This Is How It Ends

What I knew, What they couldn't know

CHAPTER 2

 “Do not fear mistakes; you will know failure. Continue to reach out”

-Benjamin Franklin

The more they yelled and became tired of my antics, the farther I was from sanity. I knew the truth, I knew. I gently faded away but I’ll never forget what I saw. I started realizing how there was nobody who believed me, yet I was believing them. What they said made more sense than what I said. In a few short seconds, I hit the climax, one of many climax’s to come. And just like that, someone was dead.

“Can you tell me when it all started?” Asked my doctor. He seemed relaxed today, and the orderly was almost smirking. Somehow, I navigated myself through another day and was in another session with my doctor. Back in the white-walled room, with the big, two-way mirror concealing a camera. I wasn’t in a straight jacket, just in the usual ugly-blue, psychiatric hospital issued plain-clothes. “When I was about 9 months pregnant” I said. I licked my lips, I had a troubling dream last night that left me on edge. “That’s when you began hearing voices?” He inferred. I wanted to scream, but I simmered my thoughts down to a more acceptable answer. It upset me when he treated me like some average schizophrenic. No, its when I saw your face that made me go crazy! I tried not to smile about that thought.“No, that’s when I started having dreams that would come true. And I made the mistake of telling people about them” I rolled my tongue and I fought my eyes from narrowing in disgust. He nodded with the same calm smile that was off-putting me. “Have you ever heard of the term ‘select abstract-ism’?” I shook my head. 

“Well, its taking events, people or information and bending it to a world view or opinion to justify it. Have you ever thought you were maybe growing apart from your husband, Tom, and it somehow snowballed into.... what happened...” He said it so cooly and tapped his pencil against his note pad. Anger burst inside me. He reminded me of the careless people in the world that pretend they know pain, but there ignorant and naive, and annoying! My family meant the world to me, what I did, they will never understand because I can’t tell them. I miss everything about my old life, but I’ve made my choices and I’m here. “I loved Tom! I loved Ivy! I only wanted to protect them! Help them!” I yelled at the top of my lungs, tears drowning my eyes. I stood from my chair, my long legs extended now, making me taller than he was. My chest echoed with pain, I just couldn’t stop myself. Everything was just overwhelming my will to stop acting out. I was so angry, why were they fishing for a reaction like this?  “Is that why you made a suicide attempt with your only child, Ivy, that killed her!” He said, beginning to grow upset and almost yelling at the end. His eyebrows were raised, and his lower lips revealed teeth. He was becoming emotional but trying hard to conceal it. He tried to right his face back to the cool, arrogant smile. The air set still as I breathed a few short breathes. The energy of the room began to feel different. The orderly looked like something dropped inside him. As if, he wasn’t bothered about all the crazy that went on in this hospital except for mine. The doctor had targeted the one subject that could truly pull such a strong reaction. Just like that, my emotions did a 180 on me. Tears erupted from my eyes and instead of feeling angry and ready to lunge, I lost all confidence and ignorant pride. I fell into my seat and began sobbing. I failed as a mother, as a wife, and as a person. Yet again,  I couldn’t stop. My tears just kept coming and my mouth grimaced uncontrollably. The truth I held onto was eating away at my thoughts, killing me. The problem here was this: I didn’t kill Ivy or Tom. Thinking of the hell they go through now, I wish I did. 

“This dream you had last night? It troubles you?” He asked, his face was calm again. He let me compose myself without question. My eyes were tired, and I took distressed breathes. They wanted to play with my emotions, manipulate them. Heres the thing though: Thats my game. I was diagnosed as a sociopath late last year, but in a way, I could control how I treated each situation. I licked my now-salty lips. “I had a dream, I was with Tom and Ivy, back at home. We were so happy. This was before the vision. But when I woke up, I was here. And it disturbed me, everything I lost... It felt so real, like I was truly happy again.... Then I came back to reality...” My voice trailed off. Like I ever came ‘back’ to reality. I thought. He took an uninterested glance at the wall then back at me.“Am I making you nervous? You’re licking you lips quite often, a sign of uneasy-ness.” My eyebrows furrowed at this. “Of course you are! You are unsympathetic, not even trying to understand, and insulting!” I said blatantly. “Well, you did kill quite a few people, including you’re kid.” He said without remorse, almost like a joke. I jumped out of my chair, it fumbled backwards behind me. My fingers frisked the bottom of the table and I flipped it over. It hit against the floor hard making an unpleasantly loud noise. Adrenaline coursed through my veins so quick, I didn’t even think. I rushed at my doctor but the orderly quickly reacted and grabbed my waist. My sweaty hands plunged at the arms entangling my waist, my nails digging into his skin. I fought to get out of his grasp, even throwing a few punches, but he pinned me against the wall. My chest was pressed towards the wall, my hands held tightly against my lower back. The orderly’s fat fist slammed against my cheek, a little under my eye. When I glanced back at his knuckles, they had blood on them. “How honorable, hitting a woman...” I said with an annoyed sarcasm, my cheek being half num, half stinging. “You know, you could have a hormone imbalance. The way you just flipped over that table and became angry so quick.” Chimed the doctor while I struggled to free my wrists, my skin becoming twisted and burning. I could tell the orderly was sweating, I was hard to contain. The doctor chuckled and walked over. He leaned in close to me. What the hell is going on?! “You better get your shit together Vinessa. New law passed, its a little more free regarding electro shock therapy. And believe me, you don’t want to be treated in that manner. We are getting sick of you peoples shit, and I will enjoy every moment you are getting your brains fried. If I were you, I’d think a little harder about what i’m going to say or how I act before I actually do so.” He whispered in my ear. The orderly twisted my wrist one last hard time and pushed me into my chair along with righting the table. “Glad we are on the same page, you can leave now, I trust you can find your way to the day room okay.” He said, sounding almost cocky. As rebellious as my spirit was, I fought the urge to correct him about my name. My thoughts started becoming numb, and the only thing I really heard was my heart beating in my head. Bump I looked at them both as I slowed my breathing. Bump They looked at me, their eyes cutting me apart. Bump. I was done.

He had both shocked me and scared me. I nodded. I got up slowly and exited the room. All the color drained my my face as how serious the situation was turning. The more and more I replayed the events back in my mind, the severity sunk in deeper. The white slippers we were given to wear slid across the linoleum, I almost tripped but my eyes stayed fixed on the day room. My hair fell in front of my face, but I was okay with that. I was ashamed, embarrassed, and sad. When I entered the day room, everybody else seemed to look the same: fresh bruises, shocked, colorless faces, and an unattainable goal to stop being crazy.

I squeezed my lips together, bile rose in my throat at the sight. If all of us were feeling what I was, I wouldn’t dare stay in the room. Some of these people were just as helpless as me, some of them quite possibly more than me. This new law put the fear of god in all of us, and fear is a dangerous entity that should not be played upon. I turned myself around and headed to my room. When I got there, I walked to the sink and glanced at myself in the mirror. My short, uneven, and thin bangs sat on my forehead, and the rest of my wild and unkept black, hair lay on my shoulders. I had a big, native american nose, and narrow blue-brown eyes. My skin was an even, healthy-tone. Where the orderly hit me broke the skin and left a cut. I washed off the blood and ran warm water over my bruised wrists. It began to turn slightly purple, but it would go away eventually. I splashed a little cold water on my face. I wanted a new doctor. I wanted out. I wanted to fix this mess. I wanted my family. But most of all... I wanted forgiveness.