laila's pov
I looked at myself and the mirror. I looked at my body and it looked like I had lost maybe 5 pounds. When you don't really have 5 pounds to lose, it's kinda noticeable. Thankfully, no one seemed to notice. I mean, I hide it extremely well. Sweatpants and a hoodie tend to cover up everything I need it to.
I haven't cried in front of the boys since I got out of the hospital. I also haven't been able to keep down my food. I don't force myself to throw it up, it just kinda comes up on it's own. It's hard waking up everyday, feeling as empty as I do. It's even harder to hide it.
Madison called me everyday, multiple times a day. She even came to see me often, before she had to leave to visit her family for her brothers birthday. I miss her.
Today, the boys leave for tour. I'm gonna miss them a lot. Their noisy way of living. The sense of family that they give me.
I don't know how I was gonna do it without them.
I was brought out of my daze by a knock on my door.
"Come in."
"We're leaving Lay, are you sure you're gonna be okay?" Matt asked. His words made me want to cry, but I didn't want to worry him so I held it in as much as I could.
"Yeah i'll be alright Matty." I sighed getting up to hug him. He rocked me back and forth a couple of times before pulling me out of the hug and downstairs.
The boys stood there with their bags, just trying to get out of the house. The chaos was kinda beautiful in a way.
Once they saw me, the calmed down before it was silent.
"I'm gonna miss you guys," I said with a sad smile.
I went down the little line they formed and hugged each of them.
Once I hugged Joba, I couldn't help but cry. I felt so small, so powerless.
"Guys I promise I'm fine, I'm just gonna miss y'all that's it." I said gently wiping the tears off my still bruised face.
I hugged Ciaran last and as I was in his arms I heard him whisper, "Don't hesitate to call me okay? I know you're not alright. I know this is a front so you won't be forced to come with us. But don't be afraid to talk to me alright." He really did see right through me.
I waved at the boys as the bus pulled out of the driveway.
Once they were gone I closed the door and completely broke down.
Every emotion that I had been holding onto hit me all at once.
I dragged myself into my art space and just let everything flow freely.
Once I was finished, I could feel that my face was puffy and my art portrayed everything I wish I could do to myself, but couldn't because I hated drawing attention to myself.
Over the duration of 12 hours, 12 non stop hours of me painting, I made 6 different pieces, all different sizes. One thing they all had in common was they all had small stains where my tears flowed from my face and hit the canvas. They were beautiful, in a twisted kinda fucked up way. They were a mirror of everything I felt.
I shot Brandon a text to come pick up the art, just to come through the back gate. I needed to to sleep. I needed to sleep before I let all of my emotions consume me in the worst way possible.
~
I woke up to my computer making a weird noise and noticed it was a facetime call. I answered and all of the boys beautiful little faces were on my screen.
"Hey guys, hows tour treating you?" I smiled.
"Well we finished our first show here in Vancouver, and it was fucking amazing. You sure you don't want to join us?" Romil asked.
I looked down and played with my hands while thinking about it for a bit.
"Come on lay, we even have a bed for you on the bus. You can sleep with Matt or whoever you want to in the hotels. Come on we miss you already." Jon begged.
"I'm not just gonna go over there to bother y'all the whole time." I said looking down.
"Come on, it'll be official business. You can help us with merch designsssss." hk said while making a puppy dog face.
"I'll order a jet, where do I fly?" I said looking up at all of the boys with huge smiles on their faces.
"Vancouver, we'll be here another day before we go to Toronto."
I opened my phone to text Brandon that I was leaving and holy shit I slept for a whole ass day. It was now 11 pm, the next day.
"When do I fly out?" I asked.
"Uhhh right now?" Matt said.
"Hold up." I said while putting my finger up.
I talked to Brandon and he said he could get me a jet to vancouver but I needed to leave, like now.
"Alright guys gotta go, see you at maybe 2 am." I said while a smile on my face.
I hung up and threw a bunch of shit in my suitcase. I ordered an uber to the private airport and made sure I had all of my essentials: weed, weed, weed, juul, mascara, and a toothbrush. Check.
~
They put me on the fastest jet they had, which would get me to Vancouver by like 1:15am - 1:30 am.
The beauty of flying private is that you can literally fly with whatever you want. I was TSA prechecked so I just rushed through the little airport to my car that would take me to the plane.
A guy got my luggage and I climbed up the stairs with my backpack.
For some reason, going to see the boys made me extremely happy. I haven't been happy in what feels like forever, but really has only been a couple of days.
~
As per usual, I got high as hell on this flight. Besides my efforts to try and cure my appetite with weed, I still hurled in the restroom after eating what little I ordered.
I also had to put on my glasses because trying to read through twitter was giving me a migraine.
~
"Welcome to Vancouver, Ms. Champion." The attendant politely said with a smile.
Yessss finally.
