Hello Me

Chapter 3

"Coo-ey!"

The front door slammed, and the deep-voiced owner of the shriek click clacked their way into the kitchen, the sound of high heels echoing off the tiled floor and up the stairs. Ellie paused, putting down the books she had been sliding into the bookcase on the landing, and peered over the stairs to see who was there. The giant, fluorescent pink handbag sitting in the hallway didn't give many clues. She hesitated for a moment, wavering slightly from one foot to the other, before hopping over the stack of books and making her way downstairs.

"Darling, look who's here! Your gran has popped in to see you!"

If ever there was anything as disconnected as the word gran, the woman before her, and the cosy cottage kitchen the three women were gathered in, this was it. Ellie wondered for a moment if she'd been transported into a Monty Python movie. Her supposed 'gran' was as far from a cute old British nana as you could get. It had been years since her mother's parents had visited them in the States. Now she knew why. Surely border control would never have let this woman in.

"Well I'll be damned! Look at what we have here. Eleanor Grace Spencer, you are all grown up!"

Her gran yanked her into her substantial bosom for what could only be described as a bear hug. She felt she was simultaneously suffocating in the enormous grasp of the woman, and being cuddled by a giant cloud. In all, it was pretty nice. The woman going by the name of 'gran' finally released her, and stood back to admire Ellie's now squashed face and frizzy hair. Ellie did the same.

Her gran was tall, probably nearly six foot, and was built like an American football player. Stocky, but not fat, the woman seemed to take up every inch of space in the small kitchen, but somehow didn't make Ellie feel overpowered. Her substantial frame was clothed in what appeared to be a red fur coat, topped by a purple fedora hat, keeping a mass of shocking white hair in place, with her full face framed by an unusual pair of black and white chequered glasses. The effect was sort of an aging super model with an eyesight problem.

"Don't worry, love! No foxes or red squirrels died in the making of this coat!" Her gran guffawed, in an accent tinged with her native Scottish, seeming to read Ellie's mind. "It's polyester, with a bit of red clothes dye. Got it in the charity shop and dyed it myself! Putting dye in the washing machine turned my knickers pink for weeks, I can tell you!"

Ellie realised her mouth was hanging slightly open. She was having trouble keeping up, having only understood about every third word of what the woman had said. If all British people spoke like this she was going to need Rosetta Stone, stat.

"Now, sit yourself down lass, and let's hear about your trip. Oh, we've been so excited for you to arrive, haven't we Jenilynn? I said to Boris last week – he's the captain of the poker team – I said, I bet the girl looks like a little American doll, and here you are! Oh you could pass for whatsherface! What's her name Jen? Demi Lovato, that's it!" The enormous woman doubled over in waves of laughter. Ellie felt her eyes turn into saucers. My grandmother knows who Demi Lovato is?!

Again, her grandmother seemed to read her mind. "Aye, I know who she is, and all those other so-called singers you youngsters like! I'm pretty 'down with the kids'! And I watch the X Factor, so we can chitchat about who's doing what with whom in the celebrity world, don't you worry. Now," she started determinedly, pulling Ellie into a chair around the small wooden table taking up much of the entirety of the kitchen.

Her grandmother fixed her with a serious look that was at odds with the purple hat still perched on top of her head. "Are you missing home yet? It's a bit of a shock to the system, moving at your age," she said softly, piercing Ellie with the same steely blue eyes her mother owned, brimming with sympathy and love. It was as if she knew exactly how it felt to be her, Ellie thought, as she felt her defences melt. She gently nodded and felt tears threaten to fall. So much for being determined to hate everyone, everything, and pretend like she didn't care! This woman seemed to have the oddest effect on her.

Ellie's mom smiled knowingly as she watched the oldest and youngest members of the family embrace again, and turned her back to clean some already dry dishes to give them a little privacy. Her grandmother stroked the spirals of Ellie's wiry brown hair, as she gulped back a few tears and let her shoulders relax, until eventually the tension she didn't know she had been carrying began to release, and the polyester of the red coat began to itch her face.

It had been years – since she was a little girl – that Ellie had spent any amount of time with her grandparents, but it felt as though it were yesterday. Far from seeming like the crazy stranger Ellie had expected when she walked in the room, this larger than life woman was warm, funny and yet gentle at the same time. Ellie felt a rush of love for her, and for the first time since she'd started packing up her things in Illinois, she felt herself relax and a tiny curl of happiness form in her stomach.

Jen set down a teapot (a device they had managed to exist without in America, but apparently essential for UK living) and poured them each a cup. Ellie's grandmother fetched her enormous bright pink handbag from the hallway and pulled out a big tin of homemade chocolate biscuits. They all tucked in happily as Ellie told them both a bit about the flight (long and boring) and how she felt about her new bedroom (pretty good).

"So Gran, you live nearby, right? Where's Granddad? Is he coming over later too? I can't really remember what he looks like either; it's been so many years." Suddenly Ellie realised she had a million questions to ask this strangely captivating woman. Her gran smiled kindly and patted her hand, as if she were about to give some bad news. Ellie braced herself. Surely her parents would have told her if he was dead?! Then again, they hadn't informed her about her grandmother being some kind of loony, Amazonian woman.

"Well love," her gran straightened her back and pulled herself up in the chair which had the odd effect of making her seem like a flamingo. "Your granddad moved out. Aye, he's still nearby, living up in the big smoke – London, pet," she clarified, seeing Ellie's confused face. Devouring a whole biscuit in one bite she continued. "He's living with Donald. You see, he's got a bit of the Elton John's about him, love. It was sort of a marriage of convenience, as they say. Oh we still love each other, get along famously, we always will. But he.....loves Donald a little bit more, if you see what I'm saying?"

Ellie's mouth was hanging open again. She most definitely did not see what her gran was saying. What did Elton John have to do with anything?

Seeing her confusion, her gran continued. "He bats for the other side, my pet. Like Ricky Martin!" she screeched, triumphantly, knowing that this would clear up all confusion.

"You're saying my grandfather is gay?" Ellie uttered, astonished.

"As gay as can be." Her gran nodded and grinned, satisfied. "We separated years ago, but finally got around to divorce proceedings last year. So he and Donald can marry. Anyone who loves another should be able to marry them. And marry they will! The ceremony is in the summer. This isn't Ohio anymore, darling!"

"Illinois." Jen and Ellie said together, but it was lost on Gran who had started gathering up her things. The energy of the house seemed to ripple as the imposing woman took to her feet. Ellie noticed the black leather boots her gran was wearing, laced to her knees with four inch heels, at least. How was this woman related to her quiet, sensible mother?

"A good high heel does wonders for a woman. I've been trying to tell your mother for years, Ellie. Hopefully with our combined help we can get her looking fashionable again and wipe out this drab Midwest American influence!" Her grandmother winked and Ellie had the uneasy sensation that her mind was being read again. Jen laughed good-naturedly and swatted her mother with a tea towel.

"Off with you! I've got to help Ellie unpack and sort through the mountain of clothes she's brought with her. We'll meet you in the pub at seven for dinner?"

Ellie stretched on her tiptoes to kiss her grandmother's cheek goodbye. She had most certainly not been expecting life to be anything but dull in grey old England, but with the entrance of this bizarre, enigmatic woman, she had the feeling that things might get interesting. Suddenly, she couldn't wait for dinner tonight. Goodness only knew what her grandfather and his groom-to-be Donald would be like!