Love As You Are

Chapter 4

Jaskier has been half-hard all night and it's doing a number on his head. It's one thing to keep himself from seducing Geralt when he's fully clothed and another thing to keep himself from seducing Geralt when he's fully naked in a tub and has already let Jaskier put his hands all over him.

He's trying to focus on Geralt's question about lords and how many want to kill Jaskier. He's trying to remind himself that there are plenty more people out there to sleep with and get into trouble with besides Geralt. He's trying to focus on Geralt's declaration that he's not going to kill anyone tonight--yes, fabulous, Geralt, no one has asked you to kill anyone, Gods!--but it's bloody hard, and he already knows he's not going to make it out of this without making a move. He's waited long enough and he's only a man. He's not made of stone. He wants to fuck his fucking soulmate even if he'll likely suffer for it later.

He manages to say, "Yes yes yes. You never get involved. Except you actually do, all of the time."

Geralt turns to look at him and fixes him with a near-ferocious look, but doesn't argue. Jaskier is starting to wonder if one day Geralt will just admit when Jaskier's right.

"Ugh. Is this what happens when you get old? You get unbearably crotchety and cantankerous?" It's taking every ounce of restraint not to just strip down and climb into that tub and make it impossible to Geralt to remain in such ill-spirits.

Geralt's expression doesn't change.

"Actually, I've always wanted to know: do witchers ever retire?"

Now Geralt deigns to respond. "Yeah. When they slow and get killed."

The thought of this makes Jaskier's stomach lurch. And he can't help but draw closer to the thing that's been on the tip of his tongue since the day he laid eyes on Geralt and that damned mark had appeared.

"Come on," Jaskier says, trying to keep his voice light. "You must want something for yourself once all this...monster hunting nonsense is over with." He tries to keep moving around the room, to find things to fiddle with, to appear careless and carefree so that Geralt won't know that he is hanging onto every word.

Expression flat, Geralt says evenly, "I want nothing."

The words make his chest ache. Jaskier's heart doesn't break because Geralt doesn't say I want you, Jaskier, it breaks for Geralt. It breaks because Jaskier believes that Geralt wants nothing when he deserves everything. He should want more for himself.

He inspects his fingernails, takes a breath, steadies himself. "Well, who knows? Maybe someone out there will want you." He gets down on Geralt's level, resting his arms against the tub.

"I need no one. And the last thing I want is someone needing me." He looks Jaskier in the eyes then, and panic flashes through him at the thought that Geralt already has his mark and is trying to make something painfully clear to Jaskier.

"And yet here we are." He waits to see if Geralt realizes what he's saying back, what he means. He watches the candlelight flicker across Geralt's face.

"Hm." Geralt's face makes a move like he's trying to smile but doesn't quite know how to do so.

Relief floods through Jaskier's body. So Geralt wasn't talking about the mark, then. Wasn't sending some pointed, coded message to Jaskier. He was speaking generally, just musing about life, and he's so full of shit about anything that might resemble a feeling anyway.

There's no way Geralt would be sitting here in this tub in front of Jaskier if he was trying to tell him I have my soulmark and I don't want you. This would be a deeply weird and stupid way to convey that information.