Matters of the Heart

Chapter 0.24

|| Madison ||

My fingers trembled as I wrapped them around the handle of my teacup and then slowly brought the cup up to my lips.

19:13.

Calum's supposed to be here in seventeen minutes.

In seventeen minutes I'm going to face the man I love and tell him that we can't be together anymore.

I've spent two days thinking about this and fuck knows that I don't want to break up with Calum but I have to. My mind is unpredictable and it's not fair of me to put Calum in its destructive path, as Karlien so eloquently put it.

Calum should be loving somebody who isn't scared of being loved. Somebody who isn't scared of her mental health disorder fucking everything up for her.

God fucking knows that I put all my trust in Calum when he told me that he would always be here for me during the rough times but now that just makes me feel like I'm burdening him because I never know when those rough times are going to come and for how long they're going to last.

He's going to get sick of having to play the prince rescuing the damsel in distress every time she needs saving.

He's going to get sick of being in love with me.

Fifteen minutes later there was a knock at my front door. It's now or never.

I put my now almost empty teacup down on the coffee table and then made my way to the front door. I took a deep breath before turning the knob and opening the door.

"Hey, sweetheart," He smiled at me and then leaned down to kiss me before he entered my apartment.

"Hi, lief," I said, forcing as much of a smile as I could.

He frowned. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," I lied as we stepped into the lounge.

"Madison, I know you well enough by now to know when you're faking a smile," He said knowingly. "Is everything okay?"

I let out a shaky breath as I felt the rims of my eyes start to burn with tears. "No."

"Why? What's wrong?" He asked gently as he sat down next to me and then wrapped his arms around me.

"Me."

"You?"

"Yes, me. I'm what's wrong," I said, swallowing the lump in my throat and feeling the tears start to tip over.

"What do you mean?" He questioned with confusion laced in his voice. "What's going on, Madison?"

I choked back a sob as the tears finally started falling down my cheeks. "We can't be together anymore, Calum."

For a moment he was silent and then he said, "what?"

I clasped my hands together to stop them from trembling violently. "Me and you, Calum, it's not going to work."

"Madison, what are you talking about? What do you mean it's not going to work?" He asked, sounding as heartbroken as I felt.

"I'm not good for you, Calum," I said as I wiped away my tears that were falling rapidly. "You deserve so much better."

"Madison, I don't understand. Where is all of this coming from?" The amount of innocent confusion laced in his voice was enough to send me into hysteria.

"God, Mads, please don't cry," He soothed as he wrapped his arms tighter around me and pulled me into his chest. "Tell me what's going on."

"Calum, you deserve a girlfriend who's mind isn't as fucked up as mine is," I said in between sobs. "You deserve to be in love with someone who isn't afraid of her own feelings because her mind is convincing her that it's all going to crash and burn. I'm a liability, Calum." The words hurt to say but they were true. "My mind is a liability. It's cruel and unpredictable and you deserve someone so much better than a girl with a mental health status that's far from okay."