Monachopsis

Chapter LII: Lightheaded

I stared numbly at the label of my beer, seeing but not really reading it. I had asked for a beer, at least, but the bartender could've given me water in a bottle and I wouldn't have noticed. It rolled off my tongue with no taste. The bar was nicely dim and mostly empty.

Muted country music jangled from hidden speakers. The only other guests were a group of locals playing darts, a passed out drunk at the bar and and the quiet bartender dozing off in front of the whiskey shelf. The air was pleasantly cool from the air conditioning.

I took a deep breath and another sip of beer. I didn't let any thoughts run through my head. I didn't think about the argument that lead me here, how Sam had begged me not to leave as I made him pull over on the side of the road. How Dean was silent as I left. No. Nothing like that. My mind was hollow and dark. I just wanted to drink and not think about how my manure-pile of a father was zooming through town completely content with the pain and anger he caused me.

I sat in a booth in the corner, hidden in the shadows. The seats were hard and uncomfortable, and the table was a raw wooden board that had already given me three splinters, but I refused to move. I felt like if I tried, I'd fall apart.

The lighthearted laughter from the group across the room knocked against my skull like pellets from a pellet gun. I grit my teeth and took another large swig of alcohol. It emptied the bottle. I sighed, agitated, and slammed the bottle down on the table.

"Need a refill?"

I looked up. Dean was leaning against the booth across from me, two beers in hand. I groaned, running a hand over my face and praying that the dim bar lighting hid my red-rimmed eyes.

"Go away," I whined. I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes hard enough that I was seeing spots. "I don't wanna see you."

He ignored my desperate plea for solitude, plopping his ass into the booth across from me. He grimaced as he tried to make himself comfortable and shoved one of his beers at me. He settled in with a sigh, using a bottle opener on his key ring to pop the cap on his beer and take a swig.

"Dad's gonna kill you if you get drunk," he told me.

I raised a cool eyebrow at him. "After the day we've had, is that really the first thing you wanna say to me right now?"

Dean raised his hands in surrender. So we sat there, drinking our beers in silence. The minutes ticked by awkwardly. I refused to break the silence, adamant in my resolve to make him break first. Across the room, a cheer went up from the crowd around the billiard board. Someone had a bulls-eye.

I felt myself getting tipsy. I had had a few beers by the time Dean had joined me. It wasn't enough to get me drunk, but I definitely started feeling better. Good enough to break my vow of silence.

"I understand, you know?" I said.

Dean raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Why you choose him over me," I said. 

Dean shook his head. "Gray--"

"No." I cut him off. "I do. I get it. I mean, he raised you after your mom died. You and Sam both. He taught you to hunt, he was there as you grow up. He protected you. Hell, he's your hero. Who am I compared to him, right?"

"That's not what's happening, Gray," Dean grunted. He set his beer on the table. "This isn't a competition."

"Isn't it?" I was surprised when my voice broke. My eyes were starting to burn. I fought against my emotions, stomping on them until they were efficiently smothered. I cleared my throat. "It's just frustrating. I'm tired of being angry. But I can't forgive him, either."

"I know, kid."

"And you want us to get along," I went on. "But every time I look at him, I see..."

"Your mom," he finished. 

I nodded. He nodded back. "I know."

"I can't stop thinking about how she died, Dean." The lump in my throat was back. "How she was alone. How they butchered her. And I wasn't there."

"It wasn't your fault, Gray."

"Who's could it possibly be, then?"

"The bastards who killed her!" he said. "I was there too, Gray. Your mom, she was a badass. Like, she went down swinging."

That got a laugh out of me. "She did everything swinging. That woman was harder to talk too than an angry bull. She always had to have the last word."

Dean chuckled into his beer. "Sounds like somebody I know."

I chucked a napkin at him. "Ass."

He laughed. I laughed. For a moment, I felt lighter. But it didn't last long. I knew I'd have to face John again. And I knew my anger would return, and I'd lose all the progress I'd made with Dean. The thought made me sad all over again.

Dean must have seen something in my face, because he sighed. "Look, I'm not gonna fight you on this anymore, okay? I'm not gonna mess with Dad...but if you promise not to kill him, I won't get in your way anymore."

Hearing him say that made me unreasonably happy. What kind of life did I live where hearing my brother say he wouldn't stop me from beating up our dad made me the happiest I'd been in days?

"Thanks, Dean."

He rolled his eyes. Clearly, our moment was over, and the emotion was beginning to overwhelm him. But that was Dean. So I mellowed, and he relaxed the tension in his shoulders.

After a few moments, I said. "I wanna help you guys find this thing."

Dean sipped his beer. "What do you mean?"

"This demon Dad's always talking about," I said. "He's dead. With all four of us after him? He doesn't stand a chance."

Dean snorted. "Yeah, whatever you say, kid."

I smiled into my beer. Our bottles were empty. We'd killed alcohol, and we'd cleared the air (kind of). It was the first time I remember feeling any kind of kinship with my eldest brother. He was six years older than me, and he'd spent all his life not even knowing I existed. He didn't have to be my brother. He didn't have to know me.

But he did.

Our silence was broken when Dean's phone started ringing. He fished it from his pocket and pressed it to his ear. "Yeah."

The voice on the other end said a few words, and Dean nodded. "Okay. We'll be right out." He hung up and turned to me. "Sam's outside. He said Dad's called for a regrouping; he wants to work on picking up the vampires' trail."

I shook my head as we got to our feet. "The fact that he knew where the vamps were going without even finding a body...pisses me off."

Dean smirked. "Ready to face the world, then kid?"

"Stop calling me kid or you'll find out for yourself."

He smiled as he shook his head, but humored me. I smiled. Maybe I was ready. At least a little bit more than I wise when I walked in here.

When Dean pushed open the front door and we walked out into the fresh air, I started. The sun was setting. I had been in the bar all day. I was appalled. How could Sam and Dean let me waste hours wallowing in my own self-pity? And John? With his type of hardass, I'm shocked he didn't show up hours ago to haul me out himself.

"What the..."

"Hey, Gray!" I whirled around. Dean was already at the car, door open and one leg inside. Sam was leaned forward, smiling at me from the driver's seat. "You coming or what?"