Saint Vals 2020 Anthology

Love is the Strongest Type of Pain by @Caitydp

Confusion. The word phases in and out of her mind as she sits alone near the fireplace in the coffee shop down the street from her apartment. She has been here for the last three hours- three hours spent thinking about one word.

She releases a sigh, turning her head to face the large window replacing where bricks once used to reside. It's cold outside- typical for a Sunday afternoon in Redbank. It has been raining for as long as she has been stuck in her confused state.

Slowly, she lets her eyes wonder. The bell chimes signifying the arrival of a fresh face. It's five o'clock- rush hour. Life streams in and out of the coffee shop in a blur of colours ranging from bright to dull.

Laughter from the tables surrounding her temporarily loosens the hold the word has over her mind- acting as a sheet of mist fogging up the once clear pathway to her thoughts.

Her gaze moves to the old couple sitting adjacent to the entrance. They look happy- too happy in her opinion.

All relationships are doomed. Someone is bound to mess up and someone is bound to get hurt. And that's the never ending cycle that nobody wants to acknowledge. Love gets promoted as being the purest feeling any human can feel or experience, yet it's all one big lie told to control the way people choose to feel.

Love is an illusion created by those who want to hurt the people closest to them. It's created by the people who want to peel away every little piece of a person and then leave once there's nothing left but a fragile skeleton of what once was a capable, independent human being.

Love isn't real.

Her hand that is rested atop her left knee moves to cover her mouth. He'll find someone better, he'll find someone prettier; someone more outgoing, someone who is more of an open book than her- she just knows he will.

Elizabeth has been in a relationship with Aaron Primer for exactly six months. Six good months that are bound to end sometime soon.

It's been the best months of her existence thus far, yet she can't help but listen to the feeble voice screaming softly from the depths of the unexplored regions of her complex mind telling her to end it all before it has a chance to truly begin. Before it has a chance to consume her mind, soul and being then forget to include her fragile heart hidden behind a facade of strength and indifference of emotion.

The sound of a chair scraping mercilessly against rough cemented flooring puts a stop to her thoughts altogether. Her timid eyes jump to her mug of coffee waiting patiently to be acknowledged. She ordered the coffee when she arrived- purely out of habit and not out of the need or want of the beverage.

Her forgotten mug stares her in the eyes as a tornado unleashes itself within her mind- contrasting with her exterior state that appears to be serene to anyone daring to look her way.

Fear. The word that has been native to her mind for the past week immigrates to another country as a new word takes its place. She is scared of what might come. The truth is that love frightens her more than the idea of dying.

She is scared to love; she's scared to be loved- because love is the strongest type of pain. Her whole life she has believed in it too strongly and too many times it's abandoned her when she needed it most.

The thought of love makes her want to isolate herself- she's been hurt on more than one occasion which has led to the construction of the high wall enclosing her heart.

Her experience with the emotion is what led to her dread of it. It is what has led to her fragility and sensitivity. It is what has led to her tendency to self sabotage any form of happiness that enters her life in the form of love.

She is frightened to allow herself to love, because love has and always will betray her. In all her past relationships she has caught herself before she's fallen- ended the relationship and moved on with her life. She has not allowed herself to let go and truly be consumed by such strong emotions over the last two years of her life- all to protect her frail heart.

The moment she grows happy in any relationship she has been the person to get hurt first. She has been the person to fall in love too quickly and have the emotion ripped from her life without mercy. In all her years of experience she has forced herself to not cave in. To not allow herself to fall because falling means being down and when you're down you can't see who hurts you. Falling means being vulnerable and being exposed to the poison of others- it means being vulnerable to the pain caused by losing someone who claimed would be in your life forever.

"If you keep frowning like that your face will be stuck that way forever," a deep, husky voice proclaims from the couch directly across from where Elizabeth is seated.

She looks up to identify the owner of the voice. Her eyes fall upon a grey haired man hunched over a mug of what looks like hot chocolate.

She lets out an airy laugh, "I suppose so." Her voice a void of happiness.

The old man rests his mug on the table where mugs go to be forgotten and rights himself before clearing his throat, "Now, I don't want to sound like a creeper," he adjusts his bright red scarf wrapped around his thick neck. "But, I've been watching you since you walked in here." He lets out a sigh and looks her in the eyes before continuing, "I can't help but notice that there's something causing you unease."

She moves uncomfortably in her seat, contemplating whether to answer the stocky, old man staring her down. She decides against her better judgment, "Yes, something is eating me up inside." Her voice hoarse with honesty.

"Mind if I offer my assistance on the matter, my dear?" The man fixes his crooked glasses and makes himself comfortable.

For the first time in her life, she feels compelled to discuss what is going on in her mind with a stranger, "I'm confused. I'm confused and what I want to do is precisely what is causing my confusion."

"What is it, dear?"

"I think I should end things with my boyfriend. He's made me the happiest I've ever been, but all good things should come to an end before it's too late." Her eyes can't bring themselves to hold back the tears that have been waiting to be freed from the moment she took a seat in the coffee shop.

The man raises and takes a seat closer to her. He rests his hand on her knee before asking, "But what has he done to cause you to want to leave?"

"That's the thing, he's done absolutely nothing wrong yet there's a voice in my head telling me to leave."

"If he makes you as happy as you claim then I fail to understand the reason behind your confusion, my dear." He softens his voice by means of comforting Elizabeth.

"Because. Because the truth," she releases a sigh. Her head dropping into her open hands as she struggles to find the honest words wanting to come out.

"Don't be afraid to speak your mind," he pats her on her knee as a way of encouragement for her to continue.

"Because I always get hurt; the truth is I'm scared of getting hurt." The words linger in the air for a second too long before Elizabeth tries drawing them back in.

She finally admitted to herself what she knew to be the truth.

"I don't know what to do. I think I'm falling in love with him, but I'm afraid that if I don't protect my heart it will be shattered beyond repair."

"My child, do what feels right. Do what you know your heart wants." He smiles reassuringly.

"But I don't know what my heart wants," frustration clear in her voice.

The man looks her in the eyes and says, "I was once where you are, and I am going to give you the same advice that led me to marrying the love of my life." His eyes meet hers, " Dr Seuss said: Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."

It was at that moment that the storm in her mind subsided.

It's been half an hour since the man said the words that caused Elizabeth to realise what she truly wants to do. It was at that moment that she decided to do the one thing she was most afraid of- to fully let go and allow herself to fall.