Creatures of the Heart

LETTERS

You think you've found the love of your life?

Congratulations! You've come a long way from the 14-year-old who dumped your first love just after two weeks of courtship because he spent too much time playing online games. I guess even at that age you understood that loving someone takes commitment, but wanting to spend the rest of your life with one person takes more than just love.

The feeling of being in love is truly wonderful, isn't it? Colours are brighter, food tastes better, the weather is kinder, and nothing can ruin your day. I was in love once too, and it was the most magical time of my life.

Before I met your father, I never imagined anyone could be interested in me, being handicapped and filled to the brim with insecurities. To an outsider, I tackled life with the ferocity of a fighting bull despite my physi0cal inadequacies, but that was just the clever camouflage of the walls I have built through the years. I guess your father was somewhat tricked by the walls when he fell in love with me. We were young, naive and giddy with romance which lulled us into a false sense of wonderment during the first few years of our marriage. As time peeled and eroded the walls around me, the real me began to emerge, and the truth reared its ugly head.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to taint your story. You and your other half may be lucky enough to have a wonderful marriage, one of few who could still share a joke, walk hand in hand in the park and smile at each other with missing teeth in the morning during your old age. But life is rarely that picture perfect.

As much as you think you know your partner, the cold truth is everybody has a secret to hide, even from their dearest one. The other inevitable fact is that everyone changes, no matter what they say or do. Considering these, you should be aware that the fairy-tale notion of 'happily ever after' does not exist.

Marriage is never a bed of roses as many girls are led to believe in Hollywood romantic comedies and chick lit. I know I've always drummed the importance of being rational into you since you were young, and I would like to think that you are more grounded with common sense compared to your peers. However, I have seen even-keeled adult throw caution to the wind when they are intoxicated with love. Cupid can give you a hangover so bad that when you wake up from it, it's too late.

Perhaps the modern generation does not hang on to the old fashion notion of everlasting love and monogamy, but I still believe it is what makes a marriage work. It is important to love and love completely when you are truly devoted to someone. I believe I've done so with your father. But love is never enough to sustain a marriage. It is like bubbles in a soda. After the bubbles fizzle out, you have to decide whether to still drink it or dump it.

What comes after love then? Dedication. It takes conscious efforts to stay committed to another person when the sense of wonderment and excitement is gone. That is the reason many have erred including your father. This brings me to the willingness to give someone a second chance. Nobody is perfect and everyone deserves a second chance. If you love someone enough, you will give that person a second chance, but do not take mercy for granted, as there is a fine line between being forgiving and being taken advantage of.

The other thing about keeping a marriage together is never lose sight of who you are. As a woman, it is easy to lose yourself into the roles you need to play after marriage - daughter, wife, mother, lover. Years down the road, I hardly recognise the person I have become and I can't even recall who I used to be. I can't love myself when I don't even know who I am anymore; and how could another person do the same for me? Remember, don't ever lose yourself. A man who truly loves you will love you for who you are and not what society expects of you. Love yourself and you will have a long marriage.

*

I folded the letter, slid it into the yellow envelope labelled MARRIAGE, and added it to the pile at the corner of the table. I referred to my list and ticked off item number twelve, leaving CHILDREN, CAREER and DEATH unchecked.

"Almost done," I mumbled to myself.

I placed the list on top of the pile, picked them up, and shoved them into the deep end of my wardrobe. My fingers lingered on a small plastic bottle among the clothing and I pulled it out. The bright blue pills rattled in the bottle and reminded me of a baby's toy. I stared at the bottle and envisioned the eventuality it meant.

The door lock clicked and keys jangled from the hallway. I breathed again as I stuffed the bottle under the garments before slamming the door shut.

"Ma, I'm hone," a cheery voice sang to my ears, "I'm hungry."

"Didn't you have lunch in school?" I put on a smile as I stepped out of the room to greet Cheryl.

"I did, but I'm still hungry."

The bright-eye and rosy-cheek 16-year-old pouted her cherry lips at me.

I hugged her. "I'll make you some banana fritters."

"Yay!"

Fifteen minutes later, the sound of peanut oil sizzling in a pan mixed with the mouth-watering aroma of caramelised bananas filled the small kitchen of our apartment. Cheryl told me about her day at school. I wanted to share with her how my day was, but had nothing interesting to tell. So, I listened and smiled at her amusing stories. The chatter and sweet snack that warmed our palate held the foreboding future at bay.

I'm going to miss this - I refused to dwell on that thought.

At that moment, only the present mattered.