Letters to Everyone

A Letter to My Ex

I want to start with an apology. I am sorry. I am sorry for my timing. I am sorry that I had to do it in the first place, but I did have to do it. We were just too different. We made very different lifestyle choices, and now I see that it could never have worked out for us, and for that I am sorry.

I miss your family. Your family was really cool, especially your aunt. Your family is a bunch of winners, except, of course, that black sheep of your parents. I'm sad that I will never see them again, and I am regretful that I will never get to meet your little brother. 

I miss your friends. During the time that we dated, your friends became my friends. I really liked them. Especially your best friend. He was my favorite of your friends. I miss the level of comfort there was between all of your friends and me. Now I see them, and it's a little awkward.

I don't miss us. I don't want that to sound bad, we just never saw each other in the first place. It's hard to miss someone you saw once a month. 

I want you to know that you never did anything wrong while we were dating. You were a perfect gentleman. 

I also want you to know that after I broke up with you, I was broken too. You are the only boy I have ever cried over, and trust me, I cried over you a lot.

--

I just don't understand.

You told me that you loved me, and I believed you. Sometimes I still do, but somehow, you got over it pretty quick. That's the part that I don't get. When we broke up, it felt like I got kicked. I didn't stay the first day, but when you asked me to come back and explain, I did. I sat with you for two hours and answered all of your questions. Then I went home and cried. The look of pain in your eyes as I watched you deflate was the biggest kick in the stomach. It still pains me.

That day, it felt like you started to attack any chance of a fast recovery I had. You told me that it took you five months to get over the last girlfriend. You said it took five months to finally accept that you weren't getting back together. Then you said that you were not looking forward to the next five months, and let me tell you, that's almost what hurt me the most.

No, what hurt me the most happened four months later. Over those four months, I felt so guilty anytime I found anyone else attractive. Anytime I looked at someone and thought they were pretty, you popped into my mind and made me feel bad. It was a constant reminder. Don't forget, he told you it was going to take at least five months before he finally got over it. But then I found out. It took you 20 days. At. Most.

You told me that you loved me, and yet somehow you were dating someone 20 days later. That essentially means one of two things to me, either you got over me, got close to someone, and felt strongly enough about them to start dating them, or you were already close enough to start dating and you just took 20 days to get over it. Either way, it's a kick in the gut to me. When I found out that I had been feeling guilty for you for months after we broke up and you had gotten over it in 20 days, that was the worst feeling. Have you ever grieved someone for four months, just to find out that they didn't even spend a month thinking about you? Yeah, that was the worst of it.

I was so mad at you. Probably because I still had feelings for you then, even four months later. How could you have told me you loved me when it seemed like you didn't even care? Now I feel pretty much indifferent about it. I just needed to write this so I could get all my thoughts out there, not keep them trapped in my mind anymore. 

--

I keep a box of our things under my bed. It's labeled with your name. Your gifts to me, the things we got together, and our pictures.

--

I recently found a song I thought you would really enjoy. All I wanted to do was send it to you, but I was worried that the lyrics would be misconstrued, especially the part that goes, "You still haunt the corner of my heart." I still wanted you to hear the song, though, so I gave it to Peyton to share with you, but apparently, you still haven't listened to it.

Last thing, I miss being friendly. We used to be able to see each other and it was fine, but now, you don't even nod at me when you see me. I know that's my fault, but I still want to be friends. I am ready now. Ready when you are. No matter what, I still want what's best for you.

The love of my past,

Fawn