Sparkles Terrestres

Be (HER)self

''I'm not her '' .

i ,finally uttered those words to my mom who stood up right before me with weary eyes yet angry glance .

i finally did it .

It was too astonishing even for me 

 My brain didn't figure what hormones need to be urged .  So  i felt the rush of adrenaline and somehow felt safe , safe and happy all at once . Disappointed too and it felt just  weird how i got so used to depecrate myself that even when i should be proud of something i did , some negative feelings slide in .  And i let them do 

''i'm not her'' , i repeat , this time my voice came out husky and almost a whisper .

Maybe not the right timing for a soft tone but my eyes say it all i'm sure . Teary yet with fire urging her to look at me and see ME as i am like she never did .

When i'm asked about my childhood i say what's that 

Is that the period where people feel the most happy and loved and cherished , yeah ? because i never experienced that . So i guess that's a privilege . i got to embrace what life is at a very young age , it is a privilege , right ? 

Most kids sucked their thumbs growing up , i sucked my emotions , my jealousy of my sister and learnt to admire the ceiling of my bedroom prematurely .

My mom compared me to my sister so much that i forgot i also existed as her other daughter . I bet she had forgot that too .

 I was that stranger who came in for the first time and had to fit into the hosue 's rules . 

Except that ,that stranger had the option to stay or leave when i had to shut my mouth and wallow in pain . 

 I was a kid . i didn't know much about life . I was only taught to follow my sister's steps , do what she does , act and behave the way she acts and behaves . I remember the motivational videos i used to watch to help me find confidence and hope in me . ''be yourself'' all of them preached.

But how to be myself when i'm already someone else .

That day was different. 

 i was mature enough to look into my mom' s eyes and shout : she's dead . She won't come back . And if you want her back that bad , i'll be the one sent out .

Ps  :

This is the spooky , sad season when i'm the most depressed , the most tired and the most fed up with life . 

It will ,for sure , reflect on what i write but i think there's also a bright side to it because we are the most honest when we're broken since we get to think about a lot of stuff and figure out a lot of bullshi** so yeah .

stay at home y'all and try to be productive , don't slack off the whole day  like i do . 

PEAce out ~