𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍?

𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚎𝚗

"Seriously, guys?" Andy asks from where he's leaned up against Layne's truck. "I knew Chris was antisocial, but I didn't know it was this bad."

"I'm sorry." Chris hangs his head. "I just...couldn't be around people. I'm having a bout of the blues, Andy."

"I understand. Trust me, I know better than anyone."

"Don't be upset. We're just...leaving your party."

"I know. I'm leaving my party too." Andy drops a bag through the open window of the truck. "Get in, losers. We're going to the beach."

"Wait, no! Andy, you can't just leave."

"No, it's okay, I put Gracie in charge."

"Oh." Chris visibly relaxes. "Everything'll be fine. She'll stay sober and make sure no one sets anything on fire."

"Right." Andy nods. "Now get in."

Andy hops in the driver's seat and pops a mixtape into the player.

"Fuckin' A, he's got CD and tape? Lucky." Chris says. "Never noticed that before."

"Good thing, too. I love tapes." Andy says as Night Ranger fills the car. "Cassettes rule over CDs any day."

"I digress, but okay." Chris says. "This mix sucks."

"Fuck off, just because you don't appreciate glam metal doesn't mean other people don't."

"Yeah." I back Andy up. "Hair bands kick ass."

"Hell yeah! Nova, which ones do you like?"

"The Crüe, Poison, Night Ranger, Cinderella, Guns N' Roses...And when I saw GNR last year, Skid Row opened."

"Didn't their debut just come out in January?"

"Yeah. I haven't gotten it yet, either."

"I've never listened to them--well, besides hearing that one song on the radio. Youth Gone Wild, I believe it's called?"

"Yeah. Pretty kickass."

"Mm, Guns too. I fucking LOVE Guns N' Roses."

"Same!"

Chris looks at us.

"GNR is alright, I'll say that. But Poison? Cinderella?"

"It's not like I said I liked Warrant or something awful like that." Andy rolls his eyes.

"Hey, I like Warrant! Jani's a real babe, too."

"Ew." Chris wrinkles his cute nose. "You're into that? The whole dude-looks-like-a-lady thing?"

"And you're not?" Andy looks at Chris. "All of the times I've crossdressed and thought you were cool with it, wow."

"I didn't say I wasn't okay with it. You do you, Andy, and if that means wearing dresses, then go for it. Whatever you wanna do and be, I'm in full support."

"I'm not gay."

"I didn't say you were!"

"Guys, where are we going?" I interrupt as the tape changes from Don't Tell Me You Love Me to Detroit Rock City.

"The beach. Even though I look bad in shorts." Andy says, looking down at his purple pinstriped cutoffs.

"Oh, hush."

"I do."

"Nah." Chris says. "You don't."

Andy shakes his head and turns up the music.

"I do, and it ain't up for discussion. Now, we're here, get out."

Chris and I follow Andy around to the back of the truck, where he spreads out a blanket in the bed. We all climb up and settle in.

"I brought drinks." Chris and Andy say at the same time. We all burst out laughing.

"I brought beer." Chris says.

"I brought these little things I made." Andy pulls out three mason jars with ice and pale pink liquid sloshing around inside. "It's champagne and pink lemonade."

Chris makes a face.

"Just try it, it's good."

I take a sip from my jar, and Andy's right. It is good.

Right there, right at that moment in time, everything feels absolutely perfect. Drinking jars of what Andy has dubbed "loveshine" under the stars, Chris's arm around one shoulder and Andy's arm around the other, I feel like nothing could ever go wrong again. Night washes over us like waves in the sea, and the stars shine like the souls of lost sailors.

"I love you guys." Andy says quietly.

"I love you too." I reply. Chris makes an affirmative noise and grabs Andy's hand behind my back. They both scoot in, sandwiching me even closer between them. Chris pulls the blanket around us, creating a cocoon of warmth and love.

Part of me wants to hold on to this, to keep it close to my heart. Part of me wants to let these guys in, let them be a part of my hurt, my pain, my past.

Part of me knows better than to get attached. It never ends well, in my experience. I always end up getting hurt.

It's better to have lost at love than never to have loved at all, or so they say. I wouldn't know. I'm not the type to love. Never have...but still might. I fear I'm starting to love some of the people in this city. Andy, who lights up the room as soon as he walks in. Chris, the angel. Stone, who I don't doubt would defend me with his life. Layne, my fellow Crüehead. Jerry, the chronic smoker and sarcastic jokester. Gracie, the quiet but unimaginably kind mom friend. Kat, who makes me laugh at every turn. I'm slowly coming to the realization that I can't shut everyone out forever. There comes a point when the walls have to come down, and this might be it. I've been guarded for years, ever since...

"Nova, what's wrong?"

And that's when I realize I'm crying.

"I'm fine." I sniffle. "Nothing's wrong at all. Everything's more than okay."

"Okay." Chris says, as if he knows exactly what I mean. Sometimes, the good times bring out the strongest feelings. It's the pain that makes you numb.

We sit quietly, the only noise being my sniffling and Poison's I Won't Forget You drifting out the windows of Layne's truck.

"I wish it could last forever." Chris says softly. "This. I wish I could stay here forever. Never have to worry, or hurt, or feel depressed."

"Me too." I whisper. "Me too."

"I just want everyone to be happy. Please don't be sad, guys."

"I'm not sad. Happy tears." I smile and finish off my loveshine.

And they are. I just wish they could last.

*********

hey, guys!

how's everyone doing, with the quarantine, corona, and such things? well, i hope.

i know everyone's got a lot of time on their hands, so i have a viewing suggestion. if you haven't seen PJ20, you should. it's amazing.

also, if you're musically bored, check out T. Rex. if anyone can get you through, it's Marc Bolan. 

i, on the other hand, am very bored in general. so i am going to read lord of the rings and i am going to learn to play piano. 

what are you guys doing/working on?

💚 Frankie