One More Light

Chapter 10

When Naruto awoke the sky was cast in pale shades of blue and pinks, the watery sunlight streaming through the rooms windows, casting little light. "Good morning." Gaara whispered as if he were afraid of startling Naruto and he rolled over. Naruto realised in that moment how close their bodies were and how much of the bed he had been taking up, pushing Gaara right to the edge. His face grew read as he noted he was in the Kazekage's embrace. "Morning." Naruto said quickly, trying to hide his embarrassment but also feeling better than he had in months. Naruto went to rise but Gaara tugged at him lightly, a silent request for him to turn and face the other man fully. Naruto obliged and rolled over. "How did you sleep?" Gaara asked, concern lancing his words. "Good." Naruto said with a smile. "I think it's the first time I have slept well since Pervy Sage, you know." Naruto finished his sentence in a whisper, feeling that wave of emotion knocking at his mind. Sooner or later, he realised, he would have to talk about it. I could do it now, get it over with. I feel so safe right now, maybe this is the best time to talk about him. Naruto thought as he weighed his options and looked at his friend. Do it now Naruto. You will feel the weight all day otherwise. The Kyuubi urged him quietly, sending memories of Jirayah to the forefront of Naruto's mind to convince him to talk more. "Naruto?" Gaara probed gently, noting the changing emotions displayed on his face, longing, confusion, hurt, betrayal. Everything. He was feeling everything.

Naruto bit his lip as a wave of emotion crashed upon him. After months of being numb, all these emotions felt overwhelming. He honestly wasn't sure how to word this in a way that did not destroy his semblance of control. Gaara could see this thought forming in his head and once again reminded Naruto of the words he has spoken earlier in their journey. "You need not wear that mask with me. I see you. Every piece of you. And I will not let you face this alone." Naruto nodded slightly at this and began sharing the tale of his master, the emotions he had been consumed by and the moment where he felt nothing. He explained his life lately as a balance between drowning and being thirsty. There were moments he was drowning in emotion and felt the current pulling him under, suffocating him with pain. The converse to that was the numbness, cold, unfeeling. It was like being deprived of water, oxygen, everything fundamental and needed for life. Gaara just lay next to Naruto and listened. Never judging, never interrupting. He nodded occasionally when Naruto met his gaze but he let Naruto continue, even when his voice broke and the tears came as he talked about Jirayah. Gaara moved closer in this moment and wrapped a supportive arm around Naruto, bodies practically entangled in one another.

Naruto could feel it so vividly, the pain at losing his master, a man who felt like family to him. He felt this pain more vividly than any pain caused by a kunai, more striking than any jutsu. It broke him apart, tears springing from his eyes and his breath became strained. He knew he was showing all his weaknesses and insecurities to Gaara but he felt so safe with the Kazekage, he did not think it would change Gaara's opinion of him nor their friendship.

"I felt like I was dying when I heard he had been killed. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I felt that light inside me go out. The light he had fostered and allowed to glow. I felt it be smothered by the emptiness that now took his place. I felt all the joy and colour in my life sputter and die. But no one else reacted that way and I couldn't let them see what it had done to me. I was meant to be strong and they couldn't understand. I had been alone from the start. His death just put me back there. I was alone again but this time I had nothing. No colour, no light, nothing. I just wanted it all to stop and then I tried to focus on one thought, getting strong enough to end Pain. But after that, the numb swept in and I felt nothing. I needed to feel something but physical pain was all there was for me." Naruto finally took a breath. He had never been so honest about his feeling and he felt the mask he usually wore trying to regain control, but he would not let it. He needed to be seen and he knew Gaara was the only one he trusted, now that he no longer had Jirayah.

Gaara waited to make sure Naruto was finished with his tale before he responded. "It is clear you loved Jirayah and his loss was felt most by you because of that love. But nothing is permanent. We can rebuild the light, find the colour, help you through this grieving. It will never be gone, that pain, but together we can find the light again. Thank you for letting me in." Gaara showed Naruto how much his trust meant to him through the genuine smile he shared. "Let's get ready for our journey. This time tomorrow, you will be waking to the sun of Suna and I promise you will not be alone for a moment unless you want to be alone. This is the start of our journey together to heal and find the light." Naruto just smiled, truly in awe of his friend and the warm he felt around himself in that moment. He realised it was the first real smile any of his friends had been given and he couldn't think of a friend that was more deserving of his true self than Gaara. As Naruto gave that precious smile to Gaara the Kyuubi smiled as well, whispering so low that Naruto would have only heard a whisper he said proudly 'Finally Kit. You finally see it.'