One More Light

Chapter 1

One more light

Naruto could recognise that it was wrong, but it's all he has ever known. Everyone knows him as the number one, hyperactive, knuckle-headed ninja but that's just how he acted for the sake of others. To begin with it was to protect himself. A way to show the villagers that he was stronger than their hatred, could smile through their fear. For the most part he had convinced himself that he was stronger but sometimes the only thing that got him through was by bleeding out his pain. Now, the act remains to protect himself from their affection. It's a strange position to be in, going from being hated to being the saviour of a village... being famous. Naruto can recognise that the way he handles his emotions is not healthy but honestly by this point there isn't much he can do to stop.

The day started out just like any other... alone.

As Naruto watched the sunrise he started to calculate how many more sunrise he thought he would have... how many more he could handle having before he was consumed by his own mind. As he rose from his bed, he looked around his apartment and chuckled softly 'Nothings really changed, I'm still a mess' he thought, noting the state of the bare apartment, riddled with dust and rubbish. It's not that Naruto didn't tidy the apartment during his 'good days', it's just that he didn't have many good days anymore. Everything ached, not from trading, no he was a perfect physical specimen. Everything hurt from the constant tension in his muscles, the constant battles he fought with himself, the sleep that often alluded him and the meals he couldn't bring himself to eat. His body ached just from being alive and it was starting to affect the performance he delivered for his village.

When he was younger, his house was a mess because he didn't really understand the whole concept of cleanliness, now it's a mess because the amount of effort it takes to care about it's state would damn near steal the last remaining energy he has and that is energy required to show the people of the village that he is strong and well.

Today was only a training day (thankfully) as Naruto lethargically began to get ready. During his morning shower, he sat on the ground and let the water run over him as he hugged his knees to his chest. This was one of the few times during the day that he let his thoughts consume him. 'Why am I even bothering anymore? I have their recognition now. They know me. They say they care, why am I still feeling so pathetic. I defeated Pain. Heck I even got him to save everyone he hurt but I still feel like a worthless human being...' he thought as his shows concluded. As he rose from the ground, grabbed his towel and slowly began to dry himself, he felt his smile fall into place and tried to will the light back to his eyes rather unsuccessfully. Dressing quickly, Naruto left his apartment and headed to the training grounds to meet with his team. Little did he know that his internal war was beginning to take its toll on his tailed beast.

"What is wrong with this kid?" Kyuubi grumbled to himself. "He doesn't need to feel this way anymore, he has truly become a strong Shinobi". He looked around embarrassed, thinking he could not possibly be proud of nor care for this cage but it slowly dawned on him that unconsciously he had grown fond of the persistent yet suffering person named Naruto. Thinking back he can remember instinctively wrapping his chakra around him during the worst of his self harming just to let him know someone understood. But he could never confess his affection, he was the nine-tailed fox, a demon. He didn't have room in his heart for anything but hatred. Although right know, the only emotion he could feel towards his Jinchuuriki was concern as he noted the scenery of his seal becoming so dark it was like someone had swallowed the sun.

Naruto took his time walking to training, allowing the people of Konoha talk with him and thank him for saving them from the Akatsuki. The more people he spoke to, the bigger the pit of despair in him grew. He wasn't exactly sure why but he felt like all the colour around him became slightly duller with each passing conversation. 'I wonder if the world seems grey for anyone else?' He thought miserably as he finally arrived to find Sakura and Sai waiting for him with an air of annoyance surrounding them. "You're late!" Sakura screamed as he stopped in front of he. She raised He fist angrily but Naruto just kept staring , mumbling an apology with a forced chuckled. Sai just stood there, smiling blankly. A short time later, Kakashi and Yamato both appeared in a cloud of smoke only to be assaulted by Sakura screaming once more. Everyone looked to naruto, noticing he hadn't screamed profanities at their lateness but he just widened his grin and chuckled half-heartedly. No one seemed to notice his odd behaviour or the look of bone deep weariness he had in his eyes.

Kakashi quickly announced that the training today would be a scavenger hunt around the recently destroyed village in search of supplies which may be buried under the rubble. Each team member was given a list with 40 items on it and told they had till the sunset to complete the task. Naruto looked at his list and grumbled internally and the sheer amount of effort this task would require. As Kakashi laid out the ground rules *no summonings*, everyone looked over their list with eyes full of hope. Hope at rebuilding their village and a future. Naruto looked at his team mates and mustered all the hope he could to show them he wanted this too but it failed. So he widened his grin and closed his eyes, hiding the despair he felt. Kakashi signalled the start of the challenge and everyone sprang into action, except Naruto who sat and began meditating. Or so it would seem.

As Naruto sat, gathering nature energy for his sage mode, he allowed himself to silently cry. This overwhelming despair he felt had become too much and he wasn't sure why he was feeling the way he was but he had a task to complete and a nindo that demanded his full attention. Having achieved sage mode, he wiped his eyes on his sleeve. Everything seemed a little more colourful in this mode, he noted sadly. 'Almost ready,' he thought as he stood 'just one last thing to do before I start my mission.' Naruto pulled a Kunai from his pouch, took a moment to sense the nearby people and check that no one was close enough to see before slowly dragging the blade across his wrist. Instantly he felt a sense of relief was over him as he returned the kunai to his pouch. The smile on his face grew a little more genuine as he leaped into the air in search of the items on his list.