised in a way that frightened me and he flailed his arms in confusion and annoyance.

"Well, yes-" I took a second to figure out how to word this, "It didnt exactly mean anything."

"Either way," Jen broke the incredibly awkward silence that had seemed to drag it's way around the room, "Didn't you guys ever experiment when you were young and drunk?"

Roy and I shot each other a worried glance. I was a very open person and honestly wouldn't mind telling Jen that much, but Roy...

-

I pulled my pants back on, being sure it took me five seconds to pull on each respective pant leg. Roy sat at the side of the bed, head in his hands.

"Moss, what did we just do?" I heard a crack in Roy's voice that I had not heard before that day.

"Well, Roy, I believe that is what people call sexua-"

"No, Moss," I watched Roy's face grow redder and heard his voice shake.

I didn't know my best friend back then as well as I do now, but I certainly knew that something was wrong.

"Well, it definitely was," I then began to pull my shirt on and do the buttons up again, counting the amount of buttons as usual.

I heard a slight whimper from where Roy sat. I'd never seen him cry before then. I'd never even felt hurt for someone I'd loved before.

I sat down next to him and rested a hand on his back in an attempt to calm down my best friend, but he flinched and scooted away.

"We're not gay, Moss," he said quietly but firmly, refusing to make eye contact with me.

"Roy, I-" I might as well have cut myself off.

I had no clue what to say.

"We're not gay!" His voice grew louder.

That angry yell that still frightened me to this day.

"Do friends-" I looked down, "Do friends do what we just did?"

-

It wasn't like I could lie to Jen myself. Not convincingly, at least. I shot Roy a pleading glance.

"Nope, I've always known that tits are the only things for me, Jen," Roy explained, almost convincingly.

I nodded profusely, doing my best not to sweat but only really making it worse, before going back to my laptop and pretending nothing had happened.

Jen rolled her eyes and made her way back into her own office. I glanced at Roy again, but he had just gone back to slouching over Roonscape.

Maybe he'd never come around...

Or out.