Nobody is my name

Anxiety

Some mistakes get made, that's alright, I said. Then why do I have this horrible feeling, it's a constant feeling, its every day in every place. Sometimes I can't breathe correctly, it's like a block that falls and cuts the air. My heart gets out of control, and thoughts flood my brain. A storm inside me is happening, and is destroying everything! 

One of the things I get all the time, is worrying about everything, it get's out of control. I worry about things that are months away from me! I dont have control of my life right now and I am already worrying about things that I dont even know that are really going to happen. I just want to explode, literally. 

Then I get obsessed with music, phone, and so many things and I get to live with them. I could die without them, I say. I get out of control if I dont have them with me, I just panic and all the thoughts and worries come to me like if I was a magnet. It doesn't have an explanation!

Worst is when I am relaxed and from nowhere comes Mr.Fear and Mrs.Horror. I start thinking of all the things that I have done, without any purpose. I start thinking all the bad things of them, so many conclusion that I just can't control. It's like a wild forest with animals( referring to my problems)running. It gets me everywhere in my room, at school or at the mall. It becomes a internal panic attack that I cant express. But I am feeling horrible, I start losing air, my chest just get's hot and wants to explode because it hurts! My heart wants to get out of me and start running away from me cause it can't hold it. It's enough already. When it's going to stop? I dont see the end.

Sometimes when I see something that reminds me of a horrible decision or past that I made, that I dont like at all and I don't want to think about it. All of the things combine in one simple bullet and when I am in a place that it's not my room, someone shoots that bullets and hits me, and that's when the hell starts. I can feel my brain crying, my heart stops for a minute. It just happens! I start panicking in the inside, most of the time family or friends are with me(cause I am the cool and nice guy everybody knows). I just take the biggest breath of all and try to control an uncontrollable feeling.

I always text my best friend( Irene ) she is the only one that knows about my anxiety, cause it once happened to me and I couldn't control it and I exploded in front of her. From that day on, she's been an angel in my life, every time I have a anxiety attacks in public I text her, and in minutes she is already helping me out, and trying to control myself. I really love her without a doubt.

The reason I have never tell someone about all of this is cause, I once saw a boy in school that had an anxiety attack and started crying and everybody starred at him, the most difficult part of all wasn't that one. It was when someone said to him, stop crying you baby and man-up. I got so pissed that I got an anxiety attack too, but I got out of the classroom. I just want to spill in this notebook all the things I wanted to say to that bastard.

WE ARE ALL HUMANS, we all cry, we all scream. We all have feelings, and that doesn't make that boy less man. I just dont get you, the one that is a little child here is you, the one without a heart. We think we live in a new society, but there is so much still to fix. The human heart, and brain are things that dont have an end, and you should respect him in all the possible ways that exist . I really wanted to hit him, but I just couldn't.

From that day on the boy never returned to the school. I understand him in so many ways. Why do people think that just because we are boys, we dont suffer, we dont cry, we don't have feelings. I just don't get it.

After all of that, just to come home and begin a new phase of the day. The never ending one! Just to lay in bed, without purpose, without energy. You just don't want to get up. You don't have appetite now, I barely eat, my mind goes through a lot of thinkin ( I will talk about all of these later ). Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel so down? When did all of this happened? When did it started? Why me? Is something without explanation, a never ending loop.

Worst part of all is when I fall asleep at 3:00 a.m. cause I dont feel like sleeping. At 6:00 a.m. I have a nightmare(it's like a memory that becomes a horrible dream) about the only thing I dont want to think about, or something that I am scared at. Is something that calls anxiety over and over again, every morning of my life! Those mornings I can barely have breakfast, my throat closes, and I chew, chew, and chew. I get the feeling of throwing up and my stomach just closes his functions.

I can only find peace and myself, when I start writing about everything, it's like the notebook and the pencil are calling me in so many ways from my room. I just-