.Ocean of Ellipsism and Monachopsis.

.I Do Know Things, But Do I Want To Remember?.

     As Gerard shut the door, trying not to make a loud noise he noticed Mikey. Mikey stood, one knee bent the other straight. His arms crossed in a stern manner. Mikey raised one brow, looking down at Gerard slightly. Though he was four years younger than Gerard he was still an inch taller than him. With one hand he gestured to Gerard's soaked navy blue jeans.

     "What happened?" Mikey asked with a disapproving sigh. He then put his arm back to where it was previously.

     Gerard smirked thinking back to the memory of what happened earlier. "I was sittin' by the ocean," Gerard defended, stuffing his hands back into his pockets only able to fit four fingers; they are women's jeans.

     "More like sitting in the ocean," Mikey argued. He let his hands fall to the side. Mikey sighed, his sigh full of stress. "Well uh, dinner's almost done; I could use some of your help though?" he tested.

     "Yeah, sure," Gerard grinned happily. It's been quite some time since Gerard spent quality time with him. Gerard always had to work and so did Mikey; whenever they had the chance to spend time together, they were always too stressed from what had happened previously that day. Not to mention Gerard's online classes. Balancing college and work is extremely demanding for Gerard.

     Gerard made art for an art gallery. Not many people are qualified for their art to be put in the gallery, so he spent most of his days in his room making multiple pieces at a time. On top of that, he had to balance online college.

     Their mother left them quite a bit of money in her will so they bought a small house within walking distance from the Atlantic. They lived in the city of Brigantine, New Jersey. Gerard forced Mikey to live with him. Although most of the time Gerard liked being alone, he couldn't stand being away from Mikey for more than a week. He was Gerard's home, the only place Gerard felt safe.

     Gerard had always been attracted to the ocean blue. It is a stunning yet deadly thing and that alone filled him with wonder. Mikey never understood Gerard's infatuation with the Atlantic, he constantly argued 'it's just water. Why don't you turn the faucet on and look at that, same thing.' All Gerard would do is smile and laugh.

     Mikey makes comic books for a living, his most successful and recent being Collapser. He didn't want to go to college because he confessed and I quote 'I'd rather eat a tub full of cat tongues than go to college, I don't need college to be successful.' Some of his comics didn't get published, and the ones that did didn't make it too big, yet he still had hope. Gerard couldn't help but feel so proud of how far Mikey had gotten since high school.

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Dinner had passed and Gerard was left alone in his personal sanctuary. Daydreaming about his past they were more like Nightmares than anything but he still found peace in that endless pit of dread. He was alone in bed looking at his not quite white ceiling. He thought about high school and each and every one of his fuck ups. The only thing he thought about were his emotions and all the pain he has went through and perhaps he's still going through it. This depression he found himself in this terror he let consume him, he let it; but perhaps now he wanted out. He couldn't find a way out he couldn't no matter how far he went he still got sucked back in.

His thoughts still focused on his past. All the shit people said. Perhaps it wasn't complete shit because Gerard believed every single word of it.

People in high school only hurt Gerard to make themselves look pretty. Perhaps high school was a phase, but old habits die hard and the kind of abuse Gerard was put through was proof. He never went home without a few bruises or lacerations, but he took it- he never even tried to stop it because he knew he deserved it; he thought if he wasn't so vulgar they wouldn't be doing it in the first place. It was a kind of indirect self-harm and perhaps he knew that. Again, old habits die hard and Gerard still takes abuse because he never learned anything different. Plus self-harm wasn't a thing that got taught. He never had the internet, he never knew exactly what self-harm was; he never knew the term and no one told him it was frowned upon. Things were different back then, high school was different. People now seem all bark and no bite. Maybe Gerard learned the hard way when he was a teen because he didn't need the internet to know what cutting yourself was- the people in his sophomore year told him so. He never wanted them to be right but he was weak; he needed a way to seize the loneliness and self-loathing for a few sweet seconds, and that was the only way he saw fit.

He never got over that addiction; it was no longer because he was lonely or self-loathing even though perhaps he was- it was because he was familiar with the sight of the syrupy crimson trickling down his wrist and onto the checkered linoleum. He didn't want to stop; he didn't have a good enough reason to. Mikey knew the kind of self-destruction was into in the teenage years but he was totally oblivious of it now. Mikey thought Gerard was over his "emo" phase. He was in fact, but emotions still remain and so do curiosities. Gerard was a grown man now but he still felt like the naive and ignorant teen he was many years ago.